The bad girl and the dork

My legs had carried me all the way to my thinking spot.

I was panting and sweaty. I guess I'd been running. I wouldn't know. I didn't remember how I got there. It was like my body knew what I needed and took over when my mind couldn't. I guess I should've been grateful for that.

As I was climbing on the little hill to get to my usual spot, the fight kept replaying in my head. Over and over and over.

It had been a short fight but a hurtful one all the same.

The way Chase had looked. I'd never seen him angry before.

I plopped myself down on the grass. It was still a little wet because of the rain, but I didn't care.

Alright, thinking spot. Do your thing.

I usually go here frustrated and get my thoughts in order so I could return home as a calm person. This time, my thoughts were jumbled and they remained that way.

A sob escaped. I felt my cheeks, they were wet. I felt so numb that I didn't even know I was crying.

Crying like a little baby. Shit Jill, that's just weak.

Get it together.

A voice in my mind was telling me to focus on other things, distract myself. But that'd be the same as running away.

Yes, run away from this too. I guess that's what you do, right?

Chase's words echoed in my mind.

Fuck him.

"Fancy seeing you here." A familiar voice said. Code plopped himself down next to me and scrunched his nose when he noticed the grass was wet.

"Did you follow me?" I was surprised to see him. Nobody ever came here.

"What? I can't visit a pieceful place were junkies like to shoot their heroine? You're not the only one that comes here to think." Code explained.

"This is your thinking spot? I've never seen you here." I didn't believe him. This was too much of a coincidence. I figured he'd followed me.

"It is. It was, I mean. I'd seen you here a while ago and guessed you needed this spot more than I did." This was the Code I didn't get to see often. The sweet Code. It almost reminded me of Chase.

Almost.

"Why didn't you come up to me?" He'd seen me sitting here alone and decided to walk away. Truth is, I came here to be alone, but he didn't know that.

"Thought you wanted to be left alone." He shrugged. I hadn't given Code enough credit, he knew me better than most people.

"What's different this time?" If he knew this was my thinking spot and I wanted to be left alone, he should've left me alone now.

"Because this is about two people I love." He said honestly. Tears were forming again. They were already rolling down my face before I could blink them away.

"Oh." I whispered. Not really knowing what to say to that. Not really trusting my voice either.

We stayed quiet for a while. Just looking in front of us, not really seeing.

I wasn't thinking anymore. Just staring. My mind drained from the constant loop that had been playing in my head.

You're just a scared little girl

The empty feeling came back. Although I wasn't sure if it had ever left.

I saw Code moving in the corner of my eye.

He reached into his pocket and grabbed a joint and a lighter. He lit it and exhaled. Even though there was a wind I could still smell the scent of the joint.

Without saying a word he handed it to me. I took it and and mimicked his actions, feeling the smoke in my body until I released it back into the world.

I gave the joint back. "Thanks." I muttered.

I hadn't smoked one in a while. We used to do it more often, just to relax. I guess Code still smoked frequently since he'd been hanging out with Jacob a lot.

"Good. You're not crying anymore." Code said eventually. The tears on my cheeks had dried. I hadn't bothered wiping them away. It seemed pointless since they kept coming anyway.

"I can't handle a crying Jill. You're one of the guys, you don't cry." His shoulder brushed mine lightly. In any other situation he would've shoved me playfully but I guess he really couldn't handle me crying.

He was right though. I'd known Code for years and this was only the second time he'd ever seen me cry. That's the thing I didn't understand. Why was I having such a strong reaction to a stupid fight?

Because it wasn't a stupid fight.

Still. I didn't get it.

"One of the guys? Code, you cried when you heard Breaking Bad was ending." I wanted to laugh but a strange noise escaped my lips. I guess that was the best I could do at this moment.

"Shut up, that was one time." He acted embarrassed but I knew he was just trying to cheer me up.

"One time. Sure. How about the time yo-" I'd seen Code cry more than a few times. Of course, most of the times his reasons were legit.

"Okay, okay. Bitch." He mumbled. I snorted.

"I heard the fight." He said after a short silence.

"Sorry you had to hear that." I told him earnestly.

"He was pretty pissed when you left. Didn't even eat." The last part was supposed to be a joke but we both knew it really wasn't.

"He was angry." I sighed.

"I mean pissed at himself, Jill. Not at you." Code looked at me and waited for some kind of reaction. What was I supposed to say? Oh great, he's mad at himself instead of me! Whoohoo.

"I just. I don't know how this happened. Suddenly he went off. Something I said probably triggered him but jeez. Fuck. What was that?" I stopped myself before I started ranting. I couldn't wrap my head around it.

Jake had said I was good at reading people's feelings? I was failing miserably. I hadn't seen that fight coming until I was in the middle of the warzone. What the hell does that say about me? A fucking blind person would've seen more than me.

"You really have no clue? Seriously? He practically spelled it out for you." Code replied, the sympathetic tone in his voice slowly disappearing.

"What? You're gonna get mad at me too because I'm so fucking oblivious to everyone's problems and I have the perfect little life? Enlighten me Code! Really! Explain it to me 'cause I'm obviously too stupid to figure this out on my own." I raked my hands through my hair.

"I didn't mean to sound angry. I'm not hear to fight with you." He grabbed one of my hands that was still attached to my hair and held it with both hands. Silently begging me to look at him.

When I did the remorse was clear in his eyes. That's what Code and I have in common. We didn't like fights or confrontations. Oh what would our school do if they'd know their bad boy and bad girl were such softies? Their pathetic little world would fall apart.

"Then why are you here Code? Why me instead of Chase?" I wasn't implying he had chosen between to two of us, but it did seem odd.

"Because Chase needed to cool down and you needed a friend." A ghost of a smile appeared on my lips.

Even though the guys and I had a playful friendship. They were loyal. They were there when you needed them and they'd leave you alone when you'd ask.

"Thanks." I said. His warm hand was still wrapped around my cold one.

"It took a lot of internal debate though." I didn't ask him what he meant because it seemed as if he was collecting his thoughts.

"When you two first started hanging out it was... weird. I knew you guys wouldn't stay friends. The way you looked at each other. My first reaction wasn't positive to be honest. No offense but I was conviced you'd break my brother's heart." Right, it almost seemed the other way around.

I didn't interrupt Code. He had never told me his thoughts about our relationship. I mean, we did ask him if he was okay with it and he just waved it away.

"But I know you and I know Chase. You're good for each other. This is just a fight, Jill. Don't give up on him." He pleaded.

If this was just a fight, then why did I feel this way? Why was I affected by this?

"I don't know what to say Code. I don't know what to do, hell, I don't even know what to think." I frowned.

"You're smart Jill. You'll figure out what to do." He said.

You're smart Jill. Fuck being smart. Can't I just be stupid for a day?

"Being smart caused this problem in the first place, Code." The frustration was evident in my voice. I had to grit my teeth. I wasn't angry with Code. I was angry because of Chase. I was angry with myself.

Code sighed. "Jill, you can be so frustrating sometimes. Let me tell you something about Chase." He said calmly, not seeming frustrated at all.

"Chase and I are very similar but there's always been that one thing that seperated us. Chase knows what he wants. He's always known. That's why he takes school so seriously. He has a goal and he works hard to achieve it. I mean, sure he's smart, but he has to work hard nonetheless. You, on the other hand, don't do shit. You don't know what you want. But Chase is frustrated because he can only wish to be as smart as you and you take it for granted."

I let his words sink in for a moment. He's jealous because my IQ is above average? At least Chase knows what he wants. It sounds cocky but when you have too many options, choosing doesn't come that easy.

"Has he told you this?" I asked Code eventually. Why couldn't Chase just tell me directly.

"He didn't have to. I feel it too. Obviously I don't have Chase's ambition but I do study for my grades Jill, believe it or not. And when I'm doing my homework and cursing all that's holy and receive a text from you telling me you're bored, it's frustrating." He sighed.

"I didn't know..." I really had no clue he felt that way. Plus, I didn't know Code did his homework. I'd never seen him study before.

"Because you take it for granted. Your intelligence isn't frustrating Jill, it's what you do - or don't do - with it." Ouch. Basically he just said I was being stupid while being smart.

"I... Fuck Code. What am I supposed to say to this? I'm sorry?" I asked.

"Don't say anything. I just wanted to explain why Chase lost his shit." Code said calmly.

Because I waltzed into his life not respecting his wishes to leave him alone so he could catch up with his schoolwork. God, that seemed so stupid.

"Still, he shouldn't have lost his shit like that." I muttered. I know I was being stubborn. I was still running away from my own mind but I couldn't deal with that today. Not today.

"I'm not defending him. He shouldn't have yelled. I just wanted you to understand. He's still my brother, no matter what he does." I gave Code a hug.

To say he was shocked would've been an understatement. We didn't hug often. I did it, not because he came here to comfort me, but because he did it for his brother.

His dorky older brother he didn't talk about often. His dorky older brother he loved to bits.

"When did you become such a great person?" I asked him after I had let him go.

"I've always been awesome Jill." He smirked. I rolled my eyes. The heavy feeling in my gut had lifted. It was still there, lingering in the back, but it wasn't consuming me anymore.

"So... you do your homework?" I wiggled my eyebrows.

"I'd sleep with my teachers but they're all old and disgusting." He frowned.

I laughed "You're such a little slut."

"Yes, but I'm an awesome slut." I shoved him playfully. Relieved we were back to our playful selves.

"Gross, it's raining again." I said after a few minutes of banter.

"No it's not, you're just drooling all over yourself." Code grinned.

"Crap it is raining!" Really Code? Really? Glad you realised all by yourself.

I noticed my car was parked at the edge of the park. Code smiled sheepishly. "You're welcome?" He asked. He wasn't sure wether driving my car had been a safe choice.

I was thankful though. I dropped him off real quick before I headed back home.

I didn't sleep much that night. Or the nights after. I had spend my weekend thinking.

I had spend my weekend thinking about things I hated thinking about.

My future.

Cue ominous music.

I didn't know what I wanted but I guess I owed it to myself to give it a fair chance. If I kept doing what I was doing know - which is nothing - I'd regret it later. Maybe? I think?

So I made a decision.

Did I know what I wanted to do next year? Not even close.

But I was gonna find out. I was planning on doing my homework, showing up on time, hell, maybe I'd even give tutoring a chance. Most importantly, I was gonna look up colleges and what they had to offer. Maybe they'd give me a sense of purpose.

God, I sounded like a dork.

I'd probably give it two days before I'd go back to the way I was.

-

I groaned when I got into my car ten minutes earlier than usual. On a Monday.

It was weird showing up in the morning. There were so many people present. Usually, the halls would be nearly empty by the time I'd arrive.

Gwen knew something was up but didn't ask me. She knew I'd tell her when I was ready. I think she knew it was about Chase though.

Our conversation was interrupted by Jake's bike. He had brought someone else. Instead of some girl, like we were all expecting, it was a guy.

I could see it was Code by his clothes. He sighed while he took off his helmet, clearly not liking being on the back of a motorcycle.

"Hot babe you got there Jake." Gwen said mockingly.

"Yeah, she's a real catch." I added. Code rolled his eyes when I winked at him.

"She is but I think she was a little scared since she was holding on to me for dear life the entire ride." Jake smiled.

"Yes, yes, you're all very funny people. Ha ha." Code said with an annoyed look on his face.

"So... why?" I asked. This definitely wasn't a normal occurence. I wondered why classes hadn't started yet. Damn, I was way too early.

"Flat tyre" Code frowned.

"Sucks." I replied, Gwen nodded in agreement.

"It does. Chase wasn't happy either, to put it lightly." I swallowed a lump when I heard his name. We hadn't heard from each other since our fight last Thursday.

"I can imagine." Jake said, obviously no clue about the subtext.

"Yeah, he's been in a bad mood for days." He told Jake, but was looking at me. I could feel Gwen's concerned look aimed at me.

No one said anything for a while. For the first time in my life I was glad when the bell rang, indicating classes were about to start.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it in an accusing way." Code whispered before we headed our own way. I gave him a smile that didn't reach my eyes.

Yes, he did. And I deserved it.

My teachers were shocked when I arrived to all of my classes on time and even more shocked when I handed them my homework. I didn't blame them. They'd probably tell their children about this rare occurence.

Even the day after, they still hadn't recovered from their shock. It's like they expected it to be a one day thing. To mess with them.

Actually, that would've been something I'd do. Be the perfect student for a day just to mix it up. Little did they know I wasn't being ironic.

That night I was lying in bed, wide awake. I hadn't had a proper sleep in days. Since Thursday to be exact.

"Come in." I said when I heard someone knocking on my door.

"Were you asleep?" My mom asked quietly.

"No." I flipped the light switch.

She went to sit beside me on the bed. It reminded me of my childhood. Every Sunday I'd crawl in her bed and we'd watch TV together until noon.

"Everything okay?" I asked. I wondered why this couldn't wait until tomorrow.

"I'm not baking, am i?" She smiled. I wanted to return one but I didn't seem to have the energy.

"Your school called." She said earnestly. Her demeanor changed.

"I didn't even do anything!" I sighed. Really? I was being nice for a couple of days and still they accuse me of stuff. Awesome.

"Actually, you have. They said you've been handing in homework, being on time in class and actually paying attention. They said I should be proud and to keep stimulating you to keep this up." She explained.

I gasped. I've been on time for only two days and they'd called my mom? I must've shocked them more than I'd thought.

"So you're stimulating me by keeping me up at night?" I smirked.

"Jill, what's this about?" My mom ignored my comment.

"You're not happy I'm doing this?" I was confused. Why was she questioning this?

"Of course I am! Your father and I can't force you to be interested in school but I'm glad you're turning a new leaf. I just want to know what caused this?"

I swallowed. Oh you know, my boyfriend shouting at me and my best friend explaining how frustrating I am to other people. And me running away from serious stuff. Right and don't forget that I'm clueless about the future and time's ticking away. No pressure or anything.

I didn't feel like explaining all of that.

"I guess it was time to take things more seriously?" Now more than ever I realised how different I was from my parents. They loved their work and they didn't mind working hard.

Here I was, their daughter, just playing around, not even bothering to do homework, not even bothering to think about the future. They must've been so disappointed.

"You still have time to make a decision Jill. Just try to figure out what you love doing." She assured me.

"Have you always known?" I couldn't imagine my mom doubting about her future.

"Not always, but it wasn't a difficult decision. Your dad's another 온라인카지노게임! Oh my! Oli changed his mind every week during his senior year he told me once. Even during his first year of college he was wondering whether he made the wrong choice. And he did."

What?! He did? What the hell?

My mom laughed at my expression.

"Your dad was studying to be an architect when I met him in college. He changed to law the next year." My dad, the architect? I couldn't even imagine him as an architext. He loved being a lawyer.

"I did not see that one coming." I said eventually.

"I'm just saying it's not an easy choice to make." My mom was holding a strand of my hair.

"For some people it is." I muttered. Thinking about Chase. Thinking about my mom. Some people have it figured out.

"Only a few. Now, go to sleep." She patted my head playfully.

"Is this you stimulating the shit out of me?" I raised my eyebrow.

My mom laughed. She kissed my forehead. "I'm proud of you Jill." She added. Great, now we were having a Full House moment.

Cue the violins and a speech about how wonderful life is.

"I haven't done anything." I deadpanned.

"Yet. You will. You should have a little more faith in yourself." With that, she closed the door, leaving me in darkness, alone with my thoughts.

My mind was all over the place.

Again.

Goodbye beauty sleep.

I didn't even know where to begin. Everything was a mess.

Before I fell into a restless sleep I realised something.

I needed help.