The bad girl and the dork

By alpacapoo

963K 26.2K 10.3K

I'm Jill and these are five random facts about me 1. A day spent with Nutella is a day well spent. 2. My best... More

The bad girl and the dork
Is it possible to OD on cookies?
Nutella is the answer to all your food related problems
Always have a secret food stash at various places
I call it hobo chique
I was turning on her inner lesbian
I'm the picture of sophistication
I've heard people taste like chicken
It was as if Barbie had puked in her locker
Brainfarts everywhere
She looked like a My Little Pony
I know you've been having buttproblems
I swear her ovaries just exploded
Emergency, my ass
He was such a pretty mangirl
Only two shots away from pink elephants
I'd rather lick a used tampon
He just went apeshit on me
There's my queen
Really Old Yogurt Grows Bad In Vanilla
Don't flash your underwear on the first date
I didn't know you were gonna lick the guy
The rest could suck my thumb
A duck sniffing a dog's hiney
We were having a Full House moment
He was writing some kinky fanfic about polar bears
I love you because you say things like fuckbuckets
I can't be in the presence of candy haters
Get your biceps out of my face
Were you guys sniffing glue earlier?
He was talking about toe fungus
Couldn't you have gotten a bloody moose
Epilogue: cover it up with Oprah's face
Bonus: I practically survived on coffee and M&Ms
Bonus: Code's crazy calamities
Bonus: I was Burger King desperate
Jake: The walking cliche
Bonus: this is not a bonus
Xmas bonus: decided to drop the Jill Bomb
Anniversary bonus: Road trip
Bonus: the rock identified as a turtle

Killed us with a spoon

23.3K 692 251
By alpacapoo

Chemistry sucks.

The teacher gave us some excercises to do in class because apparently he was being too lazy to actually teach us something.

I was helping Tom with his since I'd finished mine early.

After tutoring him, Tom always sat next to me in class. I didn't mind though and that way he could ask me if he didn't get the material. Which was often since our teacher wasn't motivated.

"Okay I'm gonna hand it in." He said, gathering his courage for a reason I didn't quite understand.

"Dude, have some faith. You know I'm a miracle worker." I grinned. Tom rolled his eyes. I guess he had gotten used to me because a month ago he wouldn't even speak my name without almost pissing himself.

He went to the teacher but instead of going back to his seat he stayed and chatted. I was playing Tetris on my phone and having an internal debate whether I should buy a Tamagotchi. I had one when I was a kid and absolutely loved it.

"Jill, Mr. Smith wants to speak to you." Tom said when he came back.

Great. I didn't even remember what I had done. I sighed and walked over there.

Slowly.

"Yes?" I said when I approached his desk.

"You're not in trouble." He said. How gross would it be if he was reading my mind?

"Alright then." I shrugged.

"Tom's grades have gone up remarkably." He said. I had the feeling there was more to this conversation and I wished he'd just get to the point.

"Yeah, he worked hard." He had. The amount of hours he'd put into it was depressing.

"He told me your tutoring helped him a lot. You were patient and tried different approaches to make sure he got it." I wanted to say 'unlike you' but decided against it. I mean, I guess he was praising me indirectly.

"Anyway, as you know this school has a tutoring program." He continued. I actually didn't know that. "The seniors offer to tutor the lower grades if their grades are high enough."

I didn't like where this was going.

"Okay?" I replied.

"Jill, you'd be a perfect addition to the program. You can even tutor seniors, you've already proven you could do it." He wanted me to tutor a bunch of kids? He obviously didn't know how long it took for Tom to stop being scared of me.

The teacher noticed I was hesitant.

"It'll look good when you're applying for colleges." He said as if that would suddenly convince me.

"I'll think about it." It didn't seem appealing. I didn't get money and it's not like I enjoyed tutoring so I was wondering what was in it for me.

"That's all I'm asking. You know where to find me." I nodded and went back to my seat.

"What'd he want?" Tom asked. He was talking because we were allowed to talk when we'd finished our work. Otherwise he wouldn't have had the guts.

"He wants me to join the tutoring program. Apparently this school has one." I shrugged.

"You didn't know? We're allowed to tutor the lower grades and the teachers tutor the seniors. The system works really well."

Then why was I asked to tutor Tom if the tutor program was so great?

"Nope. Smitty said I could tutor seniors too." I pointed my thumb towards the teacher.

"Really? Cool." He seemed genuinly excited about this. Weird kid.

"Yeah, probably not the AP classes then, although he didn't mention. I have a question though." I told Tom.

"Yes?"

"Why was I asked to tutor you if we have a program?" I raised my eyebrow.

"Because this is AP Chemistry so Mr. Smith would be the tutor. I guess he was busy?" Tom wondered.

I snorted. Yeah right. The guy hated teaching and we all knew it.

"Right, busy. Drinking cheap beer in a bar and wondering when your life went downhill is very time consuming." I shook my head.

"Jill shh! He might hear you." Tom said anxiously.

I sighed in relief when the bell rang.

When I got home I checked my phone. Chase had sent me a message.

Hey, how was your day? x

My day was just starting. School prevented me from spending my day properly.

Boring. They offered me to tutor but I don't know if I'm going to do it. How was yours? x

Chase was very cliche when it came to texts. He'd always send me good morning and goodnight and during the day he'd ask how my day was or how I was doing. It didn't bother me, it was rather cute.

Oh right, the tutor program. I tutored during my senior year. My day sucked. My throat hurts :( x

I snorted. Guys always overreacted when they were sick so I didn't take it seriously. Jake once wrote me a goodbye letter when he had the flu. He said he was dying. It was very entertaining.

I'm sure you'll live. Can I come over or are you too sick? x

Even if he was too sick, I could always hang out with Code. Now I was dating Chase I practically lived at his place. I didn't sacrifice my time with Code to be with Chase. I didn't want to be a bad friend. Although the random moments of making out with Chase in the hallway weren't a bad bonus.

You can always come over. I won't be able to talk much though x

I smirked. Talking was overrated anyway.

Thank God, you talk waaay too much ;) x

I went to the kitchen to grab a snack before I left again.

Hey, isn't the guy supposed to say that? x

I checked the mirror to see whether I looked horrible or not. It wasn't that bad so I went outside and texted Chase back.

It's clear who wears the pants in this relationship x

It was weird how we could have conversations about absolutely nothing all the time.

No one hopefully x

That made me chuckle.

Sassy. Now shut up so I can drive xx

I didn't bother to check my phone after that. I'd rather see him in person.

When I arrived the front door was unlocked but I didn't see anyone. Chase was probably pretending to die in his bed or something.

After my cuddle with Bus I went upstairs. Chase's bedroom door was open but I couldn't see anyone. He was probably peeing or something so I decided to wait.

I'd been in his room before but I never really paid attention to it. His room was relatively clean. His desk wasn't though. A lot of books sprawled across his desk.

I noticed a note on one of his books that read 'BACK OFF'. I snorted. It was probably from Code about something. Sibling love can be a beautiful thing.

"Hey you." A weak voice said behind me. I turned around to see Chase smiling at me. I immediately noticed his lack of energy. I guess he really was sick.

"Hi." I said and he pulled me in a gentle hug.

He coughed after he released me and went back to his bed. I sat beside him and looked him over. He looked a little pale.

"You look like crap." I said.

"I feel like crap." Chase replied.

I put my hand on his neck.

"Your lymph nodes are swollen." I then proceeded to feel his head. He wasn't burning up but I think he had a light fever.

"Can I see your throat?" I asked. He didn't seem weirded out by my request and opened his mouth.

His throat was red and his tonsils were swollen.

"Dude I think you have tonsillitis." I said while sitting closer beside him and putting my hand through his hair.

"I think so too. I've taken ibuprofen. I've had this before, it always goes away after a few days." I could hear it hurt to talk.

"When are you seeing your doctor?" I didn't often go to doctors but having a fever was always a reason to go.

"I don't know... You're being my doctor right now. Mind being my sexy nurse too?" I snorted.

"Save your voice, you're being delirious."

Chase laughed "Ow, don't make me laugh."

"Alright, enough of this. Where's your phone?" I spotted it before he could answer.

"Your doctor's number is in here, right?" He just nodded.

I pressed the green phone button and waited for Chase's doctor to pick up.

"Hello, Dr. Morris speaking." A woman answered the phone

"Hi, this is Jill speaking, I'm calling for a patient of yours, Chase Adams." I replied.

"What seems to be the problem Jill?" She seemed like a nice lady. Very friendly. My doctor was always grumpy.

"His lymph nodes are swollen and his tonsils and throat are red. He's having difficulties swallowing and talking. I don't think he has a fever yet, but I could be wrong." I explained the symptoms quickly.

"It seems as if his tonsillitis is back. He recovered from it about a year ago but it seems as if its recurrent." Ha! Totally called it.

Chase looked at me curiously.

"That's what I was thinking. Do you think he should come over or are pain killers sufficient?" Dr. Morris was thinking it over. My doctor would've told me to come over immediately so he could earn some money. Dr. Morris seemed different.

"Maybe he should come over. Sometimes a tonsillectomy is the best solution. It's a simple procedure that only takes a few hours." She explained.

"Yes, I could help ripping his tonsils out, that wouldn't be a problem." I decided to tease Chase a little. His eyes went wide instantly.

Dr. Morris laughed "I'm guessing he's sitting next to you? Do you mind if I speak to him for a moment?" She asked.

"No problem." I handed the phone to Chase. He still looked a bit scared. I chuckled and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

Chase talked to his doctor a few minutes. I couldn't really hear what they were saying but I was guessing they were making an appointment.

After saying bye he handed the phone back. I gave him a confused look.

"She wants to speak to you." He said, just as surprised as me.

"Hello?" I said while holding the phone to my ear.

"Hi Jill. I just made an appointment with Chase for this evening. Cold liquids and ice cream will sooth his throat." Ooh ice cream. I was already making plans to go grocery shopping.

"No problem, I'll be a good nurse." Chase smirked when he heard that. I wiggled my eyebrows, making him laugh, then pout because it hurt.

"You're a good doctor too. You basically did my job by telling me his symptoms." Oh stop it you. I really liked this doctor.

"Does that mean I get money too?" She chuckled. I guess that was a no.

"Alright, I should get going, a patient just arrived. Feel free to call me anytime if something else comes up."

"I'll call when his fingers start to fall off. Bye and thank you." After our goodbyes I hung up.

Chase was staring at me, I could read his expression.

"What?" I asked while trying to find a good way to lie down beside him.

"You're taking care of me." He grinned.

"So?" I didn't know where he was going with this.

"You're being sweet. You've gone soft Jill." He teased.

"I can still jab a fork in your throat if you'd like." I deadpanned.

"No thanks, sweetie." He said obnoxiously.

"Shut up." I muttered, making him laugh, then wince. Ha. Served him right.

We decided to watch a movie and afterwards I went home.

Mom's car was in the driveway.

"Your favorite daughter is home." I yelled when I opened the door.

And then the smell of cake hit me. Oh shit, not again.

"Mom?"

"In here" She yelled from the kitchen. Yeah, I figured that much.

"What's wrong?" I asked. Surprisingly, my mother looked great and not dishevelled like I thought she'd be.

"Of course you forgot." She muttered.

"What did I forget?" Something else was cooking. So I forgot about a dinner? Thank God I hadn't eaten yet. Apart from all the cookies and other crap.

"Hugh is coming over." Yep, I'd totally forgotten. Finally! I really wanted to meet the hot british guy my mom was dating.

At least in my head he's hot. Plus, my mom and I had similar taste in men. Not that I think my dad's attractive. Aw, gross man. Why did I go there in my mind?

"Yay! When?" My mom rolled her eyes at my enthusiasm. She was very nervous. Cute, it meant she was serious about the guy. I'd never seen her this nervous about me meeting a guy she was seeing.

"Half an hour." Saying that made her even more nervous.

"Maybe you should already start with the wine, it'll calm your nerves." I suggested.

"You'd rather have an alcoholic as a mom?" She raised her eyebrow.

"Nope, stick with the baking. I'm gonna shower real quick, don't wanna scare Hugh Grant away with bad BO." Is it weird I didn't shower before meeting my boyfriend but I did when I was going to meet my mom's boyfriend? Priorities.

"Good girl. And wear something cute." We looked at each other for a few seconds before we both burst out in laughter.

"Something cute. You crack me up." I shook my head while heading upstairs.

I took a quick shower. Quick showers made me sad. I liked to take long shower until the hot water runs out. I opted for an aztec print skirt, a black shirt and fluffy socks.

If there was something I couldn't live without it would be fluffy socks.

Hugh would be here in ten minutes. When I appeared in the kitchen I noticed my mom had taken my advice about the wine.

I wanted to take the bottle so I could have a glass too but she stopped me.

"Let's not do the underage drinking right now, okay?" She said.

"Oh, and nice outfit." She added.

I grinned "Isn't it cute?"

"I'm just thankful it doesn't have spikes or safety pins." I snorted.

The bell rang.

"Oh my God, he's early." Mom started to freak out.

"Chill, he's only five minutes early." I rolled my eyes.

"You're right." She didn't move.

"So... are you gonna let him in?" I chuckled while she ran to the door. I walked slowly behind her so she could smooch her hot british guy without me noticing. It wasn't something I wanted to see.

I once caught my dad and Beth making out on the couch and I nearly gagged. I wonder if parents feel the same way when they see their child making out with someone.

"Jill, this is Hugh. Hugh, meet my daughter Jill." My mom introduced us. She seemed much calmer than she was a minute ago. Hugh seemed to have that effect on her.

"It's lovely to meet you Jill. I've heard so many things about you." Hugh had a warm, deep voice and a delicious british accent. So that's why my mom liked him.

"Nice to meet you too. Yes, my mom loves to brag about me." I smiled.

Hugh wasn't as hot as I had imagined. But then again, I imagined him as a supermodel. He was average height and he had brown shaggy hair and brown eyes. He was a slender built man. My guess was he didn't have too much muscle. Too bad.

A few minutes later Hugh and I were both sitting at the kitchen table while my mom was cooking. Usually we received our guests in the living room but my mom wouldn't be able to hear us and I think she didn't trust that.

"So you're in the same field of work as my mom?" I asked him.

"Not exactly. My field is molecular biology." He explained.

"Oh, like DNA?"

"That's right. Are you interested in Biology too? Your mom said you're quite smart." Hugh was ridiculously polite. Maybe it just seemed that way because of his accent.

"I don't know yet. I still have to time decide. So you're from London?" I didn't like talking about my future so I decided to steer the conversation in another direction.

"Born and raised. It was time for a change of scenery though." I'd love to go to London one day. I'd never been there.

"How are you liking the US?"

"There are a lot of fastfood joints. Other than that, it's been great." He said.

"Dude, the fastfood joints are the best part!" He chuckled.

"Okay, enough small talk." I said eerily. He suddenly looked a bit afraid and I noticed my mom had stopped moving in the kitchen.

Oh, this was gonna be fun.

"What are your intentions with my mom?" I crossed my arms and tried to look like a concerned parent.

"Jill!" My mom shouted. She was blushing, clearly embarrassed. Needles to say I was having the time of my life.

"Don't worry Joyce, it's great to hear your daughter cares about you so much." Hugh said to my mom.

"That's not why she's doing it." My mom muttered causing me to laugh.

"You're stalling." I told Hugh.

"You're perceptive." He grinned.

"Still stalling. If you bring her home past her curfew, you'll be sorry mister." I pointed at him.

"Jill, you don't even have a curfew." My mom rolled her eyes.

"Aw come on, dad gets to do this all the time. I want my fun!" I fake pouted.

"Don't worry about it, love." Hugh said to my mom. I think my mom just melted. It was gross and adorable at the same time.

"My intentions with your mother aren't bad. I care for her a lot." He said sincerely.

He really seemed like a nice guy.

"You should, she's fucking amazing." Wow, where did that come from. Her last boyfriends were kinda jerks and I hated seeing my mom covered in a blanket, eating a bucket of ice cream. I guess I got protective.

"Jill, language! And thanks." She smiled genuinly at me.

"No problem, I fucking love you." I grinned mischievously. She narrowed her eyes playfully.

"So you're smart and you seem like a great guy but you were single. What's the catch? Do you have a second family or are you a serial killer or something? If you are, I'd like a heads up." It would've been a big plot twist if he'd suddenly pointed a gun at us or killed us with a spoon.

"Actually, I'm a widower. My wife died six years ago. Cancer. We never had kids, our careers always came first." I could see the pain in his eyes.

Shit, I really felt like a dickhead right now.

"Crap. I'm so sorry, I feel like a jerk." I answered.

He had a ghost of a smile on his face "No need. You didn't know."

"So your career came first? Just like my parents." I had more questions about his wife but I figured it was too soon to ask about his life 온라인카지노게임.

"What do you mean? You're my daughter." My mom sat down next to me and Hugh after she put food in the oven.

"Yeah, but I was an accident." I told her.

"No you weren't." She laughed.

"Okay, I was a phase then." I smirked. Hugh laughed.

I noticed Hugh was holding my mom's hand and she was smiling brightly at him.

"So, do I call you daddy or Hugh?" I asked Hugh.

"Did I forget to tell you to behave, Jill?" My mom tried to look stern but I could see she was trying not to laugh.

"You did, actually." I answered her.

"Just call me Hugh." Hugh cleared his throat. I guess he wasn't sure whether that was a joke or not.

"You're not easily scared away are you?" I looked at Hugh. He didn't really seem nervous. He actually seemed relaxed. Like he belonged here. In our house.

And maybe he did.

"Not really. So did I pass your test?" He raised his eyebrow.

"Yes, but you're still on probation." I smiled and he returned it.

My phone buzzed. I checked it because it was probably Chase.

Tonsillectomy day after tomorrow x

I guess he was going through with the surgery.

"Looks like Jill has a boyfriend too." Hugh teased.

"Yep. He's getting a tonsillectomy soon." I told my mom.

"What's wrong with Chase?" My mom sounded worried. She hadn't seem him after our first date but I got the impression she liked him.

"Where do I start?" I joked "He's got recurrent tonsillitis so they decided to just yank his tonsils out."

"Poor thing." She sighed.

"Poor thing? He gets to eat loads of ice cream." I pouted.

I texted him back.

Can I have Bus if you die? x

It wasn't a serious surgery so it wasn't highly inappriopriate to joke about it. I hoped he wasn't freaking out because of me right now.

Oh well.

"Maybe you should invite him over when he's better so we can all have dinner together." My mom suggested. Great, the entire conversation would be about biology or other science-y stuff.

"Sure." I said absentmindedly while reading Chase's reply.

You're such a loving girlfriend x

I smirked.

I can be a very loving girlfriend... but first you need to get better x

I was sure he got the double meaning. I looked up and saw Hugh and my mom staring at me. Yep, definitely not the best time to start sending hot texts.

You're evil. You can make it up to me by dressing up as a nurse and feed me ice cream all day. You know what? You don't even have to dress up as a nurse. Clothing is optional. Oh and sponge baths! Yes, that too. xx

That made me laugh. He was really getting into it.

"What's so funny?" My mom raised her eyebrow.

"Do we need to give you the talk Jill?" Hugh asked. My mom high fived him. Great, I liked it better when I was the one with the power.

"Do you really want to know what's so funny?" I challenged my mom.

Of course I wouldn't tell her.

"Nevermind, I don't wanna know." She said, catching my drift.

I texted Chase back.

Feeding and washing? So basically you want me to treat you as a baby? That's just wrong Chase. Btw, it's a lot of fun texting with you when my mom and her boyfriend are sitting next to me xx

"So has he met your dad?" My mom asked me.

"Oh God no! You know how he gets." I told her.

"How does he get?" Hugh asked no one in particular.

"Oh so you wanna know about the ex?" I swear he blushed a little.

My phone buzzed again.

Talk about awkward. I could make this even worse for you... oh the power. You know I was just thinking about when we were at Nate's on the sofa bed. You, me and a lack of clothing xx

My evil was rubbing off on him. I remembered that night. How could I not? I bit my lower lip. Shit, his little plan was working.

"Her dad can get a little protective because Jill's his little girl." My mom cooed.

"That's understandable but I've got the feeling Jill can take care of herself." Hugh said.

"I like you already." I grinned.

"Dinner's almost ready. No phones." Mom looked at me and went to get the food. It didn't bother me, it was rude to text during dinner.

I texted Chase again.

You're such a shithead. Anyway, dinner's ready so I'll text you later xx

I wanted to put my phone away but it buzzed so I figured I'd just look quickly.

You can't be mad at me, I'm sick ;) <3

I was being ridiculous. I couldn't stop smiling at that stupid heart. For fuck's sake Jill, it's just a little heart, it doesn't mean anything. Stop being such a girl.

"I know that smile." Hugh had a knowing look in his eyes.

I groaned "Don't."

Hugh laughed "Ah young love. Don't worry, it'll be our little secret." He winked.

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