The bad girl and the dork

"Deck your balls with boughs of holly fa la la la la," I sang as I shoved an ornament in the fresh green and totally real plastic Christmas tree.

"Nice rendition," my mom said while appearing suddenly out of nowhere. I swear I thought I had the house to myself. Did she teleport here? Or maybe she took an hour-long dump. It was probably the latter.

"Yes, thank you. You know how passionate I am about Christmas songs," I replied with a big fake smile that hurt my cheeks. "We have Jingle Balls, All I want for Christmas is poo and now my new rendition of Deck the balls. It's a lovely CD for your loved ones and a perfect gift for underneath your tree."

"Right... well it's lovely that you're in a good mood," my mom said hesitantly. Why she did that? No idea. She wasn't baking anything and as long as that was the case, I knew it was fine.

"I'm not gonna be here to celebrate Christmas with you."

Apparently, it wasn't fine.

"What? How? But... What?" I stammered elegantly.

"I'm going to London with Hugh this Christmas. I figured you were old enough to-"

"Old enough to what? Spend Christmas alone? I don't even have my eight cats to celebrate it with. I'm not lonely enough to be a crazy cat lady. Isn't it a parent's obligation to spend Christmas with their offspring? Oh my god! And what about the presents? Did you forget about the presents, mom?! I'll just open them alone. All by myself with some sad violin music in the background," I said dramatically. I had to say, I was quite impressed with the level of drama that came out of my mouth so fluently. As if I'd been waiting an entire month to unleash the drama queen inside of me. Boy, did it feel good to get that out.

I briefly contemplated to do a fake faint while I rested the back of my hand on my forehead but figured that might be pushing it.

"I should've done this while you were in a bad mood," my mom mumbled. To be fair, she was right. I would've been like 'okay' and that would've been it. She really should've known better.

"Okay, let's talk business then," I said eerily, "you have to bring me back a gift from London. I'd say a hot British guy but I don't think Chase would let me keep him."

"That's your only condition? Deal!" My mom cheered and gave me a firm handshake. I didn't know her handshake was that firm. It exuded confidence. Not bad at all.

"Honey, if you don't have any plans, you're always welcome to join us," she offered while breaking me from my handshake appraisal.

"There's nothing more I'd want than spending Christmas with a couple of lovebirds. Yeah, no. Do your thing," I said with a supporting smile.

Don't get me wrong, I was fucking jealous she was gonna go to London but I am just the most perfect daughter in the world. You can ask anyone.

I'm kidding, don't ask anyone. Even my parents would disagree.

Although, I couldn't spend it with my dad either. He always made plans with Kate's family. New Year's was the day I had with my dad.

Spending it with Chase's family seemed... awkward. I mean, inviting myself? He wouldn't mind. Code definitely wouldn't mind. In fact, he'd probably steal me so we could sneak out and play videogames. Still, it wasn't my place to invite myself to a Christmas party with a family that wasn't even mine. I only owned two and a half people in that family; Chase, because he was my boyfriend and obviously I owned his ass, Code, because he was my best friend and I had too much shit about him as leverage and I owned Bus a little bit because I'd learned him some commands. That definitely created a bond.

Yes, I'm aware I just referred to Bus as a person. Shut up.

"Alright, thanks for being such a good sport about it, Jill. Good sport in your own way..." I didn't hear the rest of what my mom said because it ended up as a mumble. Thanks, mom.

"So, you'll have the house for yourself for about a week. I'll be back a few days after Christmas," my mom said right before she left the living room.

"The house by myself you say? The house by myself..." I uttered while rubbing my chin seductively. Well, there are at least 5 people in the entire world that would find that shit attractive.

About an hour later, I got fed up with decorating the tree and decided to drop the Jill Bomb at Chase's place. Did that work? Jill Bomb? As in; I'm gonna drop in like a bomb with my surprise visit?

Nope. That doesn't work.

"No Bus, I reaaaally don't wanna take you for a walk," I heard Code groan the second I walked through the door. Bus was sitting in front of Code with the leash in his mouth while Code was rubbing his hair and face in despair.

It was a lovely sight.

"Jill! Jill will take you for a walk," Code told his dog.

"Jill is gonna hurt Code if he keeps talking," I said in a cheery voice as if I was speaking to a dog but my eyes screamed murder at Code.

Bus seemed confused and ran away with the leash still in his mouth. He was probably gonna bother someone else in the house since Code was too lazy. As usual.

"What brings you here, my trusted little fleabag?" Code asked.

"Figured I'd drop the Jill Bomb in here," I answered.

Code stared at me for a second while blinking with his eyes, "that doesn't work," he concluded. "My balls wanted to crawl inside of my body when you said that."

"So it does work!" I said.

"You know, in the past I would've loved it when you would drop by but these days I have to work on my sulking," Code told me.

"Is this a new hobby?" I asked curiously. I wouln't be surprised if it was.

"No! My parents decided to keep the restaurant open on Christmas day. Can you believe that?" Code fumed. He didn't 'fume' like normal people, he just said the words a little louder than usual while still maintaining a neutral expression.

"So it's just you and Chase that day?" I asked, imagining the two of them having a romantic dinner by themselves.

"No, they're only gonna open it during the evening, so we celebrate at noon. Outrageous! Everyone knows I'm not alive until at least two o'clock. Noon is simply too early for my fragile mind," he complained.

"At least you get to spend it with your family. My mom told me she's going to London for a week, leaving poor old me alone for Christmas," I fake whined. I was already over it. To be honest, I didn't care too much. I knew that I could probably overeat and open presents when she was back.

"Haha, you win. That's sad," Code laughed. Good to see my pain caused him such joy.

"What's sad? Oh hey, Jill! I didn't know you were coming over," Chase appeared with the leash in his hand and a smug looking Bus next to him.

"She decided to drop the Jill Bomb in here," Code deadpanned.

"Jill Bomb? I like it," Chase chuckled.

"It doesn't work," Code and I said simultaneously. Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend but that dork of a guy doesn't have a clue.

"Was Code sulking again?" Chase asked me while his brother narrowed his eyes at him.

"No, I can't because Jill is more pathetic than me. She won," Code said while sulking even harder because he couldn't sulk anymore. The guy was complex in his own way.

"Why?" Chase asked me with a concerned look in his eyes.

"Because her mom is going to be in London on Christmas day so she'll be all alone in that big, lonely house," Code answered instead of me.

"That sucks," Chase said and kissed the top of my head, "I can keep you company during the evening," he opted.

"Yeah, we can come over! Christmas party!" Code shouted. Chase and I looked at him and wondered why he was part of this conversation anyway. I guess Chase's plans for a relaxing evening with me got flushed down the toilet. I could imagine how much he loved his brother right now.

"We have to text the others! And by 'we' I mean you should text the others," Code grinned sheepishly.

"Don't they all have plans?" Chase pondered.

"Probably but knowing them they'll ditch those plans for a Christmas party," I said, "except for Gwen, she'll manage to combine the two."

As it turned out, I was right. Obviously. I'm usually right about things. That's my thing. I have a thing.... okay, I don't have a thing. Whatever, I don't need one.

The gang had all texted back in record time to tell me they could make it. Except for Snake. He had to work in the restaurant that day. I could imagine Code sulking extra hard that day while complaining to his parents.

Gwen even offered to set up everything with me, then go back home for some extra family time and then come back for the Christmas party. Apparently they did the big food thing the day before.

I didn't really know what Gwen meant with 'set up' but I soon found out when she arrived with a big box full of decorations to make it seem like the Christmas elves drank too much tequila and vomited all over the house.

"Hmm, I need to know where Code is gonna sit so I can really fuck with him," Gwen pondered. She was wearing something red and was rocking glittery eyeliner. The girl had a thing for holidays.

"What do you have planned?" I asked excitedly. Code and Gwen were kinda like cat and dog. They were friends but they really liked to work on each other's nerves. We all supported this friendship, it was highly entertaining.

"I don't know, probably a fart cushion," she shrugged.

"He'd love that though," I snorted.

"Yeah... Dammit! I've been busy, okay?" she acted aggravated.

"With some guy?" I wiggled my eyebrows.

"With Christmas shit, you moron," Gwen laughed.

When Gwen left, I was waiting like a little kid. I was actually looking forward to this new kind of Christmas. We had this idea to give each other the cheapest gift we could find. I picked Snake's name, so I'd have to give it to him afterwards but it was worth it. Even though the gifts needed to be ridiculous and stupid, mine was pretty awesome. I'd called Hugh and asked him to ship me a Kinder Surpise egg. Snake was gonna lose his shit.

While I was waiting I'd texted Chase to ask if he could come a little earlier... because of needs. He said he loved to but that it was impossible to come around without Code. I understood. Chase got brotherblocked.

"I came early!" I heard Jake yell after the door creaked open.

"Those poor girls," I smirked, "why are you early anyway?"

"Because I loooove family parties," Jake said with an annoyed expression. I decided not to ask and shoved a bottle of beer in his hands.

"So what's the plan other than Crappy Secret Santa? I really didn't bother to read all those group texts," Jake confessed.

"Well, Code didn't want a crappy gift so we decided to buy really cool presents for each other," I tried to say as casually as possible. Luckily, I was a skilled actress.

"You suck at lying. So nothing to catch up on? Nice," Jake replied and took a swig of his bottle.

"Nothing really. We're gonna order food, drink all the drinks and that's about it," I told him.

"What more could you want?" Jake asked.

"My mommy," I fake cried but stopped when Jake poked me with his elbow. The guy had bony elbows and it kinda hurt but I was too proud to admit that.

"Your tree looks like shit by the way," he said with an amused look on his face. Yeah, I guess it was kinda pathetic.

It wasn't really finished but I couldn't be bothered to finish it and my mom had been too busy packing and traveling to save the tree. It had lights and a few ornaments. Close enough.

Fortunately, Gwen hadn't noticed because she probably would've yelled at me. She actually made something to put on the big table so at least that looked pretty festive. No mistletoe because that would've been gross. And she had hung Christmas lights pretty much everywhere.

It was disgusting in a beautiful way.

"I know," I sighed.

"Couldn't be bothered?" Jake asked while his lips curled into a sneaky smile.

"Yup," I answered to which we clinked our bottles of beer against each other. Jake and I were full of Christmas cheer.

A few minutes later Chase, Code and Snake visited us.

"Snake! How?" I asked while Jake ran up to him and lifted him while the rest looked in horror because it was an accident waiting to happen. Luckily, nobody got hurt in the process except for Jake's health because he seemd to be out of breath.

"We kidnapped him," Code shared with a grin.

I looked at Chase and silently asked him what actually happened.

"Code kept sulking that it wasn't fair that Snake couldn't make it to the party so as a present to Snake, they gave him the night off," Chase explained.

"And I'm still getting paid!" Snake added.

"Really? That's fucking awesome," Jake said while giving him a bottle of beer.

"I feel like they're paying you to be friends with us," Code said while narrowing his eyes, "well, that's enough thinking for me today. I'm turning my brain off now," he added. Atta boy.

"Where's the other one?" Snake asked while looking around.

"Other what?" I asked.

"The other one with the boobs," he said while cupping his imaginary tits.

"Gwen? She's gonna be a little late. Family shit," I explained while ignoring Snake's stupid way of asking a question.

"Oh and my parents gave us another gift!" Chase said and instead of elaborating he just walked outside and never came back.

Okay, he did come back but it seemed like an eternity. Jeeze, what a cliffhanger.

He returned with loads of plastic bags and kicked Code lightly so he could take the rest. With a huge groan, Code went outside.

Before Chase could explain everything, I was already rummaging through the bags. I had no patience or discipline whatsoever. But that's just part of my charm.

"Food!" I exclaimed and did a little happy dance.

"Mmm not just any food but restaurant food," Jake said while wiping the imaginary drool from his face.

"A receipt? Are they charging us?" Code asked.

"Gimme that. It's a note, you ass. I wish your parents charged you for their food. It would keep the sulk alive," I snorted.

Dear Jill, thank you for entertaining our children during this festive but busy day. Consider this as a Christmas present. Enjoy your meal!

PS: Code, not too much. This stuff makes you gassy.

Love, Paula and Derrick

"Oh man! I love your parents. Free food and a jab at Code," I laughed.

Gwen arrived shortly after and then silence fell upon us.

We take eating very seriously so as we kept shoving food in our mouths, we didn't have the time to talk to each other. Gwen had put The Grinch on (because it reminded her of me, fuck her) so we had some noise in the background.

The crappy gifts were actually a crappy idea. My gift was way too good. Snake was genuinely happy but struggled making the little toy inside.

"This is not made for big people hands," he pouted.

"Ooh it's a car!" Jake said and wanted to help Snake but he refused to accept that. The stickers had weird placement but you could see it was a tiny car. Eventually. I had taken him a fifteen fucking minutes to make the little car.

I received a wobbly stress relieve ball that looked like a testicle. I'm not gonna say who it's from, you already know the answer. Gwen received a rock. A plain old ugly rock.

"Think fast," she shouted as she threw it at Code. You know Code, he never thinks fast. The rock was thrown like a professional and landed against his forehead. Gwen shot and scored!

After it happened, Code refused to give the rock back to Gwen so eventually she didn't receive a present. But, being optimistic, she told us there was no greater gift than seeing Code getting hit in the face with a rock. So it was all good.

A few hours later, we were all sitting in front of the TV, holding our bellies as if it would burst apart otherwise. We were watching another stupid Christmas movie. I wasn't really watching it, I was actively digesting my food. It took a lot of energy and focus.

"Alright, time for dessert!" Snake said while taking a big ass cake out of the bag. We all groaned and moaned but took a slice anyway.

It ain't Christmas until you hate yourself and want to puke.

"I think maybe next year we should buy actual presents instead of crappy ones," Code suggested while eating the cake with a sad look on his face because it was delicious but he was struggling.

"Next year? Isn't this a one time thing?" I asked.

"Oh I'm sorry. Are we secondhand company? Good enough because you didn't have plans tonight but not good enough to make this a tradition?" Jake snapped but I could see an amused sparkle in his eyes. It was either that or he felt murderous.

"Traditions are important, Jill!" Gwen added.

"Alright, okay! We'll do this every year, you bunch of fucks," I said.

"Yeah! We'll do this every year! Until a better offer comes along," Snake laughed but that changed quickly when he earned a punch from Gwen.

"I can imagine in ten years, we'll argue whose idea it was and Code will claim it was his idea but nobody will believe him because he's Code," Chase told us.

We all laughed except for Code.

He was sulking.

--

Theeere we go! I hope you liked this bonus chapter. I didn't really plan anything, so when I started writing I had no idea what this chapter was gonna be about :p

Did you miss Jill and the rest? I know I did.

So, I'm thinking about writing a 온라인카지노게임 about a young woman who runs a succesful break up service. She helps people break up with their partners. Then one day a girl walks in and says that she always gets dumped and wants to know why that is. So they try to figure it out together. It's kinda chicklit/humor-ish. But I'm not sure if that's anything you'd want to read?

Anyway, let me know what you think about the bonus chapter and the 온라인카지노게임 idea!

Happy holidays queefy friends! ;)