𝓕𝓔𝓐𝓡𝓢 ||𝚌. 𝚜𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚒...

i freeze as i stare at the L.A mansion, which is practically bursting at the seams with party guests.

i turn and face georgia, matt, nick, and chris. "okay! let's go back home."

chris laughs and grabs my arm before i can march back to the car. "i'm sorry, i didn't think it'd be this crowded." he turns to the rest of the group. "if this is too much, we can go back."

i was mostly joking about wanting to leave, but i appreciate that he's willing. "no, it's okay."

"yeah, we came all this way," georgia agrees. "it'll be fun!"

chris's hand is still on my arm. as if he only just realizes this, he slowly lets me go.

i try not to let my thoughts linger on that. "come on," i urge, starting towards the house. the front door is wide open, so of course there's no point in knocking.

an explosion of noise comes rushing at us the moment we step through the door. music, loud conversations, laughter. i shout to the others, "where should we go?"

chris looks around before indicating a direction for us to follow. he leads us to the kitchen, which is far enough away from the speakers and the more crowded areas that we no longer have to shout to be heard. even still, there are at least twenty people standing in the kitchen. chris grabs us some sodas.

"what do we do now?" i ask.

"meet famous people?" georgia suggests.

just then, a few girls come up and start talking to the triplets. they speak excitedly about being big fans and mention things like collaborations and tiktok posts.

"forgot they were the famous people," georgia whispers.

when the girls leave, new people take their place to talk to the sturniolos. i realize that this same pattern will probably repeat itself all night. not because they're the most famous people here or anything, but because this is the type of party where people just walk around and introduce themselves to each other, talk about content, and then move on to the next person. maybe georgia and i should leave them alone and meet people ourselves.

"oh my gosh, i think that's tara yummy," georgia says suddenly.

"tara who?"

"you seriously don't know her either?"

i shake my head. georgia stares eagerly into the distance.

"go on," i say, shoving her a little.

"what?"

"go introduce yourself."

she looks anxiously towards the crowd, then back at me. "i can't just go over there and talk to her!" she says. "and i don't want to leave you here alone."

"yes you totally can. and i'll be fine. go meet people. that's what this party is all about."

"are you sure? what if we can't find each other after?"

i hold up my phone. "we live in the era of digital communication, my friend."

georgia laughs. "fine, okay. i'll text you."

"if you want. but seriously, go on and meet new people."

georgia quickly squeezes my hand before being swallowed by the crowd.

i start making my way around the house, too. i guess that being clueless about content creators is my downfall in a place like this. actors and actresses, i know. movie directors, producers, random film facts; i know all about that stuff. but content creators? not so much. some faces are familiar, but i don't know anyone's name, which makes it seriously awkward to approach them.

i edge the crowd until i make it to another crowded room. a girl stops me and asks me what i do. i assume she wants to know if i have a large following, so instead of answering directly, i just tell her i'm here with the sturniolos. her eyes light up and she asks me where they are. before i can offer anything more than a general wave in some random direction, she's gone.

i meet some more people, but it's hard to hold a conversation with them. i have nothing to contribute in terms of the topic of content creation. it would be easier if i was actually successful as an actress, because at least then i could relate on the level of being recognized in public and featured onscreen. i can't, though, so mostly i listen while they talk before excusing myself and wandering around some more.

i check my phone a few times to see if anyone has texted, but they haven't. the boys probably know most of these people anyway, some of them personally, so i'm sure they're having a good time. and georgia is such a fan girl for people like these, so she's probably ecstatic. i don't want to bother them with a message.

after about an hour of wandering around and superficial conversations, i finally sit in an empty spot on a sofa and open instagram.

just a few minutes, i tell myself. just a break from all the small talk. maybe in a bit, i'll find the others and we'll all hang out in a group together. maybe they'll introduce me to some people who have more to say.

suddenly, a hand is on my shoulder. i whip my head up to see if someone's trying to kidnap me, but it's only chris. i practically melt with relief when i see him.

"i've been looking for you," chris shouts over the noise.

"you have?" i shout back. i stand up from the couch so that he can hear me better. "why didn't you text?"

he holds up his phone. "dead."

i would make a sarcastic comment about him not charging his phone (because how hard is it to do?), but he probably wouldn't hear me anyway. instead, i shake my head.

he only shrugs, looks around, then looks back at me again. then he grabs my hand for me to follow him.

fireworks go off in my chest, but thankfully no one hears it over the party sounds.

i practically float behind him, not even caring where he is leading me. to meet some of his friends? i don't mind. i'm just happy to be with him right now.

except he doesn't lead me to anyone, or to a big group of friends. instead, he leads me towards a staircase.

it's much more quiet by the staircase, so he explains himself without needing to yell. "i found a room up here. there's a couch, snack bar, a tv. wanna go? it's empty." he quickly adds, "just to hangout someplace quiet for a bit. it's kinda overwhelming down here."

"if it's empty, don't you think that means it's off limits?"

"we won't mess anything up."

"okay then."

maybe it's a bad idea to go up to an empty room alone with chris when i'm on this whole 'don't have feelings for him' mission, but my legs don't listen to any logic and they carry me up the stairs anyway.

when we reach the top, he shows me to the room. the door is closed, so it probably (definitely) isn't meant for the general party guests, but it isn't locked, so i convince myself it's probably fine. chris holds the door open for me and i hurry in, collapsing on the couch in the middle of the room.

"that's much better." i sigh, relishing in the feeling of not going deaf. i can still feel the booming from the music coming from downstairs, but it's a hundred times less assaulting up here.

the room is pretty small, likely intended for just a few people to be in at once. there's a couch in the middle, and a large tv a few feet away. to my right is the door we just walked in through, and to my left is a candy bar, like chris said. there's a large fridge, too, which i'm sure contains an endless supply of drinks.

chris closes the door and flops down next to me. "so much better."

this room is quiet, peaceful. with the door closed, the party feels a thousand lightyears away. it feels like only chris and me.

"are the others coming?"

chris shakes his head. "they found people to talk with. i came up here looking for somewhere quiet, found this room, then went back to find you 'cause i noticed you went off alone."

"yeah, i was just kinda wandering around. met some nice people, i guess." there is a second of silence; a second where my mind confronts me with a decision: keep my feelings locked up, or let one little truth fly out? screw it. "i'd rather be with you, though," i add.

his eyes trail down my face for a moment. i feel something crackle in the air, a kind of electricity zapping between us as he says, "me too."

words have left me. the tension in the air right now is making my chest tight. i have to drag my eyes away from his face in order to take a proper breath again.

"what's your biggest fear?" he asks me suddenly.

"would you let it slide if i said roller coasters?" i try.

he moves slightly closer. "absolutely not. you faced that fear already. and i don't mean like heights or spiders or any of that. i mean . . ."

he doesn't finish because i know what he means. those fears that we all have, the ones that we keep locked tightly away. failure. rejection. losing someone. disappointing others. committing to the wrong thing. those are often scarier than heights and spiders.

do i tell him? will he think i'm immature? will he distance himself from me? what if he really does like me back, and telling him this will make him leave?

i look back at him, back at those blue eyes. his face is open, patient. like he could sit right here forever until i'm ready to answer him. all the little doubts leave me, because deep down, i know that i can trust him. i know that he won't leave me over this.

"my biggest fear . . . is having a boyfriend."

saying it out loud makes it all seem so silly. i let out a laugh, shake my head. but chris's face is serious.

"my biggest fear is having a girlfriend," he almost whispers.

i feel myself move closer to him. "really?"

"really."

he lets out a breath and asks, "why is that your biggest fear, bree?"

all these months, i've kept it inside. kept it from every single person that i know. but looking at him now, seeing that patience and that loyalty, i wonder . . . what would happen if i just told him? what would happen if i chose truth for a change? if i was vulnerable and honest?

i know i shouldn't. i know i should keep up this protection, this armor, this shield. it's kept me safe in our friendship thus far.

but when i look up at chris one more time, in that moment, i don't care. i want to let him in.

in just one second, i tear down every single wall i've spent years building. i tell him the truth.

"i'm afraid that i'll only disappoint him. and that he'll disappoint me. because i've been trying to pursue a career in acting for years and all i've done is fail. chris, i haven't landed one role. when i picture it . . . i feel like a failure through and through." i shift my eyes to my hands, clasped together in my lap. it's easier not to look at him right now. "i'm afraid that that's what'll happen in a relationship. i'm just going to fail him."

i expect him to tell me that what i've said isn't true, but he doesn't. instead, he just puts his hand in mine. my body instantly warms from his touch. and suddenly, i'm glad that he isn't trying to diminish what i've told him. he lets it all hang in the air for a moment before speaking.

"i'm afraid that i'll lose everything i've made for myself if i let someone in." i sit there, still as stone, listening to him open up. this moment feels like a dream. i'd believe it, too, if it weren't for the concrete feeling of his hand in mine. "i'm afraid that i'll lose my fans, lose interest in youtube, and give everything to her. i'm afraid that my relationship with my brothers will change. i'm afraid that i'll give her everything, only for her to . . . leave."

we sit in silence for a moment, our words hanging all around us.

chris continues after awhile. "but since i've been getting to know you, i've realized that it's good to face your fears."

"it is, isn't it?"

"yeah. it is." he takes a deep, nervous breath. "which is why i'm about to do something terrifying."

the world slows down as he leans closer, cupping my face gently in his palms. i sink into his touch, his warmth, his closeness. all these months that i've known him, i have wanted to be close to him like this. wanted to, but was always too afraid.

screw fear.

"can i kiss you?" chris asks, an inch away from my lips.

my answer, yes, gets lost somewhere between my lips and his as i kiss him.

author's note:

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