{ seven }

                                        

                                              
after the hot sauce debacle, we scavenged the freezer and found a half-full container of ice cream, another leftover of some previous guest. i opposed to it at first, having no idea what kind of contaminants could be inside that container, but the only convincing chris needed was the knowledge that it had not yet passed its expiry date. seeing him eat the cool, soothing, delicious stuff made the pain on my tongue even more pronounced, so it didn't take long for me to give in. 
now we're sitting on the back porch, just the two of us, the sun hanging low in the sky. the party had felt crowded and too hot after the hot sauce, so we stepped out for fresh air. the ice cream sits between us, and we take turns stabbing at it with our plastic spoons. 
"told you there was nothing wrong with it," he says, taking a big bite. 
"i'm trying not to think about it too hard," i reply, pushing away the image of someone else's germy spoon in the ice cream. "and anyway, we'll find that out if we get sick in a couple hours." 
"we won't," he says, waving off my doubts. "freezing things kills all the germs. it's the same as how you can still eat stuff you dropped on the floor after cooking it 'cause the heat kills all the bad stuff. you know?" 
i pretend to scoot away from him. "remind me to never eat something cooked by you." 
chris rolls his eyes, a smile on his face. "come on, don't tell me you've never done that." 
okay, he's got me there. "perhaps." 
he laughs and we settle into silence for a moment, the sound of chirping birds and wind whispering through tree branches making everything peaceful. 
"roller coasters," chris muses. "hot sauce. what'll it be next?" 
the question makes my stomach flutter in anticipation, but i play it off with a joke, like i always do. "maybe you can face your fears of cooking good food and make us dinner." 
without hesitation, chris steals the ice cream away before my spoon can make contact. "hey!" i gasp. "wait!"
i lunge for the stolen goods, but he moves out of the way with ease. "okay!" i groan. "i take it back!" i reach around him and grasp for the container. now we're closer than ever, with my arm over his and my face practically pressed against shoulder.
we laugh as we fight over the container. "fine, you're an awesome cook!" i exclaim. finally, he sets the ice cream back down. "that's what i thought," he says. 
i look up at him, meaning to respond with some sort of clever comeback, but immediately, i forget what i was about to say. just looking at him, the words leave my mouth. his soft smile, his blue eyes gleaming in the light of the setting sun. his hair—no hat today—being gently played with by the wind. his presence. our closeness. him. everything about him. 
oh my gosh. 
the realization slams me in the chest like a ton of bricks. i like him. i like him. i really, really like chris. 
what i had tried so hard to argue, deflect, deny; what i had tried so hard to push away comes rushing back at me with such clarity that i can't believe i ever fell for the lie that i was telling myself. the lie that i was indifferent towards him. 
indifference doesn't feel like a thousand butterflies taking flight. indifference doesn't feel like your breath being snatched from your lungs. indifference doesn't feel like a million kinds of hope making a home in the cavity of your chest, somewhere close to your quickly beating heart. 
no, i'm not indifferent towards him. not even a little bit. 
i like chris. 
after a few seconds of staring, i tear my gaze from his, wondering how i am ever going to make this crush go away.
- 
"thanks for inviting us," georgia is saying to nick, hugging him again, as we make our way towards the front door. most of the party guests have left already, and georgia and i are finally making our way out, too. 
"of course. we have to hang out again," nick replies. 
georgia beams. "i'd love that!" 
matt calls a goodbye from the couch, and georgia and i wave. 
chris is standing off to the side a little, closer to me. "see you later, bree," he says, a smirk on his lips. 
"see you later, chris." 
he gestures to the phone in my hand. "could i give you my number?" he asks. "you never know when you might need someone to help you face your fears." 
i laugh. "oh yeah? what're you gonna do, come over and kill a spider for me?" 
he shakes his head vigorously. "oh no, absolutely not. i don't do spiders." 
"no? amusement parks and bad choices are more your thing?" 
the smirk is back. "i guess you could say that." 
wondering if i'm making a bad choice myself, i hand over my phone before i can stop myself. 
"thanks," he says, taking it and entering his number. when he hands it back, i text him right away so that he has my number, too. 
i put my phone carefully back in my pocket, almost like it's more special now that his number is in it. 
"bye! see you!" georgia waves to the triplets, walking out the door as i follow. 
"bye!" i exclaim. the door shuts behind us. 
i manage to keep my composure until we're a few yards down the sidewalk before i collapse dramatically into a patch of grass. 
"bree?!" georgia exlaims. "what's wrong?" 
"you were right," i moan, my arms splayed across the ground. 
the panic disappears from georgia's voice. now she's amused and curious. "about what?" 
"i like chris." 
georgia cackles before falling into place next to me. "i knew it!" she screeches. 
"don't," i warn. i stare up at the night sky as i speak to her, the freshly cut grass digging into my skin underneath me. "it's painful enough as it is." 
georgia sits up to look at me. "painful? why would it be painful? chris is super sweet, and from the way you guys interacted tonight, i would guess that he probably feels the same." 
any false hope will make this whole thing even harder. "don't say that! you know how i feel about this, georgia. now isn't the time for . . . that. boys or dating or whatever." i remember the words in my notebook. 
"maybe you feel that way because you haven't met the right person yet." 
i sigh. "i'm not any good at this. i don't know how to feel." 
i've only met chris twice, but the thought of losing him hurts. the thought of seeing him again is exciting. maybe i can take that and turn it into something i can work with. 
"i want to be his friend, georgia. okay? but that's it. i want to see him again, and hang out more, with nick and matt too, but just as friends. will you help me do that?" 
georgia sighs. "if that's what you want." 
"that is what i want," i say firmly, willing myself to believe it. 
"but am i allowed to say 'i told you so' when you realize that you can't be just friends with him? when you fall madly in love with him and your life is never the same?" 
"stop it! you're not helping!" i sit up in the grass and cross my arms. "i will not fall for him. got it? i will not fall for chris sturniolo." 
it won't even be that difficult. 
right?