{ three }

                                        

                                              
"tell me everything!" 
georgia and i are sitting in her car in a dunkin donut's parking lot, an iced coffee in each of our hands and the bright afternoon sun peering at us through the windshield. 
while this morning was the most nervous i had ever seen my friend, right now may be the happiest, most elated version of her i've seen in our two years of friendship. 
"where do i even begin?" georgia expresses, a dreamy look on her face. "it was absolutely amazing." 
"aw, georgie, i'm so glad!" 
she beams. "the set was so fun. all the models were so nice, and everything just felt so comfortable and natural and encouraging." 
"everything a model could hope for." 
she nods. "it seriously was. it didn't feel like work at all, it just felt like . . . hanging out." 
"and how was meeting nick?" 
georgia squeals. "oh my gosh, bree! i was so star-struck at first, but he made me feel so comfortable. he is so nice in person! we were even talking one-on-one while the other models were taking pictures, and he was just so genuine! i want to be his best friend, seriously." 
"he sounds awesome," i say. "not stuck-up like some influencers out here." 
"tell me about it. trust me, i have modelled for far, far  worse individuals." i know this is true from her grave expression along with the horror stories she's told me. what models go through isn't always sunshine and rainbows. 
the delighted smile returns to her face. "anyways, it was incredible. he was great, the other models were great, the shoot was great—honestly, it was a dream." suddenly, she grimaces. "was it too long? time was flying for me, but it took over three hours. that must have felt like ages, i'm so sorry." 
i wave her off, taking a sip of my iced coffee. "don't worry about it. it was actually . . . kind of fun." 
"fun?" she asks, curious. she picks up her own drink and stirs the ice around. "what did you do?" 
for some reason, i almost feel nervous to tell her. will she think i was stupid for leaving with strangers? upset that i left without telling her? 
"well, you know nick's brothers, right?" 
"yeah," she says, "matt and chris." 
"right. well, they got kicked out of the shoot—"
georgia laughs. "oh yeah! chris ran right into this massive light and knocked the whole thing over. it was hilarious, and nick was so mad." 
i laugh with her, picturing chris's clumsiness. "wish i could have witnessed that. anyways, i was a little bored waiting, and then chris and matt came out. they were going to go to six flags, and they saw that i was bored, and so . . . they asked me to go with them." 
her jaw practically hits the floor. "they what?"
i play with my orange straw. "yeah, so, i went with them for a little bit." 
georgia is silent for a few moments before she says, "bree, that is so a situation you would get yourself into." 
my nerves dissipate and i let out a laugh. "whatever. but it was actually really fun, and they're both super nice." 
"that is so wild, bree miller. you were really hanging out with the sturniolos?" 
"so were you," i point out. 
"yeah, but i was being paid to!" 
"even luckier. also," i add, smiling proudly, "i got over my fear of roller coasters." 
she gasps. "no way! i never thought this day would come! remember when you told me you'd turn down an acting role if they made you ride a roller coaster?" 
my cheeks turn pink with embarrassment. i had a lot of talk in me back then. now i would be lucky to be offered any role at all, even if it meant bungee jumping or skydiving or swimming with sharks. "okay, i was totally just exaggerating and being dramatic when i said that. but it was actually fun." 
"i can't believe you were out with matthew and christopher sturniolo! riding roller coasters! and here i thought you were actually just sitting in the waiting room the whole time." 
"to be fair, i was practically twitchy after less than half an hour." 
georgia laughs. "my bad. next time i'll bring you an ipad and some applesauce." 
i shove her shoulder. "alright, alright, that's enough. let's go." 
georgia puts the car in drive and takes me back to my little apartment, where we spend the afternoon on my living room couch, talking all about her photoshoot and my impromptu outing. 
- 
my biggest fear is having a boyfriend. 
i stare at the words i just wrote in my journal. the black ink against the white page. the journal itself was a gift from one of my drama teachers before i moved out here. follow your dreams, is written in the front cover, and reading it makes my heart ache. 
i don't write in it every day or anything, but every once in a while, when i need to get my thoughts out, i pour everything i have into these pages. the first third of the journal is filled with stories of leaving home for the first time, tear-stained pages about casting rejections, and every emotion in between. 
i look at the words again. 
my biggest fear is having a boyfriend. 
i take a breath, then continue to write. 
hanging out with chris today made me realize it even more. not because he's into me or anything, it wasn't like that at all, but because he could be everything i want in a partner. 
i know i sound delusional. i only met him once for a few hours. but he was funny, and kind, and i'll admit it, he was really good-looking too. 
but my biggest fear is having a boyfriend. and even though i was able to get on a roller coaster today, this isn't the type of fear you get over in one quick ride.
growing up, i've always been too focused on saving money and memorizing lines to ever have time for a romantic relationship. living in L.A is no different. school, work, repeat. 
but it's deeper than simply not having time for it. it's the fear of disappointment. disappointment that goes both ways:
fear that i will disappoint him, and fear that he will disappoint me. 
L.A isn't what i thought it would be. acting didn't work out like i had hoped. i'm not as good as anyone believed i was. i feel like i've failed the world, but at the same time, i feel like the world has failed me. 
if someone like chris ever comes along to sweep me off my feet . . . i only imagine it ending with disappointment. not even heartbreak, because that at least implies that there was passion at some point. just disappointment. 
one day, he'll realize that i'm not as pretty as he thought, not as charming. he'll realize that he wants me on my good days, but could do without me on my bad. he'll realize that i'm not all that he first thought me to be. 
i'll realize that he has become distant, that he is pulling away. i'll realize that i am failing him and that he is giving up on me. it just feels so . . . inevitable. 
if i can hardly hold my own life together, how can i expect to support someone else in a relationship?
yes, i was scared of roller coasters. i'm scared of driving too fast and sometimes i'm scared of the noises my apartment makes in the middle of the night. 
but my biggest fear is having a boyfriend. 
because i will disappoint him. 
and he will disappoint me.