Colliding Love - Tucker Billi...

I've been with Sawyer and her siblings before, but normally it's just one at a time. To be around them all is like being in the middle of a game of tennis, and the ball is just teasing comments being volleyed back and forth at a speed I can barely follow. Most of the serves land inbounds and there are very few kill shots. The lines are clearly defined and seem to be respected. 

For me, it's strange being immersed in such a big, generally happy, group. They gel. The same way a really cohesive team might. Which has never been my experience—there's usually one prick ready to puncture an otherwise positive atmosphere in the dressing room.

Their light ribbing is the first time in a long time that I do kind of wish for more of a family. Or maybe it's just my mom's family waiting in the wings that's making me reconsider. Chayton and his dad are the only people who've ever felt like family to me. Holidays and special occasions were quiet with just the three of us, and I thought I liked that best.

Maybe I just liked our trio because I didn't know any better, never experienced anything more. The foster homes I moved in and out of were often chaotic or not well managed. I wasn't lucky enough to land in a house that ever felt like my home.

Then I met Chayton's dad at thirteen, and he cared about me. Most of the initial caring was because of hockey, but it was the first time someone who didn't have to take notice of me saw me—really saw me—and liked what they saw. From there, my life went up and up and up. Because of them.

I ease my hand along Sawyer's thigh under the oversized dinner table that we're all seated around while catering staff mill about keeping everyone happy. Her family hi온라인카지노게임 is rich and deep, and I love that she's included me.

"Too much?" she whispers, leaning close.

I brush my lips across her cheek and then whisper back, "Never enough."

She gives me a delighted grin when I draw back. "Liar."

"Never enough of you."

She searches my expression before saying, "I believe that."

"Good. It's the truth."

"Logan," Gage says from across the table. "Hockey gossip says there might be a trade. Give us the inside scoop."

"You know as much as me," I say, raising my glass of water and taking a sip. "Rumors every year."

"Rumors about who?" Sawyer asks, her expression still amused.

"Your boy," Gage says. "If the team trades him, Bellerive can have more than one functioning line. They definitely don't have that now."

"What?" Sawyer turns to look at me, and her expression is curious, but there's something in her eyes that tells me she might be hurt. "Why would they trade you? Where would you go?"

"They'd trade me because I take up a lot of the team's salary cap. If I'm gone, they can get more players and draft picks to deepen the bench."

"Where would you go?" she asks again, her voice tight.

"Wherever they tell me to go. That's how I ended up here." I say it like the trade wouldn't be a big deal.

"Did I step in it?" Gage asks, angling his glass between me and Sawyer.

"I just didn't know," Sawyer says, and her tone is stiff.

"At this point, it's unlikely to happen until after this season is over."

We stare at each other for a beat because this isn't the time or the place to be having this conversation, and I can't read how much, if at all, she cares that I could be off the island at the end of the season.

"Okay," Ember says with false enthusiasm. "Who wants desert?"

***

I've gotten the silent treatment before, but this is the first time I've cared. As soon as we're alone in the car at the end of the evening, I'm tempted to call her on it. It's kind of bullshit. She's the one who's said all along that we're done at the end of this season. If that's not what she wants, she needs to tell me. If it is what she wants, she's got zero reason to be pissed at me or anyone else for seeking a trade.

"You're mad because..." I start when the silence is only making me mad in response.

"I just don't understand why you wouldn't have told me."

"I don't understand why you'd care, since the trade would happen at the end of the season."

"Of course I would care, Logan," she says, and as soon as I hear the tears in her voice, the tension in me eases.

"You were the one who wanted us over at the end of the season, doc. That was never me." But this time, I keep the bite out of my tone.

"We're at different stages in our lives."

"Not drastically different."

"I want a healthy relationship with marriage and kids sooner rather than later."

"Are you implying our relationship isn't healthy? Because that'd be news to me."

"No, I just..." She lets out a deep sigh. "Do you want to be traded?"

"Do you want me to be traded?"

"Oh my god. Can we not? Can you just give me a straight answer?"

"Being traded is neither here nor there to me at the moment." I shrug. My answer isn't really honest, but it's not exactly dishonest. She must know she's the biggest factor in whether I'd want to stay. "If I got traded to a team in cup contention, that would be a good career move for me."

"Is that likely?"

"Don't know. I just found out about the trade rumors right before you picked me up. Every year there are rumors. That's what happens when you're worth a lot of money and the team you play for is generally not good."

"The Bullets are—"

"Going to be lucky to make the playoffs at the rate we're going."

"You're one of the top scorers in the league. The whole league."

"Yeah, which is why the team's overall performance is such a red flag." The irony, somewhat, is that Dalton wanted me to play like shit at the start of the season, so he could justify trading me. That had been my line of thinking too. I didn't think I could play better, but I knew I could play worse. No team wants an expensive star player who isn't performing like a star.

Instead, I got Sawyer, who's made me infinitely better on and off the ice, but the end result is the same. I'm worth more as a trade with the shape the team is in right now.

"You think they'll trade you."

"I think there's a very good case to get rid of me for those who'd like to see me gone."

"If you were traded you'd go?"

"What choice do I have? I didn't want to come here. It's the nature of the game. You go where you're wanted."

"It just doesn't seem right to me," she says, and her voice is watery again. "That you can play so well and they just get rid of you."

"You made me too good, doc." I raise her hand and kiss the back of it because I hate when she seems sad. This conversation is leaving a bitter taste in my mouth too, but I'm trying hard to hide it. "Lots of people will want me now."

"That's awful," she whispers. "I don't even want to think about it."

But to me, that's just hockey. What bothers me is how clear it is that she has some kind of attachment to me. She won't admit it. She won't tell me she wants me to stay. Or even that me, beyond this season, is any kind of priority for her.

So, I won't fight a trade, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to forget moments like right now when I feel so close to her and still so fucking far. 

What do you think?

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