Colliding Love - Tucker Billi...

When I was with Dalton, I was so busy caring about his happiness, his success, that I never noticed until it was too late that he cared very little about mine. It's like I was living my life in black and white shades, and I've finally discovered that technicolor exists. That's how stark the contrast is.

Like right now, while I'm working on Matilda in a treatment room, Logan's in the weight room amusing Matilda's son to make my job easier. He has a photoshoot tonight at the area for some brand deal, followed by a bit for a television commercial, and he's staying here late with me to make my life easier. When Matilda arrived, Logan said, "I'll stay to watch him because then he won't be under your feet." That might seem like an exaggeration, but sometimes her son literally weaves between my legs as I'm working on his mother.

"You need to put a ring on that man's finger and lock him down," Matilda says, not even bothering to keep her volume dialed low.

When I only laugh, she says, "I'm serious. That video of the two of you at the arena? I've watched it an embarrassing number of times. Can't even believe I'm telling you."

"People didn't like me with him, so we made them like us."

"Like you? They want to be you. Every woman fifty and under wants to be Sawyer Tucker. You turned a terse, serious man into someone who glows when he talks about you. When we talk about a glow up? That's literally your man."

I should tell her that we're not as serious as we've made it seem. But those words die in my throat. Every day, it feels more and more like maybe we are that serious, and when I really consider that reality, it scares the shit out of me. Logan Bishop is supposed to be a rebound, a recovery—he's not supposed to be heartbreak.

"We're definitely starting to see some progress in this shoulder," I say to her. "I've got a new set of home exercises that Bituin printed for you before she left. I'll grab them."

I duck out of the room, and then I peek into the weight room where Logan has set up mini sticks, and the two of them are on the ground in a full on battle.

"Think I'll have to drag him out?" Matilda asks from the front desk, having followed me out of the room.

"Possibly," I say. "Depends on who's winning." I grab the pages from behind the desk and pass them to her.

Matilda comes with me back to the weight room door, and when Logan glances up and sees me there, he grins.

"There it is," Matilda whispers. "The glow up in real life."

"Shh," I say with a little laugh. But I know she's right. He so rarely gave real smiles when I first met him, and I get them all the time now.

"All right little man," Logan says to Matilda's son, and he catches the ball that comes flying toward his net. "We're done for today."

"Noooo!" he cries turning to stare at me and his mom. "I want to stay."

"Logan has a busy night," I say.

"Next time, bud," he says, ruffling his hair. "Maybe you'll even beat me."

The two of them tidy the mini sticks set and put it back on the shelf in the closet. Logan bought it after the last time he watched Matilda's son during a session because he figured he might as well do something they could both enjoy.

When the bell sounds to signal Matilda and her son's exit, Logan sweeps me into his arms and plants a lingering kiss on my lips.

"Be waiting at my apartment when I'm done all this sponsorship, brand deal bullshit?"

"What's in it for me?" I ask, nuzzling his neck.

"I got a package delivered today, if you're still up for experimenting. If not, I totally get it."

It's the closest he's come to alluding to what I told him about the videos and pictures a few days ago. He's been treating me with kid gloves—extra attentive, even more aware of any cues I give in terms of my mood. 

Maybe the tender treatment should annoy me because I'm not some fragile thing who can't cope, but I like his softness more than I would have expected. Months ago when we met, he was a gruff giant who was sometimes borderline rude. Now I see that for what it was. Armor. Self-protection. Someone with this soft of an underbelly can't go around showing it to everyone all the time.

And god help me, do I ever love that I'm the one that gets to see it.

"I'm down for opening your package," I say, rising on my toes to give him quick kiss. "As long as you also give me an update on the new family situation."

"Before or after you open my package?" He lifts me up and presses my spine against the wall. I lock my ankles at the small of his back. "The minute I see you, my first thought is always fuck, she's beautiful. But my second? This overwhelming need to bury myself so deep inside you that you never forget what it's like to be with me."

"What's stopping you?" I dig my hands into his hair, and I kiss him.

"Stupid work," he mutters. "Work interfering in my very important Doctor Tucker time."

"Technically I'm work too."

"Never feels like it."

"Not even when I'm kicking your ass?"

"Any part of you touching me is exactly what I want." He cups my cheek and kisses me again, long and slow, as though he's not in danger of being late. While he kisses me, he shows me how turned on he is with tiny thrusts that skim along my most sensitive parts. It's delicious foreplay that makes me want to wiggle closer, sustain the contact. One of his hands goes up my shirt and along my side to rest beside my breast, his thumb skimming the edge of my bra.

"If you don't leave, I'm going to make sure you're late," I say when he flicks my earlobe with his tongue and then sucks on it gently.

"I haven't had a "what the fuck are you doing" call from my agent and manager in a while," he murmurs against my neck. "I wouldn't want them to think I was too reformed."

I thread my hands into the back of his hair, and when he presses a little harder against my core, I can't help a moan.

"Is the front door locked?" he asks.

"No," I admit.

He releases a deep sigh and presses his forehead to mine. "I don't know what I thought about before I met you."

"Hockey," I say with a little laugh. "I think you thought about hockey a lot. Logan Bishop, are you telling me you can't stop thinking about me?"

"You already know that," he says, and his voice is gruff. "The more time I spend with you, the more time I want to spend with you."

"Sounds like how I feel," I say, my voice hushed. Admitting it is scary, but he deserves to know he's not alone.

"You feel that way about me too?"

"I took a week off work to be with you."

"Because Tamika asked you."

"But I went so quickly because it was you."

He bites his lip, and his hazel eyes take on a hint of determination that I've seen many times before. "I think you went because you were needed, or you felt needed. It's not the same as wanting to be there."

When I stiffen and pull back, he continues, "I don't want to fight about it, doc. If you think you feel the same way about me that I feel about you, then I'm happy."

Though it's clear from his phrasing that he doesn't think I do feel the same way as him.

"Can you let me down?"

He eases my legs down, and his hand lingers on my hip until I step away.

"You want to be needed, and I do need you, doc. That's not... I'm not trying to say anything bad."

"So what are you saying then?"

"I don't know. I don't know." He runs a hand through his hair. "I don't want to fight."

"You're going to be late," I say.

"Doc." He reaches for me, and I let him draw me into his arms, partially because it's my favorite place to be, even when I'm annoyed. He kisses my temple, and then he frames my face with his big hands to place a bristly kiss on my forehead. "I don't want to fight."

"We're not fighting, Logan. This isn't a fight. I'm just annoyed with you."

"I don't like you being annoyed with me. Be annoyed with someone else."

"Go to the arena, and maybe I'll find something else to be annoyed about."

"You're still coming to my apartment?"

"I'll have to think about whether I want to go," I mutter.

"It was a stupid thing to say, and I didn't mean it."

I think he did, but I also don't want to argue about it, especially when I think he's a little bit right. My frustration isn't really at him. Have I really changed at all since I was with Dalton?

I rise on my toes, and I kiss his cheek. "You should go."

"Are we cool?"

"The coolest."

The expression is skeptical, but he gathers up his things before planting one last quick kiss on my lips. "If you want to come over, just know that I want you there."

"Noted," I say. "Good luck with the photos and commercial."

He releases a deep sigh before he opens the door to the clinic and leaves.

***

Instead of going home, I head to my brother, Nate's house. When I ring the doorbell, it's not Nate that comes to the door, but his fiancée, Hollyn with their dog Henry at her side.

"Is Nate home?" I ask.

"No. He's out with Wyatt Burgess and Ellie Cooper scouting filming locations."

"Shut up!" I cry. "I love the movies they've done together. They're on the island?"

"Ellie has a movie she's scouting locations for. She'll be directing Wyatt. They reached out to Nate through Posey."

"If I'd known that was happening, I'd have shown up sooner."

"You can come in and wait, if you want. I don't know how long they'll be. They left a few hours ago."

"You didn't want to go?" I ask as I follow her into the house.

"Posey and I were meeting with interior design clients, and Wyatt and Ellie are on a tight schedule. Couldn't make it work for me to tag along. If they decide to shoot here, I'm totally going on set, though." Hollyn lets out a little laugh. "I'll probably just stare at them in awe instead of being normal. There are celebrities and then there are Wyatt Burgess and Ellie Cooper."

"So true," I agree, taking a seat on one of the couches.

"You're becoming quite famous yourself," Hollyn says, wandering into the open plan kitchen. "Drink?"

"Water would be great," I say. Without thinking I add, "Do you think it's a bad thing that I like to be needed?"

"What?" Hollyn asks, returning to the couch across from me with a glass of water with not nearly enough ice. Henry, their dog, hops up beside her, curling into Hollyn's side. "Why would that matter?"

I take a long sip and try to gather my thoughts. Nate's perspective is the one I wanted, but the urge to talk this out is too strong. "Growing up how we did, I think I felt a bit useless sometimes. So, I took on jobs and causes and anything that gave me purpose. Wherever I was needed, that's where I went."

"Makes sense," Hollyn says. "I found purpose in making enough money to survive. You had to find it somewhere else."

"That's not a bad thing, right?"

"You and Logan get in a fight?" Hollyn asks, raising her eyebrows.

"No," I say, feeling a bit petulant. "Not a fight exactly. He thinks I do things because people need me to do them and not because I want to do them."

"You think he's wrong?"

"He's probably right." He is right. "And yes, at times, I've sacrificed what I wanted for something someone else needed..."

"Like Dalton," Hollyn says, watching me closely. "You certainly weren't yourself with him by the end. More like the perfect politician's wife." Hollyn tries to catch my eyes. "You seem happier now, though."

"I'm feeling more like myself. And I don't think that I like to be needed is always a negative."

"Did he imply it was?"

"He thinks I only showed up to his away games because Tamiko needed me to calm down public perceptions."

"Is that why you went?"

"Yes, but if I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have." I pause for a minute to consider whether that statement is true. "I wouldn't have stayed the whole run of games if I didn't want to be with him." Of that, I'm sure.

"Maybe that's all he needs to hear."

"I understand why my reason would matter to me," I say. Given what happened with Dalton, I'm trying to avoid giving up too much of myself for someone else again. "But I don't know why he'd care."

Hollyn eases back into the couch more and dangles her glass of iced tea from her hand. "He grew up like me a bit, didn't he? Not much of a family."

"Chayton and his dad are the closest things he has to family." I don't mention the new crop who've appeared. They aren't a true connection yet.

"The best thing Nate ever did for me was want me, love me, for me. I'd been loved because I was someone else's daughter, because I was helpful, but he was the first person who saw me and loved me for me. All of me. It's a gift that I think... You've always known that your siblings wanted you around, right? You're all pretty tight now. Maybe you've never needed that type of validation. You want to be useful, and honestly, Logan probably just wants to be loved. He wants to be chosen. He probably wants to feel like you're choosing him. Showing up for him. Separate from what he can do—it's more about who he is."

"Oh, god," I breathe out because that makes so much sense. Ever since he started playing hockey, he's been chosen—for the best teams, the best lines—people are constantly choosing him. For a kid who grew up feeling discarded, that must have been heady stuff. And part of the reason he works so hard is probably because he doesn't want to be left behind.

On top of that, I bet he's never put himself in a position where he asked a person to pick him for anything outside hockey. Even his relationship with Chayton and his father came about because of hockey.

But he asked me to travel with the team, and he told me it was a big deal for him to ask. At the time, I was too deep into not giving into my desire to be needed, so I couldn't say yes. I needed to learn boundaries, even as he was trying to take his down. Then Tamiko needs me and I do say yes.

"I have to go," I say, getting to my feet. "Thank you. This was actually really helpful."

Hollyn laughs. "I'm glad I can be actually really helpful."

"I thought I needed Nate's perspective on me, but it turns out I needed your perspective on Logan."

"Do you want me to tell Nate you stopped by?"

"Just tell him to call me if he ever meets with Wyatt Burgess and Ellie Cooper again. I'd love a chance to be starstruck." Then I'm out the door and headed for Logan's apartment. 

If I'm lucky, I'll be there before he is.

Rival Hearts (the eBook) is free on Amazon right now until Thursday. Healing Hearts (Trent and Emily's book) just came out on Friday. It's in KU for anyone who also reads there.  

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