Colliding Love - Tucker Billi...

It's killing me to be around her and not be with her. Every glance, every touch causes me to lock down my inner and outer feelings. Being around her isn't easy anymore; it's really fucking hard. We're back to pretending that the sexual tension isn't there, isn't almost all consuming, when we both know better. Confronting our feelings seemed like a good idea, but it's only made ignoring them now even more tense and artificial. Before I knew for sure she felt the same way, being around her was actually easier, even though I thought it wasn't possible for it to be any harder at the time.

After another month of games and practices and training, with me playing like I'm on fire on home ice and like I've been given hypothermia at away games, my rioting emotions are starting to culminate in stupid penalties and fights on the ice that I shouldn't be having. After the first year in the league, I got my temper under control. Or at least mostly under control. The tools I used to use to keep that anger in check seem to be malfunctioning.

"We're going for a drink," Auston tells me after our third away game in a row results in another loss and a ten minute misconduct penalty—my first. "Radek, we're taking Bishop for a drink and a chat."

"Yes, we are," Radek agrees from across the dressing room. "We have one more away game this run, and this bullshit needs put on ice."

"Nice pun," I say, stuffing the last of my equipment into my bag.

"Shitty playing," he counters.

"Yeah, yeah," I say, as though I don't care when I do—a lot.

"It's not "yeah, yeah"," Radek says. "Our away games are stacked like this all season. You can't play like a superstar at home and play like a trashcan on the road."

"Usually we say "dumpster fire"," Auston says, "but the idea of Bishop skating while in the shape of a trashcan is not terrible."

Part of my roller-coaster playing is the stark difference between our overly enthusiastic home crowd and the away fans treating us like garbage. But I know that the other part of my mental game that's suffering is tied to Sawyer. She's in my head when she shouldn't be, and that's not normal.

When we slide into a booth at the pub attached to our hotel, I order water while the other two get beer.

"It's not just the crowd," Auston says.

"No," I agree. "It's not."

"We all want the same thing here, man. Bellerive might not have been our first choice, but it's a fresh start. If you lose your shit during every away game, we're going to tank the season. Nobody wins anything like that. So, what's rubbing you the wrong way?"

"I suspect," Radek says with a grin, "it's not what but who, and it's that she's not rubbing him at all." He gives me an exaggerated wink.

"Fuck off," I mutter.

"It's about Doc, isn't it?" Radek says.

"I talked to her. You said I should talk to her, and I did. But we want different things."

"How so?" Auston asks.

"She wants a short-term casual whatever, and I can't do that."

"Why not?" Radek asks. "That's what we talked about. A tiny relationship."

"I can't do relationships with a ticking clock. All the foster care bullshit just rears its head. It'll fuck me up."

"And you're not already fucked up?" Radek asks, incredulous. "If you're on the bench—"

"I know. You're not in the game. I know."

"No relationships have any sort of guarantee," Auston says.

"Right. Which is why I tend to avoid them," I say. "She wants some kind of friends with benefits arrangement."

"Ten years older than you and hotter than hell. I'd take that," Radek says.

"If you keep talking like that about her, my next misconduct will be against my own team member."

Radek chuckles and sips his beer. None of this is fucking funny to me.

"Is it the ticking clock," Auston asks, "or are you afraid what you have with her will be screwed up beyond repair with this casual idea and you'll lose her?"

I tip up my water, and I let his words sink in while I take a few gulps. It's possible that uncertainty is a big part of my issue. Without a doubt, I genuinely like her and care about her. In a lot of ways, she's become the closest person to me on the island outside my teammates. Losing her would blast a hole in my life.

"Maybe," I admit.

Then Auston and Radek take turns grilling me on all the conversations Sawyer and I have had until I'm feeling less certain and more confused again.

"To me," Auston says, "her idea does make sense. You have a clear start and finish. You don't get in too deep. Should be easy enough to go back to where you're at now."

"I'm on Bishop's side," Radek says. "Sex can fuck with feelings quickly. The season is long. I think a shorter timeline is right."

"That's not what I said," I say. "I don't want any timeline. See where things go."

"Oh no," Radek says, "that's a bad idea. Someone will definitely get hurt. That's real dating. You don't want that with her."

"I think I do, actually."

"But she doesn't. If you still want her in her life after the two of you are done fucking around, you need the parameters she's setting," Auston says again. "Relationships that linger past their expiry date—that's when people start to resent each other, or they want more than the other person can give. Stamp a date on it. Stick to it. Nice and simple. Your head and heart know where you stand. No uncertainty."

"What are you more likely to regret," Radek asks, as though it's simple, "getting a shift on ice with her, or watching her play the game with other guys while you sit on the bench?"

"That's a terrible comparison." That works better than I'd ever admit. The idea of her being with anyone else makes my gut clench. "I don't like the set timeline."

"If you're always waiting for the ideal circumstances, you'll die alone," Auston says. "You want her, and it sounds like she wants you. The season's not even at the half-way point. Lots of time. That ticking clock is pretty fucking faint at this point."

He's right. While my instincts, which I always try to listen to, are pretty convinced a few months with her won't be enough, my head also knows that I'm not in position to offer anyone kids and marriage. We want different things, and holding her back is wrong.

I'm just not sure if going heart first into a temporary arrangement, when I'm not sure I'll be able to let go easily, is right either. It feels like my head and my heart are on a collision course, and I've got no idea whether I'll hit the ice or remain standing. 

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