Love & All Things Broken

***Note: This chapter includes references to past trauma and emotional recovery. Sensitive themes are handled with care, but please take your time if needed.

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The house quiet. Different. There was a new sort of stillness in the air—with Macy upstairs permanently. Things had shifted, and I knew it was for the better.

We'd spent the evening getting her settled. We brought in a nightlight because she was scared to sleep in the dark—that was new, and clearly related to the circumstances

"Can we paint this weekend?" she'd asked as I set a water glass on her nightstand.

"You want to paint your room?"

"Yeah. Well, the pink was okay because I wasn't here every day, but I'm older now and thought it would be cool to have something different, like—I dunno ..." her voice trailed off at the ened.

"We can paint if you like, but I don't know about this weekend. Why don't we see how your feeling? We'll have to go to the store, pick out some colors, get some samples and try them out. It can be a big job—and you're still recovering. I don't want you to overdo it, okay?" I'd said, smoothing her hair back from her forehead.

"I feel fine. My arm doesn't even hurt anymore."

But exhaustion was written all over her face as she fought sleep. She was clearly worn out. She'd been through a major trauma, and it wasn't over yet.

Caden and I both planned to take the rest of the week off of work to stay with her and look after her. I'm pretty grateful Mass has such robust leave laws that give me time, with pay, to stay home with her and make sure she's okay. Caden could do some work from home, reviewing new contract bids.

"Okay, well, we'll talk more this week. Sleep tight, sweetheart," I whispered, kissing her forehead. "We're right down the hall if you need anything. I'll convince your dad to do pancakes in the morning, sound good?"

In response, she whispered, "paaaaaaaaaancakes!" I laughed quietly given that her eyes were closed and she was inches away from sleep, yet pancakes could elicit a smile and excitement from her.

Now Caden and I were finally alone in our bedroom for the first time since before I went to Miami. It felt strange, and I was actually nervous—like we were both trying to remember how to be a couple. So much had happened.

"She seems to be adjusting well," Caden said, sitting on the edge of the bed to pull off his socks.

"She does. I didn't know what to expect, honestly." I was brushing my hair, watching him in the mirror. "I have to wonder how long she's been dealing with things at home and kept quiet. Like was Jessica like this for a while? Was this spiral new?"

"It's a good question. I'm hoping a counselor can help her with whatever she's feeling, and if it's been more long term than we realized, they can help her cope. The doctor did say kids are resilient and can sometimes do really well right after a trauma but to watch for delayed reactions, right? "

"It's true. Said she could have nightmares, too."

Caden stood up and walked over behind me, his arms settling around my shoulders as he put his chin on my left shoulder. Quietly, he said, "and what about you? How are you doing with all this?"

I leaned back against him, closing my eyes. "Honestly? Terrified I'm going to mess it up. Scared we're going to fall apart. Worried that I won't be enough for her. She's never been here full time, you know?"

"Firstly, we are going to work on us—I won't fall back into old habits, and I already put calls out to the therapists we looked at to see who has availability."

"Really?"

"Really."

I looked at him in the mirror—locking eyes. "Thank you. I'm glad we aren't getting lost in everything."

"Honey, we may have a lot going on around us, but I am committed to making sure I never lose sight of you and what we have—ever again."

I turned my head, brushing my lips across his. I felt his arms move from my shoulders to wrap around my waist. He deepened our kiss, passion pouring from him—and I matched it. It was a war of hunger and desire wrapped around the conclusion of fear and anxiety we'd been fighting for the last two days. It was every emotion we'd been carrying—anger, love, worry, joy. Fire, and ice, clashing and melting at the same time. Everything was in this moment.

Breathing heavy, Caden pulled back first. "We need to stop. You asked for us to reconnect, but no sex. We keep this up, well, you and I both know the idea of stopping will be a distant memory for us both.

Panting, I responded, "shit, you're right. I know, you're right. It sucks—it was my rule, but I think we both know fun in the bedroom was never an issue for us—it was everything else. So, yeah, you're right."

He responded, "We're right."

I smiled, leaned in and laid my cheek against his chest. After a minute I stepped back, told him I would get ready for bed, and headed into the bathroom to wash up and dress in my least sexy pajamas possible—we're talking full length pants and long-sleeved top, zero cinching, extra baggy.

I walked back into the bedroom to find Caden walking in from the other side at the same time. He told me, "I did the rounds, made sure everything was locked up, and I set the alarm."

I don't know why, but I was comforted by that more than usual. He always does the last walk-around—it's routine for us. But tonight, it felt a thousand times more soothing on my nerves than normal.

I climbed into bed, wrapping myself in all the layers. I like to be warm when I sleep, so layers are my best friend. Caden likes to be cold, so we are perfect at sleeping together—by morning he'll have kicked the covers off and I'll have stolen all of them to burrow into my cocoon.

He made his way to the other side and under the covers. Pulling me close, he nuzzled his face into the side of my neck—making me giggle. This. This feeling and this moment—I wish I could stop time right here. Our breathing evened out as we both fell into a comfortable quiet. Soon, I felt myself drifting off, safe in Caden's arms. I sensed him doing the same. Glad Caden was never a snorer, I contented myself in the feel of his body heat warming me down to my soul, and allowed my dreams to take me.

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A blood curdling scream rocked my world and ripped me out of my sleep. Glancing around, the room was silent and pitch black except for the Echo where I could see the time in dim blue showing it was 3 a.m. My heart was pounding and Caden was sitting up now too.

"What happened?" he said.

"I don't know. Maybe I had a dream? I could swear I heard screaming, but now I don't know if it was me or if I actually heard it—everything's so quiet. I want to go check on Macy." Just then, the scream happened again—it was Macy, and I hadn't dreamt it. That scream was very real.

Caden and I rushed to her room, Caden turned the hall light on as he passed it. The night light in her room added enough lighting to see her clearly. I ran to her bedside and dropped down to my knees. She was thrashing and whimpering, her movements putting her arm at risk of getting hit against the nightstand. I firmly grabbed her shoulders, at least to stop her from hurting herself.

"Macy. Macy. We're here." Caden was on the other side of her bed brushing her hair back from her face.

"Honey, wake up. Can you hear us? Wake up."

Her body movements started to slow and her eyes began to open. She jolted awake—covered in sweat and holding her cast as if her arm was broken all over again.

"No, no, it's okay. It's just us," I said, putting my hand on the other side of her head to gently hold it.

She was crying, tears running down her face.

"I—I was back in the room and Mom was falling on me again. I swear I felt my arm break again." She started to sob and I climbed in bed with her, engulfing her in my embrace—careful of her arm.

Caden was shaking. He looked at me, I nodded, and he said, "I'm going to go get her some Tylenol and warm milk. She loves the milk, maybe it will help."

"Good. Good. Yeah, good idea," I responded.

Making soothing sounds as I rocked her, I felt myself tearing up with her as she sobbed. How to help a little girl who went through everything she experienced. How we got here, was beyond me.

I felt her body start to relax and her sobbing ease just as Caden returned with her milk and meds. They gave her prescription strength acetaminophen for her pain which she took without complaint.

Holding her mug of milk close to her, she said, "thanks, Daddy."

Leaning his head into hers, he kissed her forehead and said, "you're welcome, honey. Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah. A little."

"Okay good. You want me to stay the night with you in here?"

"Yeah—would you both stay with me?"

We looked at the twin bed and I responded, "I'm not sure we'd both fit with you, honey."

"Oh... yeah, I guess you're right."

"Why don't we have a slumber party," Caden said. "I can throw some blankets on the floor next to your bed. You and Felicity can share the bed together and I'll sleep right next to you. How does that sound?"

She looked over the edge, as if on a ship and needing to make sure the waters were calm. Glancing at her father Macy nodded, "okay, yeah—that'll work."

"Okay, good. Your dad can grab the blankets and I'll go help with the pillows. You'll be okay for a minute?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay. Thanks Felicity," she said—a small smile starting to blossom on her face.

Caden and I walked back into our room.

"Damn, that was terrifying," he quietly mumbled.

"Tell me about it. Let's get our stuff and get back in there."

I approached the bed and pulled the pillows off, looking at them I noticed there were different cases on them. "Caden?"

"Yeah?"

Holding up the pillow from my side, I asked, "is this the pillow from the guest room that I was using?"

"Oh—um," he cleared his throat. Rubbing the back of his neck, he was looking down and, I swear he was red from his cheeks down past his neck. "Yeah. So, I grabbed the one from the guest room while you were in Miami," he said. "It still smelled like you. I actually wondered if you noticed it missing," he laughed lightly with his response, embarrassment written all over his features.

"I didn't." I looked at the bed, the pillows, and then back to him. I was touched. I felt my eyes start to water. It meant something to me that he needed me in here with him—that he missed me.

I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face in his chest. Still holding both of the pillows, one in each hand, they rounded to his back. I mumbled into his chest, "I missed you too," I whispered. "Every night."

We brought the pillows and the extra blankets from the closet, creating a makeshift bed on Macy's floor. It wasn't the most comfortable arrangement, but as we all got settled into our respective spots—Macy curled up against me in her twin bed, Caden stretched out below us—it felt right.

"This is nice," Macy said sleepily, her voice already getting heavy again. "Like camping, but inside."

"Yeah, it is," I agreed, stroking her hair. "You feeling better, sweetheart?"

"Mmhmm. Thanks for staying."

"Always," I whispered. "We'll always stay when you need us."

Within minutes, her breathing had evened out into the deep rhythm of sleep. I lay there listening to both of them—Macy's soft breaths above, Caden's steady breathing from the floor. My family. Our family.

"Felicity?" Caden's voice was barely a whisper.

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

The house settled around us, quiet and peaceful.

As I drifted back to sleep with Macy's small hand tucked in mine and Caden's presence steady beside us, I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time: complete peace. We were exactly where we belonged.

Tomorrow will bring its own challenges—therapy appointments to make, routines to establish, the ongoing legal situation with Jessica, and collecting her belongings from her mom and Brad's house. But tonight, we were together. Safe. Healing.

All of us.