Gunaah

I always believed I had no luck in life. If I did I wouldn't have had to live the way I did. Whatever happened to me wouldn't have happened. At least some of the wrong would've left my life. Some tragedy would've been avoided.

But that didn't happen. I'm still the same unlucky person I was before. Only my tragedies now extend to my husband too. He still wasn't okay when I left. He was still silently lying on the bed. I think he is angry with me, and that would be okay.

I deserve it.
~~~~~~

Twelve hours ago

I sit on the hospital chair, waiting for the doctor, or someone to come out and say something. Tell me he is okay. Tell me that everything I saw was just a nightmare. That I didn't fail.

That sickening crack when his head hit the marble will forever be embedded in my nightmares to haunt me. What kind of a person am I?! What kind of a wife am I?!

Even my reflex wasn't to reach out to him. Am I more scared of touch than losing him? No, no I'm not. I just haven't reached out to anyone in so long. The back of my eyes burn. I'm in tears, I'm tired, broken, scared. I'm everything wrong and the only person who can make it right isn't here.

He is stuck to a bed. He is... he is not okay. "This is all your doing." I slowly drag my eyes up. Cassandra points an accusing finger at me. "It's all your fault! You were the one blaming him on top of the stairs! You didn't even reach out to catch him when he fell!"

Her mother hold her arm and tries to pull her away. "Stop it Cassie. She is his wife, you can't accuse he-"

"What wife mamma?!" She pushes away from her mother's hold. Her face has turned red from all the crying. I always knew she didn't like me. But I see it today. It's because she loves him. She wants Harold for herself but I'm in her way.

Maybe she accepted her fate and decided to let the two of us just live but I put his life in danger. I'm not worth it. "What kind of a wife just lets her husband fall? What kind of a wife hurts her own husband?! The husband who has done nothing but support her?!

You wanted to be the duchess, didn't you? Was that all you cared about?! Is he not a person to you?! Just a title?!"

"Stop it Cassie!" Her mother yells again. Telling her to keep quiet but she doesn't listen. "Tell me, when he fell, why didn't your hand reach out? Are you that scared of your own husband's touch that you'd rather watch him die?!"

"Enough!" My mother in law says. She just came out of the doctor's office and I cannot believe she is still not blaming me. "Watch how you speak Cassandra. Inayat is Harold's wife. She is my daughter and the lady of the house you work in."

"What wrong did she say?" He never liked me, so I don't feel worse when my father in law doesn't defend me. "Harold is in a hospital because rather than being an adult, this girl decided to yell at him in front of the whole house.

On top of the stairs nonetheless. Do you not care about your son?" He asks mum. "Why aren't you understanding that this girl is not good for him. Tell me one good thing that has happened since she came into our house?

She doesn't even treat him like her husband and now he is on his deathbed because of her!"

"Nicholas!"

"What?!" My in laws glare and yell but I don't listen. What does he mean deathbed? What does he fucking mean?!!!

I stand up on shaky legs, holding the metal chair for support to stand up straight before walking towards my father in law. "Wha- what do you mean?"

He looks at me with such disdain, I would've crumbled if I wasn't so desperate. "What do you mean?!" I scream. "What do you mean deathbed?! What is happening?!"

Cassandra tusks. "What do you think is happening?! He is suffering because of you!" I ignore her. I don't care about whatever she has to say. She can taunt me all she wants. All I care about is Harold.

His mother lets a tear fall. "His skull is fractured." A tear falls down my eye as mum tells me more. "A fragment hit his brain and there is internal bleeding and brain damage. The blood we saw... it was absolutely nothing compared to what we couldn't see."

She breaks into a sob. Brain damage. He has brain damage because I didn't reach out and hold his hand. "He is in a coma." His father says. "And it's all your fucking fault!"

"Nich-" mum starts but I cut her off. "Can I see him?" I ask her. My father in law objects but mum shuts him off and leads me to him. She even lets me enter the room he is in.

A thick bandage covers the top of his head, machines are hooked to his body, IV drips and a blood bag attached to his arms. A sob breaks free straight from my chest.

Machines are keeping him alive. He doesn't look like him. This is not the man I met and married. I sit on the stool beside him, letting my hand hover over his cheek.

"I am sorry, Harold. I am so so sorry." I cry. "I wanted you to love me so much I didn't realise that I could only expect from you what I was willing to give.

I blamed you so much for having a life before me, for being in love with someone else that I forgot that we all have a past. I do too, and I didn't share mine either.

I am scared Harold. I'm scared I've done something I don't know how to come back from. I'm scared that when you wake up you will not look at me the same. I won't blame you. I wouldn't even blame you if you decide to not look at me at all.

But I've learned my lesson." I sniff, wiping my tears. "Nothing those people outside said is wrong, nothing is a lie. I- I made a mistake. I didn't reach out and I lost you.

I'll pay for it Harold. Everyone pays for all they do and I hold myself responsible for what happened to you. The next time I see you, I want to be a different person."

I let my hand fall next to his. So close yet so far apart. "I love you, Harry. Even if you never love me back, I'll still love you and I want to be a different person when you see me again. When you choose to see me again.

I want to hold your hand. I want to hug you, touch you and- and hold you. I want to do so much and I don't want the word 'can't' to stop me anymore.

I wish I get to see you again. I wish, I get to hold you one day."

I step out of his room, glancing at him one last time before turning and stepping out. Mum is fighting her husband, telling him to stop blaming me for everything when I step in.

"He is right, mum. It is my fault. It is all my fault." Mum shakes her head and opens her mouth to console me but I step away. "It's all my fault." My hands shake. "How will I ever look at myself without seeing his blood on me?"

I take another step back. "Tell him I'm sorry." I say. "Tell him I'm really sorry and tell him I made a mistake." I watch mum frown before I turn around and walk out. I can't stay here. I can't breathe knowing I'm the reason Harold is in pain.

~~~~~~

Present

I had nowhere to go. After I married him, he was my home. Now I'm just a wanderer with no place of my own. So I ran to the only place I knew. India. I have no good memories of this country but it is all I know of.

So here I am, sitting at the airport with a small suitcase. I had nothing when I met him, and so I only brought things that are extremely necessary.

But now what? Where do I go from here? I have no place in this world. No place to call my own. No one-

"I-Inayat? My god, Inayat!" I look around at the voice before facing the woman who brought me into this world. "Ammi." My hold on the suitcase tightens, that old feeling of anxiety climbing up my spine.

I wanted a place to belong to but not the prison I escaped. Not that. My mother walks closer, almost running. I step away when she tries to hug me. Her hurt is clear on her face but I stand still in my resolve.

For years I let everyone walk all over me because I didn't speak up. I couldn't push them away when I needed to.

But I put up a boundary in front of my husband and he never questioned it. Never said a word when he had the right to question me, he kept quiet so everyone else will too.

"Don't touch me." I tell her. "Inayat? I'm your mother, beta." She thinks I don't remember her. She is worried I've forgotten. I wish I had. I wish I had forgotten the past I had so I wouldn't have this stupid fear and Harold would be okay right now.

"I know who you are. But I still don't want to be touched ammi." She hastily wipes her tears. "Okay. Okay, whatever you say. At least you're back. Do you know how worried I was?! How worried your father was?! We thought something happened to you!

We heard so many stories about that island after you disappeared, I thought something happened to you! We looked everywhere Inu, you have no idea how desperately your father and I tried to find you. And we came back empty handed every time. We were so worried!"

I watch her cry and I know she needs to touch me to know that I'm actually here and not just an illusion but I don't relent. If I didn't touch my husband because I was scared, I wouldn't touch anyone.

"I'm fine now." I hope she believes my lies but even I don't believe them. "Come home." She says. "Your father would be so happy to see you. I was just going back home after giving my prayers here. I just wanted to find you. I'm so happy god listened.

Even Akeeb would be so relieved. He moved to Canada after your disappearance. I'll call him back-"

"He shouldn't know." I warn. "I'll go with you if he doesn't return." My mother stands stunned. "What?"

"I don't want him to know I'm back."

"But- but you two were so close. You were about to get married." I would've never married that man. I ran away because I would rather get lost in a dangerous place than marry him.

I'd rather drink acid than ever see his face. My parents loved him. He was the poor orphan they took care of because he was my father's dead friend's son.

But I know the real him. He is anything but a poor little thing. He is the fucking monster I had to grow up with and I would not let my life be dictated by him anymore. Or anyone for that matter.

"If you want me to stay with you, you'll have to choose. Me or him? Choose him and I'll leave, choose me and make sure he never shows me his face. If I see him again, I'll leave.

I've done that before, I'll do it again. I'll run away and this time I'll make sure you never find me."

~~~~~~