Love & All Things Broken

Cash picked up on the second ring. "You alive or what?"

His voice was still half-asleep, a low growl that told me I'd woken him up. It was almost 10:00AM on a Saturday! I could practically hear the scratch of stubble as he rubbed his face.

"I need to talk," I said. "Got a minute?"

There was a pause. An aggrieved sigh. Then a rustle of sheets. "Hang on, lemme get coffee. If you're calling me before noon on a Saturday, shit must be serious."

I waited. Pacing. Trying not to second-guess this.

A minute later he was back. "Alright, shoot."

I let out a long breath. "So... I fucked up. With Felicity."

"Bro. What do you mean fucked up? Like you cheated on her?"

"What?! Jesus! No! What the fuck? Why would you go there?"

He blew out a breath. "Well, you said you fucked up. That's the biggest fuck up there is. So then, what did you do? Forget her birthday or something?

I was silent on my side of the line. How did he guess that?

"No man. No way. You didn't."

"Fuck! Yes. I did. I seriously did."

"Caden. Jesus. I'm telling mom."

"Shut up man. Mom knowing is the least of my issues. Listen! I'm calling for help. It's more than just her birthday. I've kinda been absentee for a while now. Work got to me. I failed to really pay attention to her and to focus on our relationship. I'm at a point now where I'll be lucky if she gives me the chance to win her back. I'm not shitting you man. It's bad."

He sighed. "Damn Caden. I'm really sorry. We love Felicity. She's incredible. I hate that this is happening. So, yeah man. I'll help you with whatever. What can I do?"

"To start with, she's in Miami for her birthday. Alone."

He was quiet. Letting me talk.

So I told him everything. About the purse. The note. The fight. Her leaving. Macy's tears. The gifts that Jessica had been getting all these years now, the fact that I've forgotten anniversaries, birthdays, you name it. I put it all out there for him to hear. It was hard having to vocalize everything. To hear my own words tell someone how much of an asshole I've been."

When I finished, he whistled. "Damn. You've been busy screwing up, huh?"

"Yeah. I can't even blame her for leaving."

"Look, I could roast you, but you already did that yourself. So I'll say this instead: she didn't leave because she stopped loving you. She left because she stopped feeling loved by you. There's a difference."

That hit harder than I expected. I sat with it.

"You want her back?" he asked.

"More than anything. But I don't want to just win her back. I want to be better. For her. For Macy. For myself."

"Then do the work. Don't half-ass it with flowers and a 'my bad.' You've got to show her you see her again. You remember her. What she loves. What makes her laugh. What made her fall for you in the first place."

I rubbed a hand over my face. "That's what I'm trying to figure out."

"Start by listening. You've got a kid who's sharper than both of us combined, and she loves Felicity. You've got mom who can help remind you of things but also give you some perspective that we can't give you. Start using your resources and stop trying to go it alone."

I smiled. "Yeah. I do have an incredible family. Man, I'm so sorry. I know me being absentee recently isn't just impacting her. I realize I haven't been around for you all too. I need to figure out where I went wrong and why. I feel awful."

"Good. You should."

"Thanks, man."

"Seriously though. Caden, you should try and figure out why it was so easy to just forget about everything and everyone for the sake of your job. It's not like you were sneaking out and drinking. It's not like you were having an affair. You threw yourself into work and just disappeared. People don't just do that for no reason. So figure that out while you're at it."

"I know." I sighed. "Thank you man. I appreciate you being there for me."

"Anytime. Now go fix your shit. Do something that will mean something to her."

After we hung up, I sat in the kitchen for a few minutes, letting it all sink in. The ache was still there—raw and heavy—but I felt less stuck. I had direction now.

I walked over to the room where she had been staying. The bed was still made, except the pillow I had stolen. She had a duffel bag sitting off in the corner. I knelt down and gently opened it, folding the clothes she left behind and placing them in neat stacks on the bed. Not because they needed organizing. Because it felt like a small way to care for her.

Next, I made a list. A real, handwritten one of the things I needed to do before she comes home. First thing to get done— Clean the house top to bottom.

Macy wandered in while I was sweeping the entryway later that afternoon.

"What are you doing?" she asked, holding an iced lemonade as she watched me with confusion spread across her face.

I wiped sweat off my brow. "Just trying to make the place as clean as I can before Felicity comes home."

She nodded. "Good. Because you're gross."

"Hey!"

"Dad, your used socks are on the back of the couch. I don't know how Felicity puts up with you. Boys are really gross if they are all like you."

"You just keep thinking that because you're right ... all boys are exactly like that. They fart, and the smell, make awful noises. They leave their socks everywhere and did I mention they definitely smell?"

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "Yeah dad, I think you mentioned that one a couple times."

"I'm looking forward to Felicity coming back. She is coming back... right dad?"

"Yes sweetheart, she's coming back. She said so. And I'm looking forward to her coming home too." I reached over and tried to give her a hug but she stepped back and squeezed her nose between her thumb and forefinger."

"Dad! Don't! You stink!"

Laughing I pulled away. "Fine. Well, will you be ready in an hour to go take care of Felicity's surprise?"

"I'm ready now! You're the one who's all sweaty and smelly. I'm not getting in the car with you until you shower dad."

I laughed. "Okay, yeah. I'll shower. Then we can head out and make sure her surprise is perfect."