Healing Draco Malfoy

Chapter 61

Published: August 31st, 2023

"Blaise is fucking lying," was the first sentence in Draco's journal. It was followed by a few choice swear words.

Harry still wasn't eager to read his diary. He had tossed and turned all night about the decision. In the morning, Ron and Hermione were eyeing him like he might explode... or fall apart. Harry wasn't sure which one was worse, but he was strangely numb. He wasn't at all worried about the headlines or what people were speculating. The mystery of the diary was enough to pull his attention.

He told Ron and Hermione that he had to go home and didn't wait for them to approve. He got the diary out of his safe hiding spot under the floorboards in his room. Then he returned to Ron and Hermione's, lest he mess up the Locking Charms on it. He told them that he was going to relax and locked himself in his room. Rose and Hugo were still at their grandparents' house.

It took several minutes of emotional wrangling until he decided to unlock the journal. He carefully opened the book and read Draco's first line. Not exactly inspiring him to read further. There could be things Blaise didn't want him to know either. But he picked it back up, unable to let his curiosity die. Through the next lines... paragraphs... pages... he buried himself in Draco's confusing and unorganized thoughts.

Blaise gave me this for Christmas... he has one, too, and he said that he doesn't have to worry about anyone reading it. Is it really safe to write my deepest secrets in here?

Well, Pansy is definitely hexed blind from reading this. Lucky for her, I just have to touch her to release the curse. So... Blaise is not lying.

He also said that this book will only let me write the truth. Or at least my truth. I can't lie to myself, apparently. How about that... the truth?

Pansy's a ni- what? I can't write "nice"? Fine. Pansy's an annoying bint and can't keep her nose out of other people's things.

Huh, maybe Blaise isn't lying about that the truth thing, either?

Vince is a blundering fool and can't form a single intelligent thought on his own. Greg is an overbearing meathead who would turn on me the second it suited him. Vince would too.

Huh... that's my truth. Blaise said that it didn't necessarily mean it is the truth... it's what I feel. Apparently... I feel like my friends and my betrothed are gold-digging whores. Huh. What about Blaise? He's not a gold-digging whore. He gave me this journal or diary or whatever. He must either want something or does like me. I must find out. Now... time to find my truth on the rest of my house.

Harry snorted as Draco spent pages analyzing "his truth". Harry didn't care that Millicent was a closeted lesbian who persecuted other lesbians, but it was interesting to read as Draco deftly lay bare his house's secrets in his own derisive words. But on page 10, his ramblings turned toward his parents.

My mother loves me. I love her. Well, that's a good truth. My father... lo-

My father doesn't love me. He loves... power... fame... and fortune. Mother and I are just ways to achieve that.

I lo-

I ha-

Well, I don't love or hate my father. That's rather... bleak. I just want him to... accept me... love me. Is it so hard? Just because I'm not as smart as Granger? He just can't let that go. Fuck... it hurt so bad when he got the results. It's not my fault!

It's Gran- WTF? It's Gran- why can't I write it? Granger... she... it's her fa- WHAT THE FUCK! If it's not her fault? Who's is it? The teachers? Right... rhetorical question. Fine. It's the teacher's fa- Then who brain!? Who's left if it isn't me, her, or the asshole teachers? Am I supposed to blame society? Fuck you, diary!

Harry grimaced when he read that, though the answer should be obvious. He hadn't figured out yet when Draco wrote this diary, as there were no dates, but Draco was clearly going through a change. That was the last thing Draco wrote on that page. Harry turned to the next one, and his eyes widened at Draco's first words on the new page.

It's my father's fault. Even my unconscious knows that. I don't deserve to be hurt.

I don't deserve to be hurt. ~~~~~

Harry blinked as those words bore into him. He felt a little proud that Draco had come to that conclusion.

I could have tried harder, but I don't think that would have mattered. He blamed me for everything. Losing Dobby, his board position, even the damned chicken-horse flying off. How was that my fault? Course, he was mad that I had "let" myself be hurt in public. Fuck you, dad. It fucking hurt. Madam Pomfrey said that I almost lost my arm. That damned idiot Hagrid might have warned us that the chickens understood fucking English.

Harry grimaced at the dig to Hagrid, but Harry didn't expect Buckbeak to slash Malfoy either. But he had figured out when Draco got the diary. It was during their third year.

It's nearly time to go home for the summer. I know that he's going to be pissed. I've already "earned" enough for days of... punishment. He's already pissed about the chicken, but I didn't improve my grades either. My father wants me to rule Slytherin House, but still study hard enough to beat Granger? What's more important, Dad! I can't do everything. I can't do anything.

Fucking hell, he's going to flay me alive for losing to Potter again. Perfect Potter just had to get the Snitch at the last fucking second. Couldn't give me one thing, could he? Fucking bastard.

Harry wondered when he would come up, but to hear that his victory over Draco had caused him pain, was terrifying to think about.

The thing is that I had the Snitch! and he just came out of nowhere on his fucking Nimbus! Damn, that fucker can fly. Nothing like my teammates. He's a natural. I've never flown with anyone like him. All those trainers and ex-quidditch players that Father hired had nothing on Potter. Bloody hell... it was a match. Fuck... it's almost time to go home. What the hell am I going to tell my father?

He put down the diary and tried to put himself in Draco's shoes. It was the end of the third year... he was thirteen... no fourteen... and facing torture. He knew that Draco's abuse started before the war. Draco had already experienced it... at least since their second year. Draco also had several childhood injuries, but the Cruciatus didn't start until he was roughly thirteen. Fuck Lucius. Draco didn't answer himself... at least on paper.

Should I burn this? If my father finds this, he'll kill me. Blaise said that it was nearly impossible to break into it. I should come up with some extra spells before I can't cast magic anymore.

I found one that's like a Notice-Me-Not charm. Anyone who wants to harm me can't even see it. No one can see it if they want to use this against me. I think it will be enough... hopefully.

Harry's eyes stung a bit. It was why McGrath or even the Aurors didn't find it in their sweep of Draco's house. But the next page was written in shaky letters.

Father was pissed. It's hard to walk and talk. He kept me for two weeks in the basement. Fucking hell... How could he do that? I'm his son... his only son. He only cares how I make him look. Mother tried to stop him, but he hurt her, too. If only I had been a little faster to the Snitch, then Father wouldn't have h- fuck you, diary. He would have still hurt me. He likes it. I just have to... not set him off.

Merlin, Draco wrote almost daily instances of Lucius's "corrective" punishments. Crucio wasn't the only thing he did to Draco. He used Imperius, too. Draco had to endure months of agonizing punishments for things like clinging his fork too loudly or not being more social at Lucius's parties. Then he found his name, again.

I saw Potter today. Father got tickets to the World Cup, the Top Box, to show the peons that he was best. He warned me not to embarrass him because he had to pay a lot of Galleons for the seats. I love Quidditch... but I don't like watching it. I want to be the one flying... like when it was me and Potter. Potter and the Weasleys somehow got tickets, too. Yes! It was a slap in the face to my father, though I was sure not to let that show.

Potter was enjoying it, and I was enjoying watching him. What? Where did that come from, brain? Wow. Why would I enjoy it? Anyway, later, Potter shows up near where my father and his drunk minions are fire-blasting tents. The idiot Gryffindor was like your parents are out there! Yeah... my father only threatened me with two more weeks in the basement if I moved from that spot. Potter is a bas- really? What is he then? A hero? Potter is a hero. Huh. Too bad he can't save me. Too busy saving redheads and mudbl-muggleborns. Maybe he could save me? Or damn me.

Father is really quiet about the Dark Mark in the sky. His minions didn't do it, but he's fretting about who did. He told me to up my game and be an influential figure. Ensure that no one doubts my loyalty to him... and the Dark Lord. Isn't he dead? But I know that doesn't matter for my father. I must be an unreproachable asshole like him. Fucker.

Harry grimaced at seeing Draco's life from his perspective. He thought of him as a hero at fourteen, and he was trapped. Who could Draco have turned to for help? No one noticed how abused he was. Of course, no one really noticed how much the Dursleys had hurt him, either.

I'm happy I'm back at school. The Triwizard Tournament is coming here. My father told me to build connections with Durmstang. He wants to increase his international reach. Okay, sure, Father.

Potter's the fourth champion. What the fuck? Man, his eyes were huge and astonished. He definitely didn't do it. Potter's not that good of an actor. But the Slytherins want to roost him alive and I must play along. Besides, I like it when Potter pays attention to me. What? I do? Well, he definitely won't take any shit, unlike my sycophants and he's... unbelievable. The way he flies and fights... I could watch him all day.

That time in duel club was...exhilarating. It was nice to face off with an equal. He'll defend anyone. I swear even ghosts, if I dare mention anything untoward. He's perfect to go against, cause I can't hurt him, like the others. Well... we'll see how far I can push him.

Ha! The Potter badges worked perfectly! Potter glares at me all the time.

Holy fucking Merlin! Potter can fly! He faced a dragon... a live, fire-breathing dragon. The stuff of legends! and Potter just flew circles around its head like it was nothing. It was amazing to see. He's amazing. Potter's simply a natural. I want to fly with him, again. I wish... I could have been his friend. I wish I hadn't been an absolute prick to him. I mean... he's a Gryffindor. I can't be friends with his sort. My father would have killed me. My friends will sell me out. Maybe one day... Potter will see it... will swoop on that broomstick and rescue me. Potter wouldn't sell me out. Potter wouldn't torture me. Potter would stop my father.

Am I in love with him?

Am I in love with him? Harry repeated in his head. Fourteen-year-old Draco had a crush on him... and knew he would have saved him... if he had only known. How he wished he had seen Draco's suffering, but he remembered the swirl of stress, terror and depression he had faced that year. He couldn't see past his own issues. Am I in love with him? Draco wrote, not writing it out directly. The diary let him question his beliefs, but not write them as statements. Draco usually affirmed his guesses after the question. He must have been unsure to write such an honest statement.

Knock. Knock. Sounded on the door, and Harry was taken out of his thoughts into the present.

"What?"

"Harry? Are you okay?" Hermione asked through the door.

He shut Draco's book and stashed it into his robes. He unlocked and opened the door. "I'm fine."

"We were just going to get the kids... do you want to come?"

"No... I need to... do something. I'll be back..." he muttered, walking past her to the front door. He didn't want anymore interruptions.

"Harry?" she called after him.

"I'm fine. I promise. I just want to be alone for a bit, please," he said and she nodded.

He Apparated at the boundary of Bill's house on the water. They should still be gone on vacation. He conjured a bench and sat down, plunging himself into the diary. Draco left that statement hanging, and went on about getting him to notice him. He smirked as he read page after page of Draco's attempts to rile him up, his views on his mindless followers and Harry, and how he rallied his house behind him.

Fourth year was like a prelude to the fifth, where Draco spent his days actively stalking him. Like worse than he had stalked Draco during their six-year. He knew about the detentions, what Umbridge did to him and lamented that he couldn't help him. He was actually pissed that Umbridge kicked him off the Quidditch team. Draco watched his failed relationship with Cho fall apart and was a bit gleeful about it.

Maybe Potter doesn't like girls? I can only hope. I've been avoiding it. I've known, but I don't like girls. My father will do more than kill me. The Dark Lord has returned. I can't do anything to be less of a pureblood heir. I'm going to have to marry Pansy and fake it. Salazar, I wish I could be like Potter... with him, but we are on two different sides. I don't even know if Potter likes guys. Of course, he doesn't. Nothing in this universe ever works in my favor.

Harry hadn't figured out when he noticed that he liked boys more than girls. It was just something that he had realized. Draco admitted to himself that he was gay but couldn't tell anyone. It was just... sad. He just watched everyone else and played politics, when he didn't believe in any of it. Draco had even found the DA's secret spot way earlier than Umbridge had. Draco knew that the information was valuable, but he didn't want him to be thrown out. Then, when Umbridge knew where they were, Draco made sure that Dobby found out.

Potter just couldn't have left quicker or shut the damned door? Idiot. How he escaped expulsion, I'll never know. He really is... lucky. Or is it fate?

Fucking hell! Blaise noticed me writing in this. How? I checked that my spells are working. Vince and Greg don't notice it. They just see me reading. How? Does Blaise actually care about me?

Salazar, Blaise told me that he's noticed my obsession... if Potter can be called that. I guess my brain accepted that definition. Blaise said that it was impossible to even try to cross over to Potter's. It'd be like the muggle 온라인카지노게임 of Romeo and Juliet... where not only we would die, but our families would, too. All are punish'd. But Blaise talks very openly about it... being gay. It's unnerving. Silence is always better. He says he knows what it is like never to have anyone to talk to. That's why he gave this journal to me.

It's weird to have someone to talk to. He told me that he was gay. Just laid it out there. He said that he was lonely and scared, too. Theo knows about him... and he said that Theo suspects that I am too, but Theo would never tell anyone. He wants nothing to do with his insane, ancient, cradle-robbing father. Apparently, Theo has noticed my journal, too. Is that my test of who I can trust?

Harry's mouth popped open. It was. He found Draco's journal, which is heavily glamoured from being noticed. Of course, he knew that he meant Draco no harm. However, Harry remembered that Draco and Blaise had a relationship of some sort, and most likely, that part was coming. He didn't know if he could handle reading it, but he pushed on, not caring that it was getting darker and cooler outside.

Blaise wants to try it. He's got lube. He says that it can stay between us... that we can experience it once before the war starts or we get sold off to our pureblood brides. He didn't care that I like Potter. Should I say yes? I want to try it. I trust Blaise. It's hard to trust, but he's right. I'll never have a life with Potter... or any guy. My father would kill me and him. I'm scared, but I want to take this leap. Have a nice moment with someone.

It was different. Weird kinda. We switched so we'd both know what it was like. Blaise was just as clueless as I was. It was sweet and made it bearable. Not as embarrassing. We read a book on what to do. I mean, it still hurt, but it was nice. Theo kept watch outside, and I sent Greg and Vince to Hogsmeade for sweets. They weren't likely to refuse that offer. Blaise was so gentle, and he held me after. I told him that we couldn't have more than this. It was too risky. He held me tighter and said that he just wanted something real in his life. I understood that.

Fucking hell... it's been a week since we did it, and I keep waiting for the letter from my father or the blackmail to start from either Blaise or Theo... but there's been nothing. Blaise has noticed me avoiding him. Shit. How could I be so stupid?

Well, I'm stupid. Blaise just punched me for implying that he would sell me out. I apologized and he accepted it. He's scared, too, but no one has to know. We did it one more time. It will be our secret.

Harry stared out over the water and contemplated that. He had not known what Blaise had gone through and if Blaise loved Draco or not. He seemed to love Neville, now, but reading what Draco said about how lonely he was, made him curious and empathetic. During Draco's monologues about his housemates, he never had a bad thing to say about Blaise, other than questioning his motives.

Harry pressed on, and unfortunately, nothing else was said about what happened. Draco's father was arrested at the Department of Mysteries. Draco was actually happy in his entries that he, Potter, had saved him from a summer of torture. But that wasn't what happened at all. Draco then wrote about his new houseguests: Aunt Bella, his uncles, Rodolphus and Rabastan, Greyback, Dolohov, Travers, Jugson, Muliber, Gibbon and, of course, the Dark Lord.

Harry gripped the journal tightly as Draco wrote about the daily torture he endured from his new "family". How he watched people being tortured, killed and defiled in front of him. How he wanted to die than live like this. Aunt Bella took him under her wing, wanting to make him stronger but failing. Occlumency was required, and he hated it. She saw Blaise and him and held that threat over him to get him in line. He knew what the others would do to him if they found out.

Draco wrote about the absolute fear he had when Nagini slithered around him and the Dark Lord watched his terror with delight. Then Draco wrote about the Mark. He knew he couldn't refuse it, and his new master branded him and ordered him to kill Dumbledore. He said that he had to or die trying. It was payment for Lucius's failure at the Ministry.

When they let me go, I went to my room and vomited. I hate this vile Mark. I'm Marked, marked as Potter's enemy. He'll never rescue me. There's no going back from this. No one will ever see anything but this Mark. No one will ever save me. I'm going to die. I have to kill someone. Someone who's impossible to kill. I can't. Maybe I should just... die.

Draco wrote out several long pages of plans for his mission. The idea of the Vanishing Cabinet seemed to crop up regularly, and he finally settled on it as it would take the longest to do. He had no idea where to start. His entries became more erratic and desperate. He had no idea what to do, but started researching and trying out new techniques.

I can't think about what the end result is going to be. I just have to keep my eyes on this. But I've noticed that Potter is watching me. He's probably pissed about his nose, but he just had to get my father arrested. That's the reason that I'm marked. He heard some part of my plan, but I won't tell anyone about it all. He's always watching me. I finally have what I want and can't even enjoy it. Maybe he'll figure it out. But then my mum will die. I can't let her die. Why couldn't he watch me sooner?

Draco's depression worsened as his attempts failed and letters from home were full of threats. At Christmas, he was summoned back to the manor and tortured for his continuous failure. He ramped up attempts to kill Dumbledore, almost wishing, pleading that he would be stopped, caught. He pushed Blaise and Theo away. He didn't trust Snape. The only hope he had was to finish the thing that would let Death Eaters into the school. To kill his target. Draco fretted about the deed many times, telling himself that he couldn't do it, but rehashing that he had no choice.

Draco barely mentioned their showdown in the bathroom. He was cracking badly at that point and admitted that he just wanted to die. But after the tower, Draco was severely punished by his father, who had just escaped prison, for failing to redeem the family. His punishment was made even worse when Aunt Bella told his father what happened with Blaise. Draco didn't say it exactly, but Harry could tell that it was the moment Lucius had hurt his son beyond words.

He said that it's what I deserve that he'll disown me if he ever hears another whisper about it. I'll be stripped of everything, and he meant everything. Father will let the others have me. He's not my father anymore. He's a monster like them. Where is Potter? I hope he wins soon... before I lose everything.

Harry teared up at Draco's unwavering faith in him. Draco went long periods without writing anything. Some days, it was just declaring who had died or who was tortured. Aunt Bella and his father trained him harder to build up his mind and shut off his emotions, which were "getting in the way".

There's going to be nothing left. I am fading.

Harry bit his lip nervously. It was hard to read. How could one person endure so much? He pressed on and noticed that Draco didn't say when he went back to school for seventh year. However, he said he didn't dare approach Blaise or Theo. He was trying to survive.

Blaise finally pulled me into a stall and warded the loo. He demanded to know what was wrong. He knew I was fucked up when I started crying. I told him that my father found out. We couldn't risk even talking to each other. Blaise said that his mother knows, too. She's threatening to cut him off. Why can't our parents love us for who we are? Blaise had a way out. I told him to leave the country, before they drag him in. I have a life sentence.

I hang onto every news about Potter. I want to know if this nightmare will end. Potter will defeat the Dark Lord. I know it. He is good, and good will always triumph over evil. Potter will free me. He will save me. Maybe after we can be friends... or more. Is that my dream? I can dream still. Of a life where people I love don't hurt me... of a life with a family who cares about me.

Harry swallowed hard, needing to conjure a floating light orb to see the last few pages, as the moonlight wasn't enough. The end was coming, and he didn't want it to end. Draco briefly mentioned that it was time for Easter and the anticipated pain and torture that would accompany it.

Potter was here, here in my house. Bound and kneeling on my floor, but he escaped. I'm so happy and relieved. I looked him in the eyes, and he mentally pleaded with me to deny it was him. I couldn't out him. But I couldn't save him either. I lowered the wards for him and his friends in case they got ahold of a wand, but I couldn't just out myself. It was too risky. They'd kill my mother. I even considered taking her with me, but my father would track us down. He made us drink tracing potions, just in case I got any ideas.

Potter is free, though he took my wand. I let it go. I couldn't deny the savior that. He needed a wand, but I'm defenseless now. It was worth the Dark Lord's wrath to do it. He tortured us for days, and I have to thank Aunt Bella for teaching me Occlumency, so he didn't see my true feelings for Potter. He would've killed my whole family. No, it's better Potter have my wand. My mother said that I can use hers, but she'll be defenseless here with the others. I hope my father will defend what is his, even without a wand.

I will miss mine, but I pray that Potter will kill the Dark Lord with it. Wouldn't that be the great FU to the Dark Lord? But I know Potter enough that he hates the idea of killing as much as I do, but he's not human anymore. He's evil. Potter, please save me. Stop him. You've thwarted him and his minions for years! since you were one! I know you can do this. I believe in you, Potter. I always have.

After, I swear I'll do anything to make up for what I've done, Potter. Beg for forgiveness. You're likely not to grant me even the chance, but I will try. I know that you will never love me, like I love you, but I have to try. I wish I could blame others for everything, but I've done some nasty things to save my own skin.

I didn't want Dumbledore to die. I didn't want to hurt Weasley or Bell. I didn't want to call Granger those names. I didn't want to hurt you. If I never get the chance to say it to you, I'll say it now for my own conscience and soul. I'm sorry for everything, Harry.

Harry slowly closed Draco's diary and brought it to his chest, hugging it tightly. Tears fell as he realized that Draco had loved him for so long. It might have started as a crush, but for Draco, he was his only hope. He supposed that it was true for many people, who wanted to escape Voldemort's reign of terror. But no one was caught in the middle more than Draco. Hurt and punished cruelly by both sides, when he could do nothing to stop it.

Draco laid it all out in his diary. He wasn't a coward. He was a victim. And he loved him. Harry felt that when he entered Draco's mind. He felt that feeling of safety and devotion. Draco knew exactly what he wanted, and it wasn't just about Harry healing him. Draco would have come to him regardless.

Draco had chosen him, and his observations about him were spot on. No one understood him as Draco did. He just needed to know what to do next. Draco had put it on him. He wants a relationship... any relationship. Harry did, too. He looked at the sky and felt hope flare up in him again.

Sorry if it was a little hard to follow. Couldn't exactly write all of Draco's journal. So, I had to bounce back and forth with Harry's observations and sum ups. 

Like how I just skipped the bathroom scene? Yep I did. It's been beaten to death enough, lol.

Grammarly was yelling at me about a lot of my words and punctuation, but it is supposed to be Draco's handwritten journal, so I can use whatever words, punctuation and verb tenses I want! Cause it was hard, lol. Present tense person reading a diary of someone that is a reflection of that day... and Draco was pissed, confused and depressed a lot of the time. Grammarly couldn't get it. It also doesn't like me using an unnecessary amount of words to explain something. I do get wordy sometimes though, right?