ONLY ANGEL | JJ MAYBANK

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

•••

You never know how hard it will be to cope with the loss of someone, until you're in that phase of waking up every morning in pure dread of what it is you'll be waking up to.

A life without John B and Sarah wasn't the life that Collins had expected to be living after becoming their friend. Before that summer, she'd never really even known the two as individuals, so she had lived without them before, but back then she didn't have the memories with them to haunt her. Back then, she never knew what it was like to not have them as friends, but now she did. Since they'd gotten to know each other and built a friendship together, Collins had never imagined not knowing such strong willed, loyal, and caring people.

She missed the days spent following after John B, half loving his ability to concoct because he had been pretty on the nose with his wild theories, but also the other half of the time she was scared he would hurt himself from all the trouble he got himself into. He'd broken his arm and almost fallen into a well that he'd willingly climbed into. And ultimately, look where he was now. Collins supposed she was never wrong to be worried in the first place.

And Collins couldn't help but find herself reminiscing on that one night she had arrested herself to being trapped on a boat with Kie and Sarah when they looked at each other as enemies instead of friends. She thought she was going to be collateral damage that night. The hate they had for each other was so strong, no one would have ever believed they could've mended the bridge that had been burned between them. Collins herself had had very little hope that JJ's plan would actually work but she was eternally grateful that it did. It had turned out to be one of the best nights of her life.

Two people she had never known she would ever miss so much were gone and Collins didn't know what to do with herself.

And no one understood her like the Pogues did. They shared the same grief with her, they knew exactly what each other was going through and that drew them together like some kind of centripetal force was working on them. Everyone else on the island was brainwashed into believing that John B was the villain who killed Peterkin and dragged Sarah down with him in his escape. They were completely alone with the truth of the matter and even further isolated from the rest of the world.

Because of that, there were very little moments where they ever wanted to be apart from each other. The realization that their friends were gone would hit them at the most random times and so they needed each other as sources of comfort for when it did.

One case in particular was with JJ, who had taken the loss his best friend especially hard. Collins wanted to do everything in her power to console him, almost to the point where she was using it as a coping mechanism to deal with her own sadness by helping him with his. Like if she could get him through this, then she could get herself through it.

They spent a lot of their time together, not just with their other friends but with each other, just the two of them. Collins got back on her studying for the ACT and SAT, even though she found herself spacing off more than solving actual problems, and JJ kept her company. Sometimes they would go to the library (a place JJ never thought he'd ever step foot in) and they'd find a book for her to read with him. They finished Treasure Island finally; at least the main character got their treasure. But after that, they tried to avoid books with hunts for gold in the synopsis.

It had become their thing to spend cool summer days at the base of an angel oak tree. Sometimes Collins would be nose deep in her notebook with her pen in hand trying to follow one of the writing prompts from the practice SAT tests while JJ was twenty feet above ground, sitting on a thick branch with his leg dangling off the side.

"Please don't fall. I'm actually begging you." Collins called up to him as he was trying to beat his own record of how high he could get before he invaded a squirrel's nest. He was practically one with the tree, his limbs camouflaged with the branches and leaves stuck in his hair.

"Don't you want a pet chipmunk? All the princesses have one. Trust me, it's all the rage." He yelled back down at her, his voice already sounding distant. She kind of did in the most arbitrary way, but she wasn't going to feed into this behavior by saying yes.

When she was finally able to get him to lay with her before he could break his leg coming down, most of their time together was spent with his head in her lap, her fingers in his hair, and her lips reciting words off a page until JJ felt like he was falling asleep. It was the only time JJ ever felt like he was experiencing true bliss. In a world where shitty circulated like air in his life, being with Collins was the only thing that made him feel like it was an even trade. No one could ever have something so special with a person and have a perfect life outside of it as well. JJ would give up anything to keep having moments like these with her.

He hated when the inevitable came and the night fell, leaving him to make the decision on where he would sleep for the night. That first night after John B was gone, he'd slept at Pope's house. Then when he felt like he'd overstayed his welcome, he'd tried sleeping at the Château. But the first step he took inside, he felt so sick to his stomach and couldn't bear the thought of taking another. And so he fled down the front steps and stumbled to a lawn chair, gulping for air and shuddering so violently he thought he was about to go into shock.

A night sleeping outside was all he could handle, but even then it was still difficult for JJ to bring himself to sleep when there were so many memories surrounding him everywhere he looked. The Château was their place; they'd done everything there and it was the only safe haven that he knew. When going back to his own house wasn't an option with his dad, this place was all he had. And now, it just wasn't the same when the person he linked it to was no longer around. It just felt wrong to be there, and it hurt like hell.

The following night, JJ found himself on the front porch to Collins's house, knocking on the door before he could retract his hand back to stop himself. Immediate regret began to set in, but it was too late, footsteps were already approaching the door and there was no going back now.

The screen door opened and Charlie's face was the first one that JJ saw. Yeah, this was a mistake.

"JJ, what's up, man?" Charlie greeted him. There was still an aura of curiosity in his casualness. Charlie had sort of warmed up to the idea of Collins and JJ together and he hadn't protested about the time they spent together both alone and with their friends since he knew what they were going through. Yet despite this, he still kept his eye on them, he just didn't voice his concerns aloud.

He had to admit though, as much as he hated to say it, things had gotten a lot better. Collins wasn't staying out too late, she was back hitting the books, and she was looking for a job. Charlie had finally relented on the whole working thing because she begged him and Charlie figured that this was something she needed to keep her mind off of everything. Overall, the big idea was that Collins was easier to manage now that she wasn't chasing after gold.

And yeah, he knew all about that now. It'd taken a lot of explanation, but it felt good to finally be in the loop of things, even if it was already over. Charlie felt like the whole thing had opened his eyes to who his sister had become and he could now see her for the person she'd always wanted him to. It was different, but not like in a bad way. It was just a little weird at first.

But seeing JJ on his front porch, that was a sight that he had grown somewhat used to, although, not at this hour.

"Hey, Charlie, sorry to bother you." JJ cringed. He drew a blank. God, he probably looked so stupid. What the hell was he doing there? Just as JJ was about to blurt out some feeble excuse to try and make up for his disruption and run for the hills, Collins, his angel sent from heaven itself, suddenly came to his rescue.

She emerged from out of her room upon hearing someone at the door and recognizing JJ's voice. She was in her pajamas, but she hadn't been sleeping yet. That night in the Jacobson household was quiet until JJ had arrived.

"JJ." She said his name so softly, nighttime usually did that to her. For some reason, it just felt right to only speak in whispers when it was dark out. Like if she were to speak any louder, even if at just normal volume, she would be disturbing the peace. Collins came up behind Charlie and pulled the door open wider. "Come on, let him in, Charlie."

Her brother obliged, stepping away so that JJ could walk in, though the blond boy did so carefully as if Charlie was going to sic him like a guard dog. He really shouldn't have come here.

"I'm sorry." JJ apologized again. It felt like the only right thing for him to say when it seemed that everything he did was wrong.

Shaking her head, Collins quickly dismissed the unnecessary apology. "Don't be. What's wrong?" She looked at him in deep concern.

JJ glanced over at Charlie in the corner of his eye, and just clammed up. It was just that everything with his dad was so complicated, and it required a lot of opening up about things that JJ didn't really want to get into. All he knew was that he couldn't bring himself to sleep at the Château without feeling like his head was going to split open from the actual physical pain it brought him to be around all of John B's things. The one thing that he did know, though, was that Collins had been one of the only things that had made him feel better when he felt like his whole body was going to cave in to the chaos. That must've been what drew him there in the first place.

Noticing his apprehension to speak with Charlie present, Collins took JJ by the hand and led him over to her room for some privacy.

"Collins," Charlie called over to stop her. She turned to him and raised her brows expectantly. "Door open, okay?"

Nodding her head, Collins turned back and waved her hand up to acknowledge him. "I know."

As she and JJ retreated to her bedroom, she released his hand to push the door closed until a respectable crack was left between the door and its frame. At least now they didn't have Charlie watching their every move.

Upon entering her room, JJ dragged his hands down his face and tried to take a couple deep breaths to help calm the anxiety wracking his chest. He was just being dumb, he didn't need to bother them with this. He could've found a way to deal with this on his own. Charlie and Collins had enough on their plate without him coming there and adding more. It wasn't like Charlie was a big fan of him already, so JJ was just making things worse for himself. He didn't know what he was thinking coming there in the first place, it all just felt so irrational.

"JJ," Collins said, trying to get his attention while he paced the room. He was worrying her with the way he was acting. "Talk to me." She begged.

Clenching his jaw, JJ tried to contain his emotions while he attempted to utter some kind of explanation for her. "I just— I didn't know where to go. I can't go home after I stole my dad's boat, and I can't go to-to the Château because I can't even open the door without freaking out." He released a shaky breath and clutched his chest with one hand, trying to catch his breath.

Collins quickly grabbed him by both sides and guided him to sit on the edge of her bed, kneeling down in front of him and pulling the top half of his body forward, towards his knees. "Breathe, JJ, just breathe. It's okay, you don't have to explain everything to me."

She rubbed his back soothingly and tried to get him to match his breath with hers, putting her lips next to his ear and performing even inhales and exhales. For a while, he was so overwhelmed with his own mind and body that wasn't paying any attention to hers. But soon enough, he was feeling her breaths blowing past his ear and focusing on the equal strokes of air that she was taking in and expelling out, until he was finally in sync with her and seemed to have calmed down substantially. JJ closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of Collins as it filled his nose. She must've showered that night, because she smelled like body wash and shampoo. Her skin looked soft and had an oily glow to it like she'd moisturized it recently.

"I'm sorry." He said, then quickly shook his head because she'd already told him not to be. "I just don't know where to go."

"You can stay here. I'll talk to Charlie and we'll work something out." She placed a hand on his cheek and looked at him with a gentle smile on reassurance. Honestly, she was upset with herself for not realizing this sooner. From the very first night, she should've questioned where it was that JJ was laying his head to rest. She'd always thought that the reason why they could waste away so many hours until the night reading books and listening to music together, was because time just seemed to fly like that. Collins had never considered the possibility that JJ was just trying to hold off on something he dreaded coming home to. "Don't worry about it, okay? You're safe here."

JJ gazed back at her in subtle awe. How was she so perfect? She would never admit it herself, but in the eyes of JJ, there was nothing wrong with her at all. No matter how much she would try to deny it, she couldn't see what he saw in her. She just had a way of always knowing what to say and do to calm him down. How could she know him so well?

Collins squeezed his hand and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. "I'll be right back. Wait here."

She slipped out of the room to return to Charlie, who was laid out on the futon, scrolling through his phone. He looked up from his screen and saw that Collins had emerged from her room alone, and so he raised his brow inquisitively at her. "What's going on?"

Taking a seat at the end of his feet, Collins looked at her brother seriously, putting on her biggest doe eyes as she spoke to him. "Look, JJ really needs somewhere to sleep—"

"Hell no." Charlie cut her off, dropping his phone in his lap out of pure appall that she would even think to ask him something like this.

"Can you at least let me finish and explain the situation to you?" Collins huffed, trying to keep her voice down so that JJ couldn't hear their conversation. The last thing she wanted to do was out him when it wasn't her problem to share.

Charlie narrowed his eyes at her. "What exactly is there to explain? You're not having a sleepover with your boyfriend, Collins. You guys are sixteen, you think I don't know what that's like?"

"It's not like that, Charlie, and you don't have to be crude about it." Collins hissed. They were getting too worked up about this. Her intentions had been to take a softer approach because Charlie usually responded better to that than when they tried to argue about it. She needed to go back to that plan. This time, more softly, she said, "Trust me, that's not the reason, okay? He just needs somewhere to sleep and his house is not an option. This is the safest place for him."

Her eyes were pleading. Looking into them, Charlie got the sense that she wasn't actually lying when she said what she did. That left him with the hard decision of choosing to believe her or ignoring her completely to stick to his stubborn self. He did have an idea on what it was that JJ was trying to avoid coming home to. Luke Maybank was no father of the year, Charlie had crossed paths with him more times high than sober. Knowing what it was like to have a drug addict parent, Charlie could see how JJ would want to be staying anywhere but where his father was. The empathy that Charlie had for him was the kid's saving grace.

Releasing a soft sigh, Charlie threw his hands up in surrender and shrugged. "Fine. But he's sleeping on the damn floor. And the door stays open, none of that quarter ajar bullshit."

"Half." Collins negotiated. Who wants to sleep with the freaking door wide open?

"Fine." Charlie gave in, much easier than Collins would've expected him to. She wasn't going to complain though. "Don't make me regret this, Collins."

Collins nodded her head vigorously. "You won't, I promise. Thank you, Charlie, seriously." She threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly, receiving a couple weak pats on the back from him while he wondered to himself if he was being a good big brother by letting her do this or a terrible one.

"JJ?" Charlie yelled, calling the boy over. Quickly, JJ appeared from Collins's room and stood at the door fully prepared to be kicked off the front steps to become the hopeless stray dog that he felt like he was. Holding a stern expression on his face, Charlie looked at JJ and pointed at him with warning all bundled up in his one finger. "No funny business, Maybank. Put the sleep in the word 'sleepover' and nothing more."

Trying not to look too surprised, JJ maintained his composure before saluting Charlie like he was his drill sergeant. "Acknowledged, sir."

"Don't call me sir."

"Okay."

Collins smiled, inserting herself between the two before Charlie could try and intimidate JJ even more. She grabbed the stack of blankets that they always had sitting in the corner of the living room and grabbed JJ by the arm, pulling him with her.

"Floor." Charlie reminded her, to which she pursed her lips and rolled her eyes at.

"Got it." She called back, while JJ turned back and nodded towards Charlie.

"I appreciate this, man." The blond boy told him, but Charlie just waved him off. It was no big deal. Hopefully this showed them that Charlie wasn't a total dick all the time. He knew when to lighten up once in a while.

As they re-entered Collins's room once again, Collins threw the blankets onto her bed and started laying them out one by one on the floor space between her bed and the wall, right under the window. "This is the best spot. It's nice and cool since it faces outside." She knew he ran hot when he slept.

Taking the blankets out of her hands, JJ smiled softly at her, pure adoration in his eyes. "You don't have to make a bed for me. I've slept on dirt before, so your bedroom floor alone is a total upgrade."

"It's okay." Collins assured him. "I want you to be comfortable. If you can't sleep in my bed, this is the least I can do."

"If this is the least you can do, I'm curious as to what the most is." JJ told her, taking one end of the blanket while she took the other, and laid it down on the floor for some padding.

Laying down another and taking some pillows from her reading nook for him to lay his head on, Collins put the finishing touches on the makeshift bed she'd made for JJ. "There, test it out for me, would you?"

JJ took off his hat and bent down to lower himself onto the floor, laying back until his back was flat and his head hit the pillow. He stretched his arms back and tucked them behind his head before looking up at Collins satisfactorily. "It's perfect." Anything was better than the alternative.

Collins grinned, pleased with herself, before she moved to turn the big light off in her room so they were only left with the dim glow of her string lights which hung around one side of the wall around her bed. Tucking herself under the covers, Collins laid on her side to face JJ, though he was still resting in the same position he had been in before. His eyes were closed, but he wasn't asleep yet, which Collins could tell from the movement under his eyelids.

"Can I ask you something?" She whispered, trying to keep her voice even lower than usual because when everything was still, words carried far and she didn't want Charlie hearing them.

"Hit me." JJ said back, just as quiet in order to match her tone.

Shifting in her bed, Collins rested her cheek on her hands and searched the walls for something to focus her eyes on if she couldn't look JJ in his while she talked to him. "What are your thoughts on the afterlife? Or lack thereof, whichever you believe in."

It had become a commonality between them to delve into deep topics of conversation when it was just the two them and the earth was quiet. They'd already talked about what the meaning of life was, the validity of the multiverse and its existence, and whether it was the egg or the chicken which came first (Collins was a die hard believer in the egg and JJ had no real opinion on the whole thing, but he chose chicken just to antagonize her). Collins felt like the world gave them moments like that on purpose so that they could share their thoughts in clarity. No background noise to blur their minds, no interruptions to muddle their words. Just the two of them in an environment perfect for conversing about everything and anything.

At her question, JJ furrowed his brows in deep thought. His eyes remained closed, so he decided to just try and picture his answer in his head instead of pulling the words from his brain. He found that he was better at that as opposed to the latter. In his mind, he saw sunshine. His least favorite season was winter, so it made sense that sunny days were all that he could ever imagine. He also could swear that he heard water, like the way it sounds on the ocean when it's crashing into itself in sprays or slaps. He knew it was the ocean, too, because the taste of salt hung at the tip of his tongue. And he could feel warmth, the kind that doesn't just come from the weather, but from a feeling you get when you're with someone you care about. It's like taking a sip of warm soup; after the swallow, it runs down your chest and fills your body up with comfort from the inside out.

"I hope that it's a place." JJ finally said. Hope; that was the key word and that was all he could do. He could never be sure of something like that, he could never believe it to be true without definitive proof which he'd already accepted was something he'd never get. All he had was hope. "My idea of an afterlife is that it's different for everyone, but we're all still together in some way. Not just the people we know who've died, too, but the people we've left behind. I feel like mourning can go both ways, right?"

Collins nodded, even though he couldn't see her and she couldn't see him because she had closed her own eyes now. "Definitely." If they could lose someone to death, then it wasn't that crazy of an idea that the dead could mourn losing them. Either way, they were one without the other.

"I hope that when I die, I get to choose what age I get to stay as. In my afterlife, I'll be pissed if I can't ride a wave because I died at 80 and I've got arthritis in both my knees." Collins breathed out a small laugh, a brief mental image of JJ with a few decades on him, struggling to stand on a surfboard. "And I hope John B's there. He'd be pissed, too, if he couldn't keep trying to prove that he was a better surfer than me. We could go at it all day if we wanted to, because the sun doesn't set unless we choose it. By then, he probably will be a better surfer than I am. He went out during a freaking a hurricane and lived to tell the tale. That's something only the best surfer on the island would do. Yeah, I gotta give him credit for that. He's the best the OBX has ever seen."

Collins couldn't help the tears falling onto her pillow. Hearing JJ talk about John B was the most touching thing she'd ever heard. She'd been imagining everything that he had described and it was so vivid it made her sad to think about it not being true. Whatever an afterlife looked like, Collins hoped, too, that it was how JJ pictured it. Nothing else seemed as euphoric. Anything less would be incredibly upsetting.

As she held back sniffles, Collins slipped out from under the covers and leaned over the edge of her mattress to reach down to slowly ease herself between JJ and the base of her bed. He scooted over to make room for her without uttering a word, and it wasn't until she was tucked under his arm and burying her face in his neck did he feel the heat and wetness of her tears transferring from her skin to his. A small snivel escaped her, and her body started to shake irregularly with her silent cries.

She'd been taking care of him through all of his episodes of grief, but until then, she'd never shown any need for care for herself. JJ should've known that she was just bottling it up all this time, and that he should've known to check on her so she could use him as an outlet for her emotions. Classic Collins, putting the needs of others before her own. But also, typical JJ, never considering the possibility that she was tending to him so she could continue to suppress her suffering.

JJ held her close to him and rubbed her back in an effort to soothe her like she'd done for him before. It'd worked to help calm him down, so it was worth a shot to try it on her. "Talk to me, Colls." He spoke with the bottom half of his face buried in her hair. He moved to brush his nose against her temple, lips touching the arch of her brow as he tried to navigate through her feelings of sorrow to somehow help her through it. It pained him that he couldn't fix this for her, all he could do was help facilitate her to her own repair.

"I miss them." She replied with an ache in her chest. Every time she was reminded that they weren't there anymore, she felt like a piece of her heart died with them. Sometimes it would come back to her at moments where she felt happy and could engage in laughter, but it was hard to make progress when you can knock down what you've spent days working on in mere seconds.

"I know, baby." JJ said back. "But if I'm even remotely close to guessing the reality of the afterlife, they are doing just fine. Better in fact."

"I hope that we're there with them." Collins confessed. "I hope that they wanted us to be apart of their endless bliss and that we're riding on a boat along the coast without any sense of destination. No responsibilities tying us down."

"Drinking beers and swapping stories." JJ continued on after her.

"Laughing after every stupid thing anyone says and just enjoying every minute with each other." Collins finished. "I hope that's where they are right now. I hope they're happy."

JJ smiled softly, a bittersweet sentiment enveloping him like a hug that squeezed the breath out of him. It saddened him to think about the loss of his friend, but it also warmed his heart to lay there with Collins and think of everything from an optimistic perspective for once. "Hey," he said lowly, nudging her head with his cheek. "Promise me that if Charlie finds us like this, that you'll try to postpone my trip to the afterlife. Because I'm pretty sure that's where I'll be headed if he decides to walk in to check on us and sees that you're not in your bed."

Burying her face in JJ's shirt to stifle her giggles, Collins quickly clamped her mouth shut while JJ softly shushed her before they turned his joke into reality.

Pressing her lips against the spot where his neck met his jaw, Collins whispered against his skin. "I promise." The vibrations of her voice made him ticklish, JJ restrained himself from squirming too much under her touch. "To make up for it, I also promise that in the afterlife, I'll make sure to make your time worthwhile. What with endless bliss and all."

JJ felt a shiver run down his spine and suddenly, he couldn't help but fidget in his place as his body started making strange movements in response to Collins's sultry suggestion.

"Well, shit, should I call him in right now then?" Collins made the quietest squeal and immediately cupped her hand over his mouth as he made an effort to pretend as though he were actually about to yell out for her brother and get exactly what he wished for.

"Don't you dare." She warned, though her wrath was not quite as developed in ferocity as Charlie's was. She didn't know what it would take to make it any more formidable, but rest assured, her feminine rage could still rattle some cages. "You're just gonna have to be patient."

"Patient?" JJ scoffed. "I can be patient. You'd be surprised by just how patient I can be." JJ was already beginning to want to eat his words because now that the possibility had been implanted in his mind, he knew he was going to have a hard time shaking it any time soon.

"Good. I'll be sure to show my appreciation in other ways until then." Turning his face towards hers, Collins's fingers had a delicate touch to them as she connected their lips.

JJ succumbed to her method of hypnosis and held back a guttural sound from escaping him as Collins gently took his bottom lip between her teeth before releasing it with a light kiss. With the space between their mouths still closed, JJ spoke against hers, "I know I've said it before, but this time, I'm dead serious, Collins. You're killing me."

"Yeah, yeah," Collins said under her breath, "what else is new?"

Just as he brought his hand over to curl around the back of her thigh and pull her leg over his hip, Collins briefly drew away from his kiss to reach over for the plug in to her fairy lights. She swiftly pulled the plug out from its socket and the room went dark, leaving the two of them alone in the black to finish their night off in their own variety of endless bliss.

•••

this may be as close to smut as I will get so soak it all in while you can babes