Healing Draco Malfoy

Chapter 52

Published: December 10, 2022

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of past assault and self blame

Harry held onto the thick white belt firmly as Draco made small steps. He constantly observed Draco for any sign that his muscles might give out, but his legs were shakily holding so far today. The belt was around his waist in case he fell, and Harry wouldn't have to resort to rushed magic to catch him.

"Come on, a few more steps," he encouraged.

Draco sighed but pressed on silently. His full concentration was needed to control his limbs. Walking can only improve with muscle memory, and Draco's was gone. Every movement was jerky and required extra time to get right. Harry usually saw it in stroke victims, but Draco couldn't move for so long that everything atrophied. He was making slow progress, though. It had been over a week since his birthday, and he was already doing controlled walks with the balance bars.

"Alright, great job! Now, backward."

"Fuck," Draco swore. He hated walking backward. Draco preferred turning around, but he also needed to work all his muscles. His backward steps were smaller and more careful, but he completed his fourth lap.

"You did it! Do you want to rest?"

"No... one more," Draco replied.

Harry smiled but only slightly. Draco seemed determined to push himself, regardless of the consequences. Harry was worried about why that was, but, of course, he couldn't just ask him about it. Ever since his birthday, Draco had been... different. He flinched more and was just... on edge. He hadn't used his wand, at least that Harry saw. In fact, Draco hid it somewhere on him and never took it out.

Harry could sense it, though. The wand, once his for a few short weeks, still was in tune to him. He had held it several times since the war ended, and the hawthorn wand always purred in his hand, just like his own holly one. Sometimes, it almost seemed closer. Before he really got his wandless magic under control, he used to check Draco's wand to see if the feeling ever went away. It didn't. The hawthorn wand wanted his attention more than his own did. But... he always had felt guilty when he held it. It wasn't his, and Draco... why-why hadn't he bothered to check on him?

Harry was never going to forgive himself for that. Some part of him recognized that he had had no idea what Draco was going through, and sure, Azkaban shouldn't have been the hell on earth, but... it was. Azkaban was always horrifying. The only difference from before the war to after was that humans were torturing the prisoners and not dementors. Much to his shame and guilt, he remembered that he had thought Draco's sentence wasn't that bad.

At the trials, Harry had really thought about what Draco had done and, more importantly, what he didn't do. He tried to get him off from the life sentence that was up against him. Draco had tortured people... had Imperioused people... had accepted the Dark Mark, and all of those carried life sentences in the post-Voldemort age. That Draco was underage when he used Imperio and took the Mark helped. The Cruciatus was another thing, though. Draco was of age when that happened, and the Death Eaters that Draco tortured were quick to offer him up to buy years off their sentence.

Harry had not been allowed to visit Draco after he had been arrested. However, he had hired the best solicitor he could find to represent the son and wife of Voldemort's right-hand man. Harry didn't care about the bill... he owed Draco and Narcissa. The lawyer was efficient and quick-witted, getting evidence tossed and extra charges dismissed before they even got to the Wizengamot. So she got it down to the big ones and destroyed most of the claims against Draco in open court.

Then Harry had taken the stand. The courtroom was in awe as he testified on behalf of a known Death Eater. Many did not appreciate it, as the war had hurt everyone. But he spoke for nearly an hour, about choices... fear and options... and put the question to the Wizengamot. What would they have done? At 16? With Voldemort living at your home? With Death Eaters surrounding you and your family? That shut up the hate-mongers, and Draco just stared at him, almost slack-jawed in disbelief.

Harry dragged out everything he could about how Draco refused to kill Dumbledore, that Voldemort was threatening him, and crucially, that Draco had saved him at Malfoy Manor. Harry even suggested that Draco "gave" him his hawthorn wand when they escaped. Harry even raised it up to the court and declared he would not have been able to defeat Voldemort, if it weren't for that wand. The wand that was currently hidden in the depths of Draco's robes.

It was a wash, though, in the end. The Wizengamot cleared him of the life-sentence crimes but convicted Draco for three: the accidental poisoning of Ron, the almost fatal cursing of Katie Bell and the attempted murder of Dumbledore. They gave Draco reduced sentences for them as well. Harry had felt somewhat relieved that his old nemesis wasn't sent up for life and, if he had to guess, Draco had looked relieved, too. Their eyes met as the court security wizards approached. Draco gave a single nod, Harry assumed in thanks, before they led him away.

As Draco shuffled toward the end of the bars, Harry still wondered if he could have done more. Appealed it? Asked Kingsley for a favor? He didn't do anything. He walked out of that courtroom six years ago, convinced he had done all he could and the matter was settled. Draco would have to do a few years, and Harry even had a notion that he would talk to him when he got out. He had spotted the hawthorn wand in his sock drawer occasionally after that, but only a year after Draco's trial, he had been captured and tortured by that sadist. Nothing else really mattered after that.

Harry was ashamed of his response to his own assault. He had lied, cut everyone off and descended into full-blown alcoholism relatively quickly. Joel told him that he shouldn't feel guilty for responding like that. He said that it was PTSD, and Harry was trying to cope with something he had no idea how to handle. Harry couldn't deny that, but it didn't make him feel any better. He only thought about himself... even when he glanced at Draco's wand over the years.

When he realized it was Draco's birthday, he wrote Blaise about his party idea. Joel thought Draco was ready for guests, too. Harry hadn't asked him about the wand, though. Maybe he should have, but he knew it was something Draco needed to have. He kicked himself for doing it in front of everyone like that, but he also understood Draco's response to it. Both the inability to cast and the dire need to have protection. Harry was imprisoned for three days without his magic, and just a short time ago, he couldn't bear even a second in that magic-free room. Draco... he went through six years of it. It was bound to affect him.

Harry remembered constantly checking for his wand after his attack. He kept it at the ready for months after in constant paranoia. So yeah, he understood Draco's knee-jerk reaction to his suggestion of taking it back and hiding it. After Harry started at St. Mungo's, he noticed he didn't need his wand anymore. He could Summon, Vanish, enlarge or shrink things with his magic alone. He experimented more and could cast any spell he tried. He still kept his wand on him, though.

It was a security blanket for a long time, and he didn't want to let something that he had relied on so much go. He even had rationalized his thought process. He told himself he needed it to duel, as it'd be faster, and not using it would alarm people. His Auror trainers had beat into him that he should never be unarmed. But eventually, he realized that it was a hindrance. He cast better, faster and more accurately wandlessly. His ability to heal by touch was... unique. No one could do it like he could, and he loved making people feel better. It took a couple of years, but he stopped carrying. He trusted his ability to defend himself, and Draco would eventually trust in himself, too.

Joel said it was just a mental block and not to push him. He had explained that Draco just had a major breakthrough that Draco was recovering from. Harry was never sure how much Draco slept, but now, he was actually sleeping at night. Sometimes with nightmares and sometimes not, but he slept every night, now - the full night. While Harry didn't think having nightmares again was a breakthrough, Draco explained that he didn't go into his mind anymore.

The walls were gone, Draco said, and Harry wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Draco always seemed so... calm... so resilient. He didn't really freak out like Harry did. He didn't have attacks or sob uncontrollably, or became an addict. Harry was worried that it would change, but Draco wasn't that different. He was quieter, and things scared him more, but he still maintained that soft smile every time Harry looked at him. Draco had to do deep breathing exercises occasionally, and he often asked Harry to see him to sleep at night, when he was feeling vulnerable.

Draco slept a lot, now. He stayed asleep, too, only waking for a short time if the nightmares came. Cass said that he quickly went back to sleep, sometimes before she responded to the alert charms she set. No, Draco was catching up on sleep. He had even taken naps in the middle of the day as well. It was a breakthrough, but Harry was at a loss for how to handle the magic situation. He couldn't let Draco leave without the mental stability to defend himself. Not back into the magic world. Harry almost shuddered thinking about being magic-less around people, like Higgs had him.

"Harry?"

Harry opened his eyes, having not noticed that they were closed. He realized that he was kneeling in front of Draco and his wheelchair, and wasn't sure how he got there. His hands were touching the footrests like he had put them down. He looked up at Draco, who was staring at him, concerned.

"I thought I lost you on that last round," Draco murmured. "Are you okay? You didn't seem too distressed, so I didn't snap you out of it."

"Yes... thanks. I was just thinking."

"You were shaking."

"Just at the end. I was thinking about... when Higgs had me in that room."

Draco nodded and released the brakes. "Do you want to... talk?"

Harry considered it. "I'm not sure that you do."

"Really?" Draco asked.

"I was thinking about... how I handled the time after that guy... hurt me. How paranoid I was... surprisingly worse than I am now."

Draco raised his eyebrow. "Yeah?"

"How I'd walk around with my wand at the ready...."

Draco immediately tensed. Harry just stayed kneeling in front of him and didn't make eye contact. He hoped that the position he was in would make it easier for Draco.

"I... well... it took a long time... to lower my guard. Even when I realized that I could cast wandlessly, it was a while before I could let my wand go. It was... safer to me. So... I wanted you to know... that I understand... a bit."

Draco didn't say anything in response, and Harry was worried that he had overstepped and done exactly what Joel, his-their mind healer, had told him not to do. His heart started beating faster, concerned that he had actually caused Draco distress.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't've said...."

"No... thank you, Harry, for telling me that. I've been... embarrassed almost by my response," Draco whispered.

Harry finally looked up. "Draco... no! You shouldn't feel...."

"I know I shouldn't... but I do. It's... hard to control my emotions."

"I'm sorry, Draco. I should have...."

"No, Harry! I needed it. I needed time to adjust to having it, again. And... I needed you to talk about it with me," Draco paused briefly. "How... how did you... get over your... reservations?"

Harry, still crouched in front of Draco, pondered his phrasing. Draco knew Harry's fear wasn't gone, but he had made some strides over the years. "I had a few years to work it out, Draco."

"Joel said that. Time is the magical cure-all," Draco grunted.

Harry nodded. "It is, I guess. But it took some amount of trust. Trust in my surroundings... trust people I see and work with... and trust in myself. I think that had always been my greatest... fear. I was at his mercy, and I was helpless to stop it."

Draco's hands were shaking, but Harry felt the urge to reach out and take them. Draco would ask if he wanted contact.

"That helplessness crippled me... it still does. I know... that deep down... I... blame myself for what happened." Harry lowered his head and braced himself for Draco's immediate attempt to negate his words.

Draco, however, let him continue.

"I... try not to think that like, but I can't help it. I didn't-I don't trust myself anymore after that. I think about the signs... the what-ifs... the choices I made to go with a man I didn't know to a place I didn't know. That I was so stupid to believe him. That I did what he wanted when he had me... that I reacted the way I did when I got free. How could I trust myself, again? I couldn't stop him from doing what he did, and I made a choice to go home with him."

"Harry..." Draco whispered, and he held his hand out.

Harry, for once, wasn't sure he wanted to take it. He blinked back the tears and took a deep breath. Merlin, this was dredging up all his bad feelings that he couldn't control. He couldn't bear to lift his head and look Draco in the eye.

"Harry?"

Harry shook his head. "Just... wait... let me get this out."

Draco put his hand back on the armrest. "Okay."

"It was hard... it is hard to get over that feeling, that guilt and fear, and trust that I have the power to stop it. That's why... when Higgs put me in that room... when he threatened to do it... when people get too close... I panic so quickly. They were taking away my power to defend myself. So, I understand why you... react so strongly to having it on you, and there's nothing... crazy about it. It's a natural reaction."

Harry bit his lip and debated continuing, but they really should talk about it. "Draco... I-I think... part of you... on some level... blame yourself for... what you went through."

Draco tensed up, again.

"I'm sorry. I-I know this is difficult to talk about, but I remember everything you've said, Draco. You told me that you earned your time in prison... for stuff before and during the war? You said that you were stupid... for believing your dad... for not leaving him."

Draco lifted both his hands to cover his face and took a rocky breath.

"And... I think you blame yourself... for fighting back so much or maybe even not enough. You said... you told me that they might not have targeted you so much if you had just played their games. Draco, there was nothing you could have done. I know you probably played the what-ifs game... I know I have. What if I didn't do that... what if I didn't go there... what if I had said the right thing for him not to do that... or continue to do it. Fuck... I know how to play the what-if game.

"But... but we aren't responsible for what they did to us, Draco. That guy shouldn't have drugged and hurt me. I shouldn't have had to beg him not to do it. And Draco... your father shouldn't have hurt you. Voldemort shouldn't have hurt him... threatened you. Those guards shouldn't have abused you so much. It's hard to accept that their choices... were their choices, and we... we aren't to blame for them hurting us. I didn't deserve it... and you didn't deserve it. Not that... never that."

Harry finally lifted his head to look at Draco. His eyes were full of tears and he nodded. His hand twitched, again. Harry offered his out, and Draco put his hand into it. Harry gripped it tightly.

"I'm sorry... that this is rough for you, but you aren't alone anymore. I will be here to help you like no one was there to help me. If you need more time to process everything... I understand. I will always understand."

"Thank you... and I know that. I knew ever since I came here, since you moved my fingers," Draco murmured and lapsed into silence for several minutes.

Harry rubbed his hand, and slowly Draco looked at him. Harry breathed, "It's alright, Draco. Let's get you into bed for your massage."

Draco nodded and went to his bed. Harry nearly massaged him into unconsciousness, but Draco opened his eyes just as he was about to leave.

"Joel... he's been trying to... heal it. He hasn't been able to... I won't let him in," he whispered.

Harry sat down. "I wouldn't either, Draco. Time... might work."

"We don't have time, Harry," Draco whispered, before drifting asleep.

Harry stared at him, confused. He didn't know what Draco meant, but he covered him up with a blanket and quietly left the room. He went to tell Nat about Draco, but he stopped when he realized that someone was standing in front of her desk.

The witch, who had never been to his section, said, "Harry, good morning."

"Good morning... Susan. Are you here for... something?"

"Well, you would know... if you read your interdepartmental memos or attended the last few emergency board meetings," Susan said, pointedly.

Harry flushed. He had been busy avoiding his mail for that reason. "I'm not exactly thrilled with the idea of board meetings after two board members drugged me and attempted to have me declared insane."

Nat snorted and Susan had the decency to blush, now. "Right. I'm sorry... but do you want me to sum up what has happened? Or Nat can, if you wish?" Susan said, gesturing to Nat and smiling.

"What?"

"I've been appointed temporary board member until the wardens vote on who will be head warden," she declared.

"Oh, Nat, congratulations!"

"Thanks, Harry!"

"The board elected to adopt the... ideas you had. That was one of them."

Nat looked at him with prideful, misty eyes. "They also expanded Joel's budget and space."

Harry blinked, having forgotten about his random ideas. "Good."

"And having more structure to the departments. I've been given the title "Director of Healing" and... well... I'm your boss again, Harry."

Harry looked down. He had realized when he made that proposal that this would happen. Not necessarily that it'd be Susan but someone. Holy Merlin, his anxiety was ramping up.

"Harry?"

"Congrats," he mumbled. Susan had apologized for her stern and strict behavior toward him over the last few years, but it didn't make him any less anxious for someone watching over him.

"Harry, nothing is going to change. In fact, you've been granted tenure."

He still wouldn't meet her eyes. Shit, he was a bloody coward, now. Nat came around the desk, but Harry shook his head. "Let's go to my office."

He walked down the hallway, and Susan followed. They went into his office, and he sat in his chair in front of a rather large pile of mail. He sighed. Susan sat in the chair in front of him. She looked worried.

"Harry, we don't have to do this right...."

"Yes, we do. Sorry, I wasn't expecting it."

"I wrote," she said, gesturing to several letters that Harry could see that were from her.

"I'm sorry. I've been... recovering."

"I know, or rather, I know some of it. I want to make this easy for you, Harry. You're clearly in distress."

"So what? Forced mind-healer appointments?" he growled, meeting her eyes briefly.

"No, of course not. I want to know what would help you... feel more comfortable."

"Nothing does. That's the problem."

"I find that hard to believe. You defended Joel to the whole board and you were... you."

Harry frowned. "I'm... that's different. He needed help. It's the same with my patients. But when people have the ability to hurt me...."

"You think I will hurt you?" she asked, pointedly.

"You have... before," he murmured.

She frowned. Those first years when Harry was under her weren't pleasant as he kept trying to heal people wandlessly and didn't listen to her. She yelled a lot and put him on the report. The head healer removed him from her power. Harry knew it wasn't a targeted attack. She was frustrated by his inability to explain himself and he would shut down when confronted.

"Harry, I'm so sor-"

"You don't have to apologize, again. You couldn't have known. I was trying to pretend I was... fine."

"Still... but Harry, I know, now. You just let me know what I can do to help you."

"Just... don't make me see a mind healer or make me go home."

Susan nodded. "I can't promise I won't ever send you home if something big happens but... if your friends say that you are okay, I will let you stay."

"Okay," he said.

"That being said, if there's anything else. Please ask, alright?" she said and he nodded. "Okay... now's it just this problem." She inclined her head to the pile on his desk.

Harry frowned. "Okay, I'll read them all."

"It's not just that. You need to catch up on your paperwork and case files. I think a more permanent solution is needed."

Harry met her eyes, warily. "Yeah?"

"Harper is coming off suspension, but the board doesn't want him around patients until the MMMB is done investigating. Could he work as your assistant until he's cleared?"

"Assistant?"

"He will make sure you know where you need to be, read and reply your mail, and organize your schedule, but if you don't like him...."

"No, it's fine, but... is the hospital going to pay for me to have an assistant?"

"Harry, you treat more patients daily than most healers do a month. You are a top-tier healer, remember?"

"What happens when Harper is cleared?"

"He can transfer off your service, of course. Another option is the healer training program. They could work under you as Joel did."

"Okay, we can cross that bridge when we get there. But Harper is friends with Draco."

"Yes?"

"He should be allowed to visit him."

"Yes, that's fine. I'll grant him that. Harper can meet and greet your patients as well, just no intake exams, prep spells, or potions administration."

"Okay, thanks."

Susan nodded and then looked at him, curious. "And how is Malfoy?"

Harry arched an eyebrow. "His case is... private."

Susan gave him a look. "You do know that I was there at his intake and did his initial scan, right?"

Harry had guessed that, but he hadn't read any of her reports. He only trusted his assessments. "Yeah, but...."

"Harry, I wasn't asking for exact details. I knew-know Malfoy, too. Don't think I wasn't as shocked at his condition as you were. I did order the mental health assessment and prescribed pain potions. I wasn't aware that his... probation officer had countermanded them. I suspended Healer Jefferies for a week and ordered re-training when I heard you threw McGrath out and why."

"Huh," he said, having not considered that.

"I'm sorry that it happened, and Malfoy is within his rights to sue Jefferies, myself and the hospital."

"I don't think he will... at least you."

"I can take it, if it comes to it. I... I actually wasn't sure I should send him to you, with your hi온라인카지노게임, but you were the right healer for him. The perfect person to reach him."

He felt something stir. "Draco's starting to walk, again," Harry murmured.

Susan smiled. "Harry, you did-are doing a great job. Not just with Malfoy, but all of your patients. You're the best healer for physical injuries in the hospital, if not the world. I'm sorry I was so hard on you in the Emergency Ward. There was more than just healing people there. You didn't belong there, but you do here. When you are ready, I want you to consider... a more active role in the training department."

"Me?"

"Yes, you, silly. You've always been a great teacher, Harry. Joel was far below his peers before he came to your department, and he found his niche. They are still looking for someone to oversee the program with Pratt gone."

"No," Harry whispered and looked away. "I can't."

Susan looked at him, waiting for him to answer.

"There's... too many... people. I can't... handle it," he admitted, ashamed.

She grimaced. "I see. We can make accommodations, too. Even if you're just an advisor... with trainees that Joel and I vet. I certainly don't want to pressure you, and there's no rush. So please think about it."

"I will... but when Draco is well enough... I'll need some time off," Harry mumbled.

"Take all the time you need. We can cut your hours and days, if you want."

Harry nodded.

"Harry, I hope you don't mind me saying this... but... I hope it gets better for you."

He looked at her, unsure of what to say.

"You've been through so much, and I'm sorry for being a bitch when you were in Emergency. But I will always back you, Harry. I hope we can be friends, again."

Harry swallowed. "I do, too. I know I wasn't easy to deal with then. It was bad then, and I never really listened to anyone."

"You cared about your patients, though. I noticed... though there was that one time that you decided that a poisoned patient's 12-year-old broken wrist needed to be re-healed, instead of sending them to the potions ward," she said, exasperated, again.

Harry chuckled. "Yeah, I remember that."

"You were the most... unruly healer I ever had. Not to mention you picked fights with every senior healer that walked by you. Some things never change."

Harry nodded. "Some things... yes, but I'm different."

"We all are, Harry. Experiences change us, good and bad."

He nodded and didn't meet her eyes. She seemed to realize that she had said the wrong thing and tried to apologize, again. He interrupted, "Don't."

She stood up. "I'm here for you, Harry. You have a lot of friends here, and I will help you in any way that I can, alright?"

He nodded, but didn't look at her. "Thanks."

"Very well, I'll be going, Harry," she said, walking toward the door.

"Susan?" he said, wishing he hadn't stopped her. He kept his eyes on the floor.

"Yeah?"

"I s-stopped drinking. I know Higgs was...spreading rumors of it... but I stopped. It... never affected my work. I just... wanted to sleep," he said, admitting more than he ever had to someone who wasn't in his immediate circle of friends.

She came closer. "I never thought it did... and I'm glad you stopped. I get nightmares, too, from the war... and Hogwarts that last year. I had to use potions to go back to sleep. I understand completely, Harry. Thank you for telling me. I-I really hope that we can be friends, again, and I want you to know that I always supported you, Harry. Even when I was yelling at you. I did endorse your own separate department back then. I knew you were a great healer in your own way."

He slowly met her eyes, and there was no judgment in them. She was still the same friend from Hogwarts who had fought side-by-side with him at the Battle. He knew that she was on his side and he could trust her.

Sorry all, between two jobs and family time, it's been rough. Been getting like 5 hours of sleep for weeks, so I usually pass out as soon as I start writing. Sleep debt is real, sigh.