ONLY ANGEL | JJ MAYBANK

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

•••

It's funny how things sometimes come into full circle. For Collins, it didn't always seem to be that way.

So many things in her life had gone unfinished that it was hard to believe that an end was even possible.

Take her mom for example, who never got to live the full extent of her life that was to be expected. Her time on Earth had been cut short with so many things left undone or unseen; she never got to see her kids graduate high-school, never got to attend their weddings, and she will never hold her grandchildren in her arms. So many milestones missed because of a couple chemicals that her body couldn't bear to live without and because of that, there was an empty hole in their futures that could've been filled if she'd made a couple of wiser choices.

Collins supposed that she could say that after the death of her mom, she'd sort of come full circle, or as close of a stretch to one as she could get and not in a good way. From as early of an age as she could remember, Collins didn't exactly have parents- at least, not in the manner as most other kids did. Her parents were there, but they weren't doting, they weren't involved, they didn't care like parents should. As a little kid, Collins had felt like living under one household with her parents had been more as like cohabitaters as opposed to a true family. She lived at home and her mom and dad were still around, but they didn't really treat her like their own flesh and blood.

Then there were sporadic points in time during her childhood when Collins had felt loved and appreciated by her parents when they took the time to surprise her with little gifts; nothing crazy, just little things that made them think of her. It felt good to know that she crossed their minds sometimes, that she didn't have to stand in front of them to remind them that she existed. So not only was Collins invisible at school, but at home, too. Back then, being regarded was a greater gift than the actual gifts they'd given her.

But it was at that period of her life where Collins had once believed that there was hope for her parents. They could become better caregivers if they just put in the work, little by little. They were at a good start with the toys and the doting smiles, they just needed to ease their way up.

Only, the course of events hadn't fallen that way they should've and Collins and Charlie were left parent-less. And so things had come full circle; Collins had started with a neglectful mother and father from birth and fast-forward to the present, she still couldn't depend on them. Not when her mom wasn't even alive for redemption and she had zero faith that her dad was capable of such a thing. He'd left them almost immediately after they'd lost their mom, anyone who could just abandon their kids at a time like that couldn't possibly prove themself to be anything other than a deadbeat.

It had turned out to be what was best for Collins and Charlie, their dad leaving them. Maybe that was the whole point. He realized he couldn't be a good parent to them when he was with their mom even when she was sober let alone when she was high, it was a hopeless case that he could ever be a good dad. They were better off without both of them. She and Charlie had survived thus far, and they were much happier now that they didn't have to tiptoe around their parent's addictions. Collins had learned how to live without them, she'd gotten that idea down before they'd even actually left her.

And now, here Collins is, tucked in the corner of John B's van, unable to speak a word while JJ steers them to who knows where, still in a burning rage after what they'd been through. She doesn't know what to say or what to do because he wasn't acting like the person she'd had countless conversations with. He's almost acting like her mom when she was itching for a fix or her dad when he spilt beer. He's erratic, he's angry, he's impulsive and unpredictable. Collins doesn't know what to do except stay out of his line of fire.

She curled up against the seat and looked out the window as the car drove up and shook from the tires rolling on uneven ground.

"Welcome to crackhead wasteland." Sarah murmured across from her, looking out the window with an aversed grimace.

Collins didn't respond, too busy watching JJ in the rearview mirrow with timid eyes, while studying his which had a hardness to them. He was so focused, so intent on whatever plan he'd concocted in his mind and wasn't sharing with them. Collins had never been so scared of such determination.

He pulled the car into park with a slight lurch once they arrived at their destination. John B stared over at JJ from the passenger side, treading lightly. "What are we doing at Barry's?" He asked, only to recieve no answer.

JJ got out the car, slamming the door behind him and stormed across the yard without a word.

Pope opened the back door to watch as the blond boy disappeared into the house. Collins didn't move from where she was, no one really did, but from where she sat she still has a good view of the house and its exterior. Once the wires connected in her brain and she understood where she's seen this house before, Collins felt her mouth go dry and her body go rigid.

Full circle. She's back at this house.

Her mind is suddenly bombarded with memories of her mother dragging her all the way up to the front door, not even caring that she was bruising Collins's wrist with her tight grip, and pounding hard enough on the siding to shake the cheap paint off and get her dealer's attention. Then once she's allowed inside, Collins is sat on the musty smelling couch while her mom begs for drugs and powders her nose with hallucinogenics. All the while, Collins can't hear a single thing except for her heart in her chest because she's watching her mom break sobriety and revert back to the person she hated.

Her mom's eyes roll into the back of her head and she releases a slow and euphoric sigh before falling into the couch. Her dealer leaves the room to answer a phone call, and Collins can hear him yelling at someone through the thin walls, swears and threats spilling out of his mouth like thread from a spool. And she's terrified, because she doesn't know where she is and the only person she thought could keep her safe isn't even conscious anymore.

It doesn't matter that JJ's gone inside and Collins knows he wouldn't be searching for drugs. She still doesn't know what he actually is looking for and she can't help but feel scared that he'll come out with bags of powder like it's what he'd wanted all along. Just like her mom did.

Full circle: the last drug dealer that lived in this house is replaced by a new one. Full circle: Collins trades her mother's erraticism for JJ's.

She lifted her hand up to cover her mouth while clenching her teeth so hard it's a miracle she hasn't broken them. Everyone else is still looking in the same direction after JJ, unsure of how exactly to go about this situation.

"You know, someone should probably go after him." Kie stated.

Quickly nodding, John B climbed out of the vehicle. "Yeah, I got it." He walked into the house and the screen door snapped shut behind him, making Collins wince at the noise.

She tried to bury herself further back in the corner of the van, but it's physically impossible. She can't put anymore distance between her and that house. She resorts to closing her eyes, trying to push the image of it out of her mind but failing to when all it does it give her flashbacks of her mom swaying back and forth on the couch after a bump. She looks almost sick while she slips in and out consciousness and Collins has this crippling fear that she's not going to wake up. And then she's reminded that on one separate occasion shortly after that memory, that her mom actually didn't wake up.

It was the first time Collins had ever witnessed the root of her mothers addiction. Before, she'd only seen the deals when the scary man came to their house, then afterwards when Collins peered around corners and caught a glimpse of her mother rolling up a dollar bill. But then, she was there where the dealer lived, where his colleagues roamed, where all that illegal paraphernalia sat, and she was so out of place, so afraid of what was going on and too scared to move a muscle that could take her out of that place.

"Collins." A voice calls to her, pulling her back to reality. She opened her eyes and Kie is staring at her from outside the van. The others had gotten out in the span of time that Collins had been lost in her head and she hadn't realized it. Kie looked at her with a concerned expression on her face. "You coming out with us?"

Swallowing thickly, Collins managed to shake her head. She hugged her knees close to her chest and whispered, "No."

She knows she shouldn't be so affected by this house, by this memory. She should be worried about JJ and the fact that something was clearly going on with him and she should be helping everyone by getting to the bottom of it.

But what can she do? He's not going to listen to her, he could barely hear her when they'd had a gun pointed at them and she'd pleaded for him to follow orders before he got himself killed. Collins doesn't have the power to snap whatever this was out of him. She doesn't even have the power to pull herself back together.

Against what Collins had hoped Kie would do, the girl climbed in and crawled over to her so that she was kneeling in front of Collins. "Talk to me. What's going through your head right now?"

Biting her lip to stop it from quivering, Collins muttered, "I can't be here."

"Because of what happened earlier? Is it JJ? Are you scared for him, is that what this is about?"

Collins doesn't respond. It's neither of those things, but at the same time, it's both of them and then some at once. And she can't bring herself to explain her hi온라인카지노게임 with this place to Kie because it's like she can't physically formulate the words that she needs to. If only there was a way for Kie to just know, that way she wouldn't have to tell this 온라인카지노게임 out loud and try to compose herself while doing it. The only person who would most likely be able to understand why she was acting this way, is JJ. She wouldn't have to delve into details because he would have heard the 온라인카지노게임 before. In any other given situation, she was sure he'd be sitting where Kie was and he'd be the one comforting her. It's unfortunate that that particular situation isn't the case.

Realizing that she isn't going to get anything out of Collins, Kie clamps her mouth shut and sits back with a defeated look. She still withholds her concern for Collins, but fails to know how to approach the situation. They were still in the early stages of their friendship with Collins so she didn't know how to talk when Collins is acting this way.

So Kie just sat there with Collins, not making a sound, but making her presence known and acknowledgeable. Even if she didn't know what it was that Collins needed to hear and if she couldn't get Collins to tell her what was wrong, the least Kie could do was be ready for when she finally decided to open up.

The sound of heavy footsteps trudging through the gravel alerted them that either John B or JJ had emerged out from the house. "All right, so we're looking at five grand each for reparations for putting us through that bullshit. Sorry 'bout that y'all."

The two girls both looked up to see JJ with a fist full of cash in his hands and an unfamiliar looking duffle hanging on his arm that had more dollar bills peeking out of it. He counted the money nonchalantly while his friends stared incredulously at him.

"So that's what we're doing now? We're robbing drug dealers?" Kie shook her head in disbelief.

With a worried expression on her face, Sarah chimed, "This Barry guy's gonna find out. And he's gonna come after us."

Still inside the van, Collins bit her cheek so hard she winced at the pain and tasted blood. How much worse would their encounter with Barry be the second time around if their first one was already traumatic enough? The only thing worse than being held at gunpoint is being held at gunpoint when the perpetrator's finger pulls the trigger. Collins feared that that was what their future entailed if Barry came home to his missing stash.

"This is not the time to start wilin' out." Pope protested.

"How'd you like getting a gun pulled on you?" JJ shot back in irritation. He looked at each of them before he pointed his finger between John B's eyes and said, "He had it right here on you, bro."

"Look, we've gotta go get the gold, okay? Just give me that shit. We're putting it back." John B tried snatching the bag out from JJ's grip, but the boy reacted by grabbing John B by the shoulders and throwing him into the side of the van. "Do you feel like a tough guy? What are you gonna do when he comes for us?"

"We punch him in the throat." The blond haired boy seethed.

"Yeah, good fucking idea, JJ." John B said sarcastically.

"I'm not putting it back." JJ shook his head and pulled the bag back into his grasp before retreating into the back of the van. Everyone was silent as they watched him.

It was only Collins in there with him, still in the same spot where she hadn't moved a single muscle. All she did was look down at the floor, not even paying him any attention or speaking any word of reasoning with him. She could've at least tried and asked him to think about what he was doing. He had to know he was in the wrong for this; he was just too angry to admit it. If she could've just pushed him to try and see that then maybe there was a chance at getting him to do the right thing, to realize that his friends were right. The devil on his shoulder was whispering troublemaking thoughts in his ear, but Collins could've been the voice of an angel willing to bring him back to good.

But Collins didn't say or do anything. She was numb to it all, void of any energy to put towards any effort required of her to set JJ straight. And refusing to act as accomplices to JJ's wrongdoings, the rest of his friends remained where they stood outside of the van. JJ paused for a moment, pursed his lips, and looked up at them. He scanned the faces of first John B, all the way to Kie on the opposite side of him, then finally, his gaze landed on Collins in the car just a couple of feet away from him. She averted her eyes and kept them trained down on the floor. What was she supposed to do? She couldn't fight against him and she couldn't follow him. She was a mere fly on the wall in that moment, and more than anything did she wish someone would take a fly swatter out on her and snap her out of this vacancy taking its toll on her.

Jumping out of the van, JJ stood in front of his friends and waited expectantly for them to say something more to him. They had more to say so they might as well just get it out.

"We're sick of your shit." John B told him bluntly.

JJ immediately raised his brows and scoffed bitterly. "Oh! My shit?"

"Yes, your pulling guns on people shit. Look at Collins for crying out loud! Can't you see what you're doing to her?" Kie gestured pointedly at Collins, still in deep concern for the girl. She was concerned about JJ, too, but he was also pissing her off. He wasn't thinking about how this was going to affect them-- all of them. 

"You're acting like a freaking maniac." Pope added.

"Pope! I took the fall for you, man!" JJ cried in protest. "Do you know how much money I owe because of you?"

"I'm gonna pay you back and I didn't even ask you to do that!" Pope shot back.

"I just did!" JJ shouted. "Pay it back. Right here, right now, by myself. You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Go off, by myself."

Grabbing his stuff to take with him, JJ threw the bag over his shoulder and started walking off alone towards the main road. Pope moved to follow after him, but John B put a hand on his shoulder to stop him, and just shook his head. It was clear that JJ was in no state to be swayed to think rationally.

For the first time since they'd arrived, Collins found it in her to finally push herself up and scoot away from the spot she'd previously been glued to. She leaned over to push the curtain back so she could look through the window at the rear of the vehicle. She was able to make out the image of JJ stomping away through the water stained glass, staring desolately after him. A sharp pain struck her in the chest and Collins suddenly felt deep regret for not saying anything before.

He just needed to talk to them. It's clear that it's not to just the fact they were terrorized by a drug dealer that's affecting him, his outburst had proven that there were so many other things plaguing his life. They were trying to sell that gold to that shady pawn shop because they needed the money with no questions asked as to how they'd gotten such a large amount of it. JJ needed the money the soonest out of all of them, because he had debts to pay and like Collins remembered him saying one night, his father wasn't happy about that.

He wouldn't go back to his house, right? Not when he'd been staking out at John B's place the past couple of nights to escape his father's abuse. Except, that then raises the question of where exactly does JJ go when his safe haven is no longer an option when he and John B aren't on good terms?

Collins had failed to be the good friend she'd told herself she would be if she were to ever have any. JJ had trusted her with precious information, a secret about his father that possibly no one else may know. Were his other friends aware of his home life? She felt like they'd have to be, seeing as how long they'd been friends with JJ. They'd have to be suspicious of why he preferred spending the night at John B's like he was avoiding going home, the marks on his body. The fact that Collins was one of the individuals that JJ had felt safe enough to disclose his abuse to, placed a responsibility on her that she should do everything in her power to protect him. Even if that wasn't JJ's intention when he'd told her, if anything happened to him because of her negligence, she didn't know how on Earth she'd be able to forgive herself.

She'd been at this house before, the first time with her mother under somewhat different circumstances. Like JJ, she'd been searching for something; not money, but something. Collins's mother was a different person before she got there and she was a different person when she'd left. A person Collins had despised and continued to have been disappointed by, time and time again. Collins didn't want the same thing to happen to JJ. She didn't want that house to take another important person to her. No full circle, not this time.

Everyone else had been getting ready to pile back into the van, letting JJ blow of some steam. They also wanted to get the hell out of there before whoever stalks around a drug dealers house showed up.

Just as Pope and Kie had climbed into the back, Collins felt her body instinctively move forward until she was clambering over all of the obstacles in her path and jumping out of the vehicle.

"Collins!" One of them yelled at her, but she didn't stop to listen to them question her actions because she was already sprinting in the direction that she'd seen JJ heading off to.

Her feet pounded against the gravel to dirt ground, catching a glimpse of JJ's figure in the near distance with determination in each and every step he took. Once she'd gotten close enough to, Collins called out, "JJ."

He slowed down, but didn't stop, nor did he turn around right away. At the very least he allowed her to catch up. Coming around until she was directly in front of him, Collins was breathless from the run over. Her eyes met his and it was probably one of the saddest moments of her life. Because for the first time since she'd really gotten to know him, it was like JJ was seeing right through her. In that instance, she wasn't his confidant, she wasn't his friend, she wasn't even a stranger to him; she was nothing. No feelings were felt at the sight of her, not even a hint of fondness. Collins felt like someone had grabbed a hold of her heart and was twisting it in their hands like a wet rag.

"Don't go home." Collins said clearly, speaking the only words she for sure knew she wanted him to hear. And she stood in front of him with her feet planted into the earth and her fists clenched tightly at her sides.

At her demand, there was a minuscule flinch in JJ's expression that suggested he was slightly taken aback by Collins's statement. Like out of everything he could've expected her to say, those were the very last. His face quickly morphed back into its hard set resting place, maintaining his impermeable facade. "Go away, Collins."

He moved to brush past her, but Collins stepped in front of him and stood her ground. Face to face with each other, it was the coldest interaction to date between the two of them. JJ looked down at her like he was not in any mood to be messed with, no matter who the instigator was. Meanwhile, Collins stared up at him as though she were ready to fight back against anything he threw at her.

"I'm not going to leave you if you're going back there." She tried keeping her voice from cracking, but an inkling of one escaped her and caught the tail end of her sentence. She didn't want to show anything other than complete and utter rigor, but Collins has always been a terrible actress.

"What don't you understand?" JJ asked her in annoyance. "I don't want you here. Go back to where you came from."

"Your dad's just gonna hurt you again." Collins said, her face twisting at the very plausible notion. His wounds had barely had any time to heal since the last time he'd taken a beating. He didn't need to subject himself to more pain. "I'm not just gonna let you go back there, knowing what I know."

"I didn't tell you that so you could feel sorry for me." JJ hissed through clenched teeth. "I don't need anyone to feel sorry about my life. And I certainly don't need you telling me what to do to ease your own conscience."

"I'm not doing this to make myself feel better." Collins protested, almost angry that he would say such a thing. She had to remind herself that this was another person speaking to her. This person wanted to do everything in their power to shake her off, to spew mean words and hurt her feelings. That was who she was talking to, not the JJ she was familiar with who gave her random compliments out of thin air and always looked at her with a smile. If anything, she had to keep that JJ in her thoughts in order to keep fighting to get him back.

"If it's not what you're here for then just leave. You're not getting anything else by staying." JJ powered his way past her, not giving her a second chance to block him this time.

"If holding onto you like this keeps you from going back home then I'm not letting go." Collins insisted, following next to him. "If that's where you're headed, I'm coming with you."

"The hell you are." JJ snapped harshly, almost scaring Collins into stopping. There was hostility in his voice and when he'd spoken, he'd jumped a little bit towards her like a dog lunging at a hand moving to steal its food with snapping jaws and snarling teeth.

He'd meant it as refusal to let her anywhere near his volatile father. JJ didn't care if he got hit, but if Collins were to somehow get caught in the crossfire, there was no telling what he'd do. Not only did JJ not want Collins to witness his father's malice firsthand, but he didn't ever want her getting hurt because of him, ever again. After Rafe, he'd promised himself to do better to protect her. Barry had nearly broken that promise when he'd shoved a gun in her face and JJ had made himself a human shield to keep her safe. And now, JJ was protecting her by being a complete asshole and turning her away from following him home. It wasn't his intention to treat her this way, but this was what his compulsion to protect her was manifesting itself as.

His explosion had startled her for a moment, brought fear into her body of being struck by his hands. The fear had only been felt for a few seconds, before disappearing as quickly as it had come. Of course JJ would never hurt her, she knew that. It was just a spur of the moment where her judgement wavered and the part of her brain that senses danger detected potential harm. But the part of her that knew JJ, knew that his intentions would never be to hurt her, overruled that radar for danger.

Unfortunately, that fear hadn't come and gone quickly enough for it to not show on her face. A flash of wide-eyed alarm crossed Collins's expression before slipping back to neutrality. However, it was just long enough for JJ to see and notice it, sending a shooting beam of shame into his body. It was the kind of look that he'd sometimes catch a glimpse of in the mirror when his dad raised his hand at him.

If he wasn't in such a hot-tempered mood, he probably would've apologized immediately. But his rage was too strong for the regret to override his emotions and allow him to admit fault. This was for the best. If this was what it took to keep her away, then so be it.

"I'll never forgive you if you follow me." JJ told her more quietly; still cold and withdrawn in his tone. "I should have never told you that in the first place. It was a mistake."

It felt like another punch in the gut without any actual physical contact. Collins felt the urge to burst into tears more greatly than ever before, even when she'd realized where Barry's house was. At this point, she didn't even care if she started crying, JJ was more important than keeping up a strong front.

Grabbing him by the arm, Collins clutched his limb firmly in her hands, looking up at him with desperation in her eyes. "Then stay with me. You don't have to go back there, we can just go somewhere else. We'll figure out what to do with the money later, but just please, JJ, don't go home. Please, don't go."

The first few tears finally fell from her brown eyes, sliding down her face and falling to the ground like the saddest rain. JJ was only able to look at her for a couple of seconds because it was too hard to hold his ground when she was begging him to relent and that was the one thing that JJ couldn't do. He couldn't go with Collins when his one chance of actually earning his father's respect was in his hands. If his dad knew that he'd gotten the money to pay of the restitution, then maybe he wouldn't be so hard on him and he could come back home. As much as he wanted to give Collins what she wanted, he had to be selfish and do this for himself.

Tearing his arm out of her grasp, JJ looked at Collins's tear-streaked cheeks and appeared unfazed. "Don't follow me."

With finality in his voice, JJ turned back to face forward, continuing down the path he had been walking down before Collins had joined him. And this time, she didn't stop him. Collins was left alone, crying as she watched JJ leave her behind.

And JJ did everything in his power to not look back and throw everything he'd just said and done out the window, even though it would've probably been the only right thing to do.

•••

Collins trudged into her house tired and drained from the day's events. The walk from Barry's house had made her ill with the recollection of the first time she'd made that walk with her mom. Then to top all that off, everything with JJ had exhausted her even further, especially given that their interaction was a complete and utter failure. It truly had not been a good day for anyone all around.

Once she'd stepped foot through the front door, Collins made a beeline for the kitchen, nearly stumbling towards the sink to turn it on and ducking her chin to drink straight under the faucet. She gulped down mouthfuls of water, underneath the head of the sink for so long that she had to come up from air and was soon panting breathlessly while slumped over the counter.

Closing her eyes, Collins tried to block out everything that had happened within the last six hours. Her day had started off so normal. It was hard to comprehend how downhill things had gone and the day wasn't even over.

In that instance, all Collins wanted to do was bury herself under layers upon layers of blankets and then just sleep like the rest of the world didn't exist to her. Not only was she void of any energy to do anything else, but she had given up hope on even trying. So that's what Collins did; she wiped the water around her mouth off with her arm and retreated to her bedroom where she kicked off her shoes and fell into bed.

Tucked under the covers and laying with her head half hidden beneath pillows and half resting on top of them, Collins finally just closed her eyes and waited for sleep to take over her body. It didn't take long before she had fallen into a deep slumber. It was easy when the house was quiet and sleep had become her only escape from reality. At least when she was napping she didn't have to think so hard; she could just rest without any responsibility or conflictions weighing on her.

She trusted her body to know when it was done restoring its strength and didn't have any sort of alarm set for her to wake up to. This was exactly what Collins needed; a reset. And who was she to deny herself of the alleviation from all the things that had been causing her stress. She couldn't worry about hidden treasures when she wasn't awake; she didn't have to try and solve her boy troubles in stage 3 NREM sleep or revisit the trauma her mother's addiction had inflicted on her. She sure as hell didn't have to think about the fact that she'd been pushing back her to-do list of ACT prep and scholarship essay writing that needed to be done but she'd been too busy to get to with all of the other wildness going on in her life.

Collins was taking full advantage of this nap. This was the nice part about only living with Charlie and him working for the majority of the day-- zero disturbances. Although, it probably wouldn't have even mattered if Charlie had the day off anyways, because Collins's body had clearly been so desperate for sleep that she hadn't woken up when he'd come home slamming doors, stomping his boots, and whistling a tune.

Seeing her shoes haphazardly kicked off near her bedroom, Charlie curiously peeked through the crack in the door and was slightly surprised to see his sister knocked out cold like Goldilocks in baby bear's bed. He was more careful about the noise he made after seeing her, tiptoeing through the house while he fixed something for dinner.

Once he'd finished cooking, Charlie slowly carried two plates of freshly roasted hot dogs between white buns and brought it into Collins's room. Placing one plate at the foot of her bed, Charlie took the second plate and waved it next to Collins's nose, trying to prompt her out of her sleep with the smell of her favorite food.

Stirring underneathe her comforter, Collins groggy from her rest and struggled to open her eyes. Prying one eye wide enough to see, Collins examined the plate that Charlie was practically shoving in her face and smiled weakly. "My favorite." She grumbled.

"I know." Charlie said smugly, laying the food down next to her before going to grab his helping. With each of them holding a hot dog in hand, they ceremoniously tapped the two against each other before digging in.

Taking a humble bite out of hers, Collins chewed appreciatively, savoring the flavors. "Is a hot dog a sandwich or is it a taco? It's open to toppings like a taco, consumed in the same manner as tacos, but it's between bread so can it really be classified as a taco?"

"Having nothing in common aside from structure does not make a taco. Tortilla and white bread are two separate ingredients." Charlie argued with a mouth full.

"Fair enough." Collins stated, giving him a small shrug.

"How was your day?" Charlie asked nonchalantly, trying to engage in small talk with Collins while being completely unaware of the box he was opening with such a simple question.

Trying to think of a good response, Collins thought hard about what exactly she could tell Charlie. She couldn't tell him anything about the gold and how it had led them to be attacked by Barry, then how that therein led to JJ's impulsiveness and her defeat in trying to protect him. Her feelings were hurt in the process, but there was no way in hell that Collins would ever tell her brother that unless she wanted him blowing the whole situation out of proportion and taking matters that he had no business being involved in into his own hands.

So Collins contemplated a little bit more on her answer, thinking carefully about the next words that left her mouth. "I thought about Mom today." She finally said. At least this way she could talk to Charlie about something. She didn't have to go into all the details on how the topic had arisen, but she could at least communicate with him on how those thoughts had affected her. She had to give credit where it was due and address that Kie had tried to get it out of her, but perhaps if Collins had told her all about her hi온라인카지노게임 before then it would've been easier to be comforted. She had just been too distraught to explain it in the moment. That's why if there was anyone she could talk to about her mom, of course it would be her brother.

Stopping mid-chew while he absorbed her response, Charlie slowly started moving his jaw until he was able to swallow back the food in his mouth without choking on it. "What about her?" He questioned attentively.

"Her last relapse mostly. How much it hurt watching her change. How I've been telling myself for so long that we're better off now that she's gone but if we could've had her when she was sober I don't think we could've lived without her."

Charlie sat by Collins's feet and let his hot dog get cold on his plate. He took in everything that she'd said and ran it over in his head a couple of times. "Maybe." He said simply.

"You disagree?" Collins asked, raising her brow inquisitively.

Shrugging his shoulders, Charlie mulled over it a little while longer. "We can't hang on to the idea of what we think life could've been like if Mom wasn't addicted to coke. Bottom line is that what counts is what she did in this life, and in this life, she made the wrong decisions. I do think we're better off without her, and even though I'd like to think about how good it would've been if she'd stayed clean, I'd rather just appreciate the times when she actually was."

"And what about Dad, then? There's still a possibility that he could come back. If he stopped drinking, would you let him stay?" Collins hadn't asked a question like that since she was young. Back then, she was hopeful that their dad would return and often bugged Charlie with her many 'what if's. She wondered now if his answer had changed since then.

"No." Charlie said firmly, sort of surprising Collins as the words left his mouth. "I like what we've got going on now. Dad coming back would just feel... I don't know, like we'd be moving backwards. I don't want to have to worry about whether or not he's gonna fall off the wagon one day. We've already got a good system just the two of us, adding Dad back into the equation would just be confusing. You and me have always taken care of each other, since the very beginning. Why ruin it?"

Because he's our dad. Collins thought to herself. She didn't dare speak them out loud, but the point still remained. Maybe Charlie had just grown too far out of it, but having a dad around could be sort of nurturing. At least their house would have some sort of familial familiarity to it. That's not to say that she wasn't content with the way things were, it just didn't sound so bad to her when she thought of it from the perspective that they'd at least have more help around the house. If their dad put in the effort, why refuse?

Nibbling on the bun of her hot dog with a pensive look on her face, Collins thought more about the other issues that had been wracking her brain. "I feel like I'm in a place in my life where nothing feels possible anymore." She shared with Charlie vulnerably. "Nothing ever seems to go right and the world feels so much crueler than I used to think it was. Is that a normal side-effect of adolescence to think those things or is it just me?"

"Are you doing okay, Colls?" Charlie asked in deep concern. This was an oddly glum conversation taking place between the two of them and it was raising some serious red flags for him that he felt he should probably get to the bottom of.

Smiling meekly, Collins half-heartedly chuckled. "That must be a 'no' on the adolescence option then, huh? So it's just me."

"No, that's not what I'm saying." Charlie said, shaking his head. "I was in the same mindset you are in when I was sixteen and I wish someone had asked me that same question. So just be honest with me. Why do you think that?"

Maybe one day, when the consequences of telling Charlie the truth didn't matter anymore, could Collins then tell him everything that was on her mind. She could tell him and he could freak out for a half-second about it, then realize that she was still sitting in front of him, older and wiser, and maybe even laugh at the pure madness of it all. But they weren't at that stage in their lives yet, and telling Charlie everything that she and her friends had been going through would just be more trouble than it was worth. Even though it would probably make her feel better to get it off her chest, Collins would just have to deal with carrying the weight.

"I have a friend that's in trouble and I don't know how to help them. Can you help me with that?" Collins raised her brows at Charlie. If it was advice he was looking to give then she was going to be open to receive. It would also give her a chance to deflect the focus off of her.

"Can I get any context with that? Starting with a who, what, where, and when?"

Collins looked down and sighed softly. Now she had a dilemma on whether or not she should tell Charlie about JJ. It didn't feel right given that it wasn't her problem to share. JJ had already had a hard enough time telling her, so Collins was sure that he wouldn't want just anyone knowing the dark truth about his life at home.

"This person seems to feel the same way I do; hopeless, pessimistic, lost. They don't seem to want to listen to what their friends say or stop and listen to their own subconscious try and guide them back on track." Collins felt herself get a little bit frustrated as she was talking to Charlie. She was frustrated with JJ for ignoring his friends and at Barry for starting this whole mess in the first place. She hated how things had played out and that she couldn't do a single thing to change it. And above all, she was frustrated by the thought that maybe she wasn't even frustrated at all. "I'm worried about them. I'm worried because I don't want to see them hurt and I hate being around them when they aren't themselves. And now I feel like a horrible friend because I let them go back to a dangerous environment which I knew was dangerous when I let them leave. I'm scared that I'll regret that decision for the rest of my life."

With all of her admissions laid out in front of Charlie for him to dissect, Collins swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to maintain her composure. There were only a handful of potential candidates, it wouldn't take much for Charlie to figure out who she was talking about. Her only consolation would be that she never actually told Charlie who she was referring to, he merely came to his own conclusion.

"Everyone's got their own battles, Colls. I have them, you have them, and so does your friend. Some things we can accept help with, but others we just have to take care of ourselves because that's life." Charlie looked over at Collins with a softened gaze. "I know you want to help, Collins, but this might just be a battle that your friend has to fight by themselves. It's just like you and me when I try to protect you and you try to help me. You can't beat yourself up for it, you just gotta be there for them to nurse them back to health afterwards."

Taking in the gravity of Charlie's advice, Collins stayed quiet and basked in the silence between her and her brother. Her room had always been the homiest room in the house. It wasn't saying much seeing as it was the only bedroom, but compared to the other, it was more comforting. Sitting there with Charlie felt comfortable, safe, warm. Thinking back on the advice he'd given her, Collins was put somewhat more at ease as she fully comprehended what he meant.

She still felt a knot in her stomach over the whole ordeal with JJ. If Charlie knew how dangerous JJ's dad was, would he still feel the same? In a way, Charlie could've still been right. JJ was persistent, no one had been able to shake him out of his rampage. Whatever it was that he had planned to do at his house that he refused to let Collins bear witness to, it had to have been something he needed to do alone. He was fighting his own battle, and she had to let him, despite the fact that it was tearing every living tissue in her body apart not knowing whether or not he was okay.

"It's been a couple of hours. Do you think the fight is over?" Collins looked at Charlie warily. It was dark now, surely she'd slept long enough for JJ to be ready to talk.

"I saw some lights going up by John B's place. I think if you head over there, you'll find that everything is just fine." Charlie smiled tightly at her, encouraging her to stay optimistic.

Collins returned the gesture, shoving the last bite of her food into her mouth out of nervous habit to ease some of the anxiety in her. She chewed until she could swallow the food down, then took a deep breath. Immediately she regretted ever eating in the first place as a wave of nausea washed over her at the realization that she was about to go see JJ, and she feared what she might encounter in doing so.