Healing Draco Malfoy

Chapter 35

Trigger Warning: suicide idealization

Harry was shaking. He wasn't sure if it was from the cold, or how drunk he was. Calming Draughts tend to amplify when taken with firewhiskey. A little late to worry about that now, as he took another swig straight from the bottle. Tears came out as he realized how pathetic and shameful it was to be here, drunk and crying, at his parents' graves in the middle of the night. He sunk to the ground as he sat and stared at their headstone.

He took another drink. He hadn't even realized that he Apparated here, but Ron and Hermione would be looking for him. His list of places to hide was gone. Teddy's, Molly's, and his house would be the first checked. He couldn't stand the idea of being around strangers, and who would come to a cemetery in the middle of the night? drunk-him reasoned. Drunk-him was an idiot. He took another long drink.

He hadn't come back here since the war. He shivered again, recalling the images of his parents, Remus and Sirius, before he died. They said he was brave. They were proud of him.

"Yeh're not proud o' me anymore, are yeh?" Harry slurred, rocking back and forth. "How can you be? I'm a coward. A drunk, alcoholic weakling."

He set the bottle down and buried his face in his hands, as more tears poured out. Merlin, he really was such a fucking weakling. Things were so much simpler on that walk into the forest. Death awaited. Hell, Sirius, Remus and his parents were welcoming him to join them. He was supposed to die. That had been everyone's plan since before he was fucking born. His life should have ended at the end of Voldemort's wand. But no, he, the Chosen Fuck-Up, had to come back for more pain. He grabbed his bottle for another large swig.

"I shouldna have come back..." he breathed to them, sobbing as the damning words finally left his lips. It was where his life-long 온라인카지노게임 of pain should have ended. He took another drink.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he lamented. "I tried to be strong. Tried... but I can't anymore. I j-just can't. Everyone will be better withou' me."

"That's not true, Harry," a voice suddenly said, from behind him.

Harry lurched to his feet and sent a stunner behind him, without looking. It ricocheted off a shield and blasted a nearby tree.

"It's Neville, Harry!" the eavesdropper declared, holding up his hands. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

It took a second, but Harry recognized him. He meant to say something but swayed on the spot from his sudden movement upward. No one had ever seen him this bad before. He was resisting the urge to vomit.

"What... how?" he said, trying to make the world stop spinning.

"We're all worried about you, Harry. We love you, you know that right?"

The world finally settled a little. It dawned on him. Ron and Hermione had sent out for help, and Neville was going to bring him to them. He took a deep breath and tried to think of another safe to jump to, but nothing happened. He opened his eyes confused and tried to turn on the spot, again.

"The Anti-Apparation wards are up, Harry," Neville said, softly. His hands were still up.

Harry's eyes darted to him. "Yeh're tryin' to k-keep me here?" he slurred.

"Harry, you cannot Apparate when you're like this. You could splinch yourself, badly. You could die or wind up anywhere, Harry. Anywhere. Frankly, I'm surprised that you got here okay," Neville said, slowly and deliberately.

Harry blinked. He had been a bit confused about how he got here. He knew he wanted some relief from his pain, a quiet place. But he shook his dazed head and met Neville's eyes. They were full of concern... and knowledge.

"You know," he accused.

Neville nodded. "Ron and Hermione told me, but I knew it was... something. I knew you were hurting."

He snorted and wanted out of this conversation. "Let me go," he growled.

"I'm not going to leave you alone when you're this bad, Harry. I'm your friend."

"I'm not going back," Harry declared and shakes started back up. "Hermione... she's... they...."

"I won't take you to them, Harry, though they're only worried about you," Neville whispered, his hands were still up.

"She can send me back."

Neville's eyes rose up. He didn't understand, but said, "No one will take you anywhere you don't want to go, Harry."

"Just go, I want to be alone."

"I can't, Harry. It's almost freezing, and you can't Apparate. I can take you wherever you want to go. We can go see Draco."

Harry let out a little sob and nearly dropped to the ground. Fucking hell, Draco was probably going out of his mind with worry. Harry started pacing, back and forth, agitated. His mind going to darker thoughts only entertained when he was this trashed. He shouldn't be a fucking healer. He was such a fucking head case. Draco needed someone better than him. He was healed now, anyway. Any healer could do the physical therapy part.

"No... he doesn't need me," he cried.

"Yes, he does," Neville said, a little forceful. "Draco needs you. He really needs you, as a friend and a healer, Harry."

Harry shook his head. "I don't need him to see me like this. He can't know what happened."

"He already knows, Harry. He told me where... they're buried."

Again, Harry looked at his parents' grave, surprised that Draco had known... or remembered that. But Draco knew... and it was all for nothing. He took another long drink. Neville stepped forward, and Harry sent out a repelling hex to push him back, but it too was deflected off him.

"I won't come any closer. Harry, calm down... please give me the bottle. You're pissed enough."

"Obviously, not," he drawled and took another drink. Blackout sounded good to him. He didn't even care if it was here.

"Please?" Neville asked, and then Harry noticed his hands were still in the air.

He was thoroughly tossed, but his brain wasn't completely idled. He looked around, suspiciously, and muttered, "Where's your wand?"

Neville grimaced. "It's in my pocket."

"Who else is here?" he growled, shaking and swaying drunkenly. "That spell was blocked with a Shield Charm."

Neville nodded, a bit impressed at his inebriated deduction. "It's my boyfriend. You can trust him. We did sneak up on you, and he was worried that you might... be agitated."

He was right, too, Harry thought. He didn't like other people around him and was looking around for him.

"He's disillusioned right, now. I can ask him to leave, if you want."

Harry did want that, but what Neville said finally registered. "Boyfriend?"

"Yeah... boyfriend. We've been together for a few years."

"You're gay?"

"Yeah, I've always known."

Harry grimaced. "You never said... anything...."

Neville put his hands down and into his jacket pockets, and he looked at the ground. "I'm not exactly the bravest Gryffindor, am I? Why do you think I was always so nervous around people? That you all would reject me?"

Harry felt the guilt turn in his stomach, knowing Neville thought they wouldn't accept him. "We're your friends. You could have told us."

Neville absently kicked the grass on the ground. "Like you told everyone that you're gay?"

Harry jerked and nearly dropped the bottle of firewhiskey. "I...I...."

"I'm not accusing ya... or I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Harry. But if there's one person who knows exactly how you feel about people knowing things... I do. I've known since school that you weren't... straight."

Harry swayed and swore, looking around for the telltale signs of Disillusionment. He was probably too tossed to see them anyway.

"He's not going to say anything, and he already knew all of this, too. Some of it before I did. He's helped me feel more confident, and I love him. He'll never intentionally hurt you, Harry, but I can ask him to leave. We just didn't want to overwhelm you at once."

Harry said nothing. Neville wouldn't lie to him or hurt him. "I trust you," he said, quietly.

"As I trust you, Harry. I know you want to wallow alone and drunk your pain away... but... please don't. We love you. Draco does, too. He needs you, like you need him. I was with him for only a few minutes, and all he could think about was you."

"I'm so fucked up, Neville. He deserves better."

"No... no, Harry. You're hurting. You're recovering. Like he is. He was scared of me, Harry. He didn't want to look at me, or talk to me. That's you that helped him through this... like he can help you. You're not alone, Harry."

Neville took another step forward, and Harry whispered, "Don't...."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Harry. I promise... I'm here just to help you. I can't let you be alone. Please... please... give me the bottle. You've had enough."

Harry looked down at the bottle. It was his lifeline. It numbed the pain, so he could survive this night. He wanted to fade out... pass out, with no care where he was or what happened. Merlin, he longed for that abyss. He shook his head. He wanted oblivion.

"Harry..." Neville said, stepping closer. He was within grabbing distance, and Harry was resisting the urge to back away. "Harry, please. What if Draco was here?"

Harry winced and tears started welling, again. "He needs someone better than me."

Neville's voice was soft. "He only wants you, Harry. He's never going to get better without you."

"He's healed, now. Any healer can help him," the nasty voice in his head said.

Neville took his hands out of his pockets. "He won't accept anyone else, Harry. He won't even try. He fights you about doing his exercises, right? Do you think that he'll ever let someone else touch him that's not you? Geez, Harry... he's just as scared and traumatized as you are. Don't let his mask make you think otherwise. He was freaking out about what happened, not out of guilt... but worried that you might not come back. Draco won't survive without you, Harry. You know that... right?"

Harry's shoulders dropped. Some part of him knew that. The way that Draco always looked away when stressed and goes in his head to protect himself. Harry shuddered at the image of Draco in the Janus-Thickey Ward, frozen and staring at the wall. How many times did Draco tell him that if it wasn't for him, he'd still be trapped in his head?

"I... I'm sorry," he whispered.

"There's nothing to feel sorry for. I just wanted you to remember... that people need and love you. And we... I don't want you to be alone. I don't want you to keep drinking. You're already drunk, Harry, and firewhiskey... is strong stuff. Please... give me the bottle."

Neville held out his hand and Harry swallowed hard. He took a deep breath and held it out for Neville to take. He did and then poured out the rest.

"Thank you, Harry. That was a brave choice to make. Facing the pain is hard, but it's the right choice to make," Neville said.

Harry just looked at the ground, awkwardly. He was still drunk and shaking.

"I can take you wherever you want to go. Draco?" he offered, but Harry shook his head. "I figured. I know Ron and Hermione are out... but I have a couch? If you want to crash... or even my Gran's out in the country. She'll probably scold you a bunch in the morning, though."

Harry snorted. "No, thanks."

"Actually... I have the perfect place for you to crash. You can trust her to guard you and your secrets, and no one will look for you there. Just... trust me, okay?" Neville said and held out his hand.

Harry nodded. He did trust him, and all he wanted was to sleep, now. Exhaustion from the alcohol and stress of the day was hitting him hard. If Neville hadn't come, Harry would have probably already passed out on the ground. Neville's warm blue eyes locked eyes with him, and he nodded. His friends took care of him.

"Might want to conjure a bucket, first," Harry muttered, knowing that his stomach wouldn't survive another jump.

"Sure, and my boyfriend... he'll go tell everyone that you're safe, okay?"

Harry nodded. After Neville conjured a bowl and gave it to him, he held out his hand, again. Harry placed his hand in his and let Neville take him away.

***

Blaise stood up from his crotched position behind a large headstone and removed the Disillusionment Charm. He was pleased with the outcome of that. It was the best-case scenario, anyway. When they had finally found the graveyard, they had seen Potter in the distance. Blaise muffled their footsteps and voices and convinced Neville to do the talking. His boyfriend was a little reluctant to face a drunk Chosen One practically alone, but Harry was important to him and there was no one else. Potter had obviously been hiding from Weasley and Granger.

Blaise had instructed Neville to, in no way, tell a drunk Potter that he was here or that he was his boyfriend. Potter was still extremely nervous around him, and Blaise didn't want to agitate him anymore. He also told Neville to bring Draco up as often as possible. Luckily, he had already told Neville about their interactions, so it was just about putting up the wards and Disillusioning himself. Potter was too on edge, and he set up to deflect any spells Potter sent. Neville agreed and thank Salazar and Morgana that it worked out.

He wasn't sure exactly where Neville had taken him, but Neville would take care of him. He had his orders: tell everyone else. He Apparated to Diagon and stopped at the post. He hadn't quite got the Patronus Charm down. Not enough happy memories to work with, so he drafted two notes. He sent one to Weasley and his wife and another to Joel, just saying that Potter was with Neville in a safe place and would sleep there. He also told Joel that he'd go to St. Mungo's. He sent them through rush-owl delivery, which wasn't cheap, but necessary.

He Apparated to St. Mungo's lobby, and went back up to Draco's room. Cass didn't refuse him entry, and Draco was relieved to see him. Draco's eyes were wet with tears and he was shaking.

"Harry?"

"We got him, or rather, Neville does. Got his bottle away from him and took him somewhere safe. I'm not entirely sure where."

"Thank Salazar... is he... okay?"

"Okay... not so much, but he was drunk and cracking. Borderline suicidal. Neville got through to him, convinced him to give up the bottle and to go with him."

Draco nodded.

"Not sure if he'll be here tomorrow... in the morning. He was pretty sloshed. Seemed to think that no one needed him."

Draco winced. "But I...."

"I know, Draco," Blaise said, taking Potter's seat and rolling next to him. "Neville got that through to him... better than I thought he would actually. He's more perceptive than I thought. But bringing up you... that's what got through to Harry."

Draco nodded somberly. "Harry didn't deserve to go through this... I just want to be there for him."

"You will be... tomorrow. He was too drunk to come here. He could barely walk. Draco... I know this is hard, but he's really hurting. He needs you."

"I know. I tried... before he left, but he was in survival mode by then."

"Well, between you and that mind healer, I suggest you convince him to talk. Even just do some anxiety-reducing stuff."

"I'll try... he's so hard to get through, too."

"Open up, Draco. Stop pretending you're alright. He thinks he's weak. That's what he called himself. A drunk, alcoholic weakling, that's what he told his dead parents. If that ain't a kick to groin... I don't know what is. He's breaking, Draco. He thinks everyone will be better off without him. That he shouldn't have come back... whatever that means."

Draco nodded. "He died, Blaise. He told me... saw the bright light and decided to come back anyway and kill Voldemort."

Blaise winced slightly at the name. He didn't consider himself a coward, but just hearing it brought back all the bad memories and decisions he had made in his life. "I don't know what to say to that, Draco. But just be careful with him tomorrow."

"I always am."

"You want me to stay the night?"

Draco grimaced. "No... but there is something I need you to do... if you're willing."

"I'm always willing, Draco. What do you need?"

"Higgs's ass in a fucking sling. I want him gone, out-of-here... in prison... I don't care. You said you had a shadow on him?"

Blaise smiled. "I sure do. We'll get him."

"He's behind this... somehow. Harry said he was. I don't know how... but he needs to pay."

"Consider it done, Draco," Blaise said, happy to have an easy, search-and-destroy mission.

"Thank you, Blaise."