Healing Draco Malfoy

Chapter 18

"What's wrong, Harry?"

Harry lowered his head. He could do this. They were his family, and they would always love and comfort support him. He knew it. Breathe, he told himself. "S-Something happened five years ago."

"F-Five years ago?" Hermione breathed. She was already sensing where this was going. She didn't let go of his hand.

"It wasn't just the war. I mean, I was shaken from the battle, the forest... the people we lost. But it wasn't why I... snapped."

Hermione glanced to her husband for some support, and Ron nodded and said, "You can tell us anything, Harry. You'll always be our brother. We will always stand by you. Please, don't think that we wouldn't."

"I n-never thought t-that," Harry said, stifling a sob. "I'm j-just so... ashamed."

Hermione gasped. "Oh, Harry. Don't be... whatever it is... we won't judge."

Harry nodded. His friends were there next to him. I can do this, he thought. "You r-remember... one the last cases I had, I mean... it technically wasn't mine. I found that wizard in the muggle lockup?"

"Vaguely?" Ron said, but Hermione shook her head. "He slept with a bunch of muggles, tortured them and Obliviated them? They had no idea what happened to them."

Raped them, Harry thought, but he nodded. "N-No one really questioned how I knew he was there."

Ron looked a little puzzled and glanced to Hermione, who wasn't involved with it. "You got a tip, mate?"

Harry shook his head. "I put him there. Well, hung a sign on his neck with his wanted picture and dropped him in front of the station."

He felt Hermione stiffen and knew she was connecting the dots. Her grip on his hand tightened.

Ron would need more, as he said, "I-umm-okay? Why didn't you just bring him to Ministry?"

"I wasn't really thinking clearly. The muggle police had a case on him."

"Harry... what happened?" Hermione asked, just like Draco had. Her voice was full of sympathy... and pity.

He took a deep breath. "Gin and I had broken up a few months before that. We both discovered we liked other people, things...."

"You told us that and we accept that completely," Ron reiterated.

"Thanks... but it wasn't easy. Everyone knew me. Every single witch would find me at the bars in Diagon Alley, and I was too... paranoid about telling anyone I was gay. I imagine the press would love that, still. The Boy Who Bottoms and a whole slew of new stories about my deviant sex life. No, I didn't want the world to know my... preferences."

"It's understandable, Harry, and I'm sorry that you have to hide like that."

He nodded. "I thought about using glamours... Polyjuice... but it didn't feel right? I wanted to be me and somehow thought it was morally better to go out to muggle clubs. No one would know me... or so I thought. He... that guy... picked me up."

Hermione's grip tightened to the point of pain, but Ron just looked confused.

"I had no idea what I was doing. Nearly twenty and had never done anything before. He played on that. He was... experienced and said that he'd show me... how. So, I went home with him. I wasn't scared... I was a wizard. I had my wand. He seemed so nice," Harry murmured.

Ron had finally caught on and looked thoroughly alarmed. His hand was shaking. Harry looked away.

"He gave me a drink... Mad-Eye'd be spitting angry at me for drinking it, but I did. It was some kind of Confounding Potion. It only knocked me out for a few minutes and left me dazed for hours, but I woke up already tied down to the bed, stripped."

"Bloody hell, Harry," Ron gasped, and Hermione glared at him.

"Ron!" she hissed, but her voice softened. "It's okay. You can keep going, Harry."

He cracked a weak smile, but then grimaced. "I'll spare you the details, but I was there for almost three days, strapped to the bed while he did... everything. He used Imperio... and Crucio. He... wanted to break me and he did. I stopped fighting. He didn't need the Imperius, by the end. He told me what he did to the muggles, too, but he wanted me to remember him and what he did."

His hand was starting to hurt, but it felt good. Hermione whispered, "You're doing great, Harry." She knew that this was the hard part. The part that was eating at him.

"He... threatened to leave me staked out in Knockturn Alley... so everyone would know who conquered the Savior. I... just... snapped. Just like those mind healers at St. Mungo's, he crashed into the wall and was knocked out. The ropes disappeared, and I healed myself... just like I do, now. But I didn't know what to do. I froze. I didn't want anyone to know what he did, what I did. I knew he'd drag it all out at the trial... there'd be a media frenzy....

"I did what he did... I Obliviated him. I covered it up. I cleaned the place and decided to dump him at the muggle jail. He was a predator, a serial... r-rapist, a fucking sadist, and I couldn't let anyone else get hurt like that. I just d-didn't want anyone to know!" he said, looking to Hermione, the moral compass of the group.

She straightened up and rubbed his hand supportively. "It's okay... you didn't let anyone else get hurt. He's in Azkaban. It's understandable why you reacted that way," she reassured him.

"Yeah... but I was an Auror. I'm supposed to respect the law, not break it. I Obliviated him against his will, tempered with evidence, didn't report a crime...."

Hermione interrupted him. "Harry, that was an extreme situation...."

"I would have fucking killed him!" Ron spat, and Harry winced. "Oh, sorry, mate. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I t-thought about that, too. But I c-couldn't do it."

Hermione placed her other hand on his. "Of course, you couldn't. We know you, Harry. You're the kindest, most forgiving person I know. You couldn't do that. That... soulless bastard couldn't destroy you completely."

Harry nodded. "Draco said something like that, too."

"Draco?" Ron repeated, again. Unable to get over it.

"You told... Draco?" Hermione said, grimacing at the word.

"Yeah... he... saw how I acted... he knew. He asked me what happened. Draco understood," Harry whispered, looking down.

"Really? The ferret did?" Ron said, and Harry frowned. "What? He's not here to be offended."

"Ron!"

Harry gave him a look and dropped his head. He didn't want to tell them everything about Draco. That was private.

"Sorry, it's Draco Malfoy we're talking about here. Why would he understand...."

"Ron!" Hermione growled, and Ron fell silent as Harry gave him a meaningful look.

Ron looked between them and dropped his head. "Bloody hell... him, too?"

Harry nodded. "I can feel his injuries. I don't know how he's still... here."

"Harry... we'll get them for him. I promise," Hermione said, and he didn't doubt her words.

"Thank you. He doesn't want to talk about it... or testify."

"Okay. We'll try to keep him out of it," she said.

"If that asshole McGrath had something to do with it, then we might need him," Ron said, quietly. "But we'll get those other ones."

Harry nodded. "Thanks, you guys. I love you so much."

"Oh, Harry," Hermione started and then hugged him. His hands wrapped around her, and he buried his face in her bushy hair. "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry you had to go through it alone for this whole time."

"I wasn't alone. You never let me wallow too long. I knew I could count on you guys... I just didn't want..." he trailed off.

Hermione broke the hug to look at him, taking his shoulders. "You didn't want to what, Harry?"

He hung his head, and his hands were shaking. "I didn't want you to know. For you to look in my eyes, like you are trying to do now... knowing what... happened. I survived Voldemort... and the war, but was caught by a lowlife who no one had even heard of."

"Harry... it could happen to anybody."

"But it happened to me. If people found out... they'd laugh. Question everything I've done."

"No, they wouldn't," Ron insisted.

"I did. How much of what I did was just luck and happenstance? I might have ripped the wand away from Draco, but I had no idea of the significance right then. Let's face it. It was a guess."

"Harry... it might have been, but you took that risk. You faced certain death for the second time that night at Hogwarts and beat it, again. It was pure... nerve. I have never seen anyone so...."

"But that's gone, now," Harry said, pushing out of her arms. "My courage, my confidence. I'm scared all the time. I can't leave my house. I shake every time I have to go buy groceries. I pay the liquor store double to deliver it to me."

Hermione stared at him with the pity he hated so much.

"I tried to forget it. Stayed at the Aurors for a few weeks, hoping that fear and panic would go away once he was convicted. But it didn't. Then that exercise. It was just friendly banter, taunting. Ron was down and shaking from that Electro-Stimulation Hex Robards likes, and then he aimed at me. He... s-said... he said... 'Come on... who's the Savior, now.'" Harry started crying. "T-That w-was what h-he liked t-to say. He r-rubbed m-my face in it... every fucking time."

He stopped again and buried his face in his hands. Hermione pulled him slowly into a hug. "It's okay, Harry. Let it out."

"It's not okay!" he snapped, breaking free. "I walked with him to his house. I told him I wanted to try it... I didn't even fight it!"

"Harry... you're not all-powerful! Everyone lets their guard down! Mad-Eye was captured by Wormtail and Crouch! Dumbledore trusted Grindelwald and lost his sister. People make mistakes, trust the wrong people and get hurt. It's part of being human."

"I'm human. I'm mentally fucked, now. He took away everything that made me feel like me."

"No, Harry... no, he didn't. He couldn't have. Look what you've done for Draco and all your other patients! You still are saving people!"

"Yeah... in the safest way possible. No danger involved."

"That's not too much to ask? You deserve some peace and quiet."

"You said it yourself, Hermione... you guys expected me to be an Auror, everyone did. I disappointed everyone."

"Harry, mate. You never disappointed me," Ron said, and Harry looked at him. "I was glad that you found something else that you enjoy. You scared the fucking daylights out of me that day. Then when you decided you didn't want to come back, I was relieved, honestly. You found your true calling, something that makes you happy. Harry... you save more people than I do, you know? Save them from a lifetime of pain. I find bad guys after they've done the worst."

Harry's jaw trembled and he nodded. "I just... thought I was a failure."

Hermione took his hand. "No, you aren't, Harry. You made it through the war. You took out Voldemort. You got through Auror training. You were an Auror, Harry! And you're a healer! You excelled at healing, better than anyone ever has. You had your own ward at 22! That is unheard of. You are not a failure."

Harry had tears in his eyes, again. "I... I... thanks."

"No problem, Harry."

"I still can't go out. I still can't talk to strangers. I can't sleep without drinking, and my panic attacks are getting worse. I never feel safe anymore, even when I come here."

"Harry, you need help."

"Yeah? But I can't get it, can I?" he spat and shivered. "Those mind healers feeling around in my head... no. I lived with Voldemort for years! I never want anyone in there, again."

"Harry... but you're in pain."

"Anyone who goes into my head is going flying. I don't want anyone to see that."

Hermione stared at him. "I think you don't want to see it."

He gave her a look and nodded. "That was always the worst bit. And having someone I don't know, don't trust, seeing me like that... would you want a stranger seeing times when you and Ron were at it?"

Hermione grimaced and nodded. "You're right... but Harry, you want it to get better, right? Do you want to feel safe? Unfortunately... I just don't think that you can handle this on your own."

"Yeah... well, I'm never going to trust anyone enough to let them in."

"Harry...."

"Enough, Hermione," Ron said, and Harry breathed easier. He didn't want to fight it anymore.

"I know you care, but it's just how it is. It's another reason why I didn't tell you. Don't think that I forgot that you are my next of kin. You could probably get me committed, and they could find a way to subdue my wandless magic, but I'll never get over that."

"Harry, I wouldn't do that!" she exclaimed.

"I want to believe that. But I'm scared. Of being trapped, of being tied down. You know Higgs? That Slytherin seeker I beat in my first year? He's the head mind healer? He hates me. So, no. I'm not going back to that place. Stop asking me."

"How about a muggle therapist?"

"And what lie about magic parts? That won't go badly. It'll end with a trip to the psych ward in restraints and an Obliviation."

Hermione frowned. "Could we help? Just... talk? Read some self-help books?"

Harry considered. "We could try it, but please don't push me. It's hard enough to talk to you... other people... I get so nervous. I went to the restaurant a week ago and could barely talk to Dennis."

"You went out?" she said, happily.

"With Dennis?" Ron said, surprised.

"With two work friends. Dennis is married to my floor warden, Natalie."

"Oh yeah, the overprotective one," Hermione commented.

"She's worked with me for years, but I thought I could try it."

"We can go out with you," she said.

"No," he shook his head. "I was a wreck. Joel kept me in the present and redirected the conversation."

"Who's Joel?"

"He was my trainee. He's a nice guy...."

Ron perked up. "You like him?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "As a friend. He's straight. He was easy to talk to."

"He left?"

"My service. He's still in training. It's hard to get time away."

"I remember your first year and second year. But Harry... you talk to patients every day."

"None of them have tried to attack me, yet. They want help and know I can give it. Most barely recognize me anymore. I like being a nobody. No supervisor, no underlings."

"Oh... Harry... that's not a way to live. You need to build friendships, build trust. You shouldn't be alone."

"I don't really have a choice," Harry said, lowering his head. "I get scared when people recognize me now. How would I react if they got closer?" Chills ran down his back, just thinking about it. He could never be intimate again with someone."

"I think...."

"Hermione... Hugo is awake," Ron said, suddenly. Hugo's cry of alarm came from down the hall.

Hermione glared at him almost in accusation, but told Harry not to leave. However, as soon as she left, Ron gestured for him to come outside, and Harry followed. Outside wasn't bad. Fresh air. Ron stood next to him, after putting up a few wards.

"Hopefully he goes back to sleep," Ron grunted. "Don't mind Hermione. She wants to fix this. You. Nevermind that these things aren't just fixed magically."

Harry chuckled, lightly. "I know. I was prepared for the lecture."

"What'd you expect from me?" Ron asked.

"Disbelief."

"Well, there's that. But I want you to know that I'll always help you. Be your wingman. If you want to go out, if you want to date, or if you want to see a muggle mind healer. I'll always be here for you, Harry. And to be frank, I'm not really surprised. You changed so abruptly and then snapped. I know I'm Captain Oblivious, but I could see that you were hurting. You were scared and didn't want to talk about it. I... thought I was just being considerate. You were stressed enough."

"I was. If you would have pushed, it might have been bad. I needed space. Time."

"I tried to be supportive. You... you aren't the only one, Harry. A victim," Ron said, quietly.

"I know." Fuck, he knew that.

"Lavender used a love potion on me, you know?"

Harry looked at him, surprised. "What? When?"

"Sixth year, before the match. Slughorn's draught fixed that, too. Guess I should thank Malfoy for almost killing me. I know it's not even a fraction as bad as you, but it fucked mine and Hermione's relationship up, and it wasn't exactly consensual."

"You never said anything," Harry whispered.

"Said what? She slipped me a potion, and I didn't like her touching me? I didn't want to do it?Guys can't be the victim and all that bullshit. I know how... humiliating it feels not to say anything, Harry. Don't think that I am judging you at all. He was an asshole. I would have gladly killed him for you... or at least castrated him."

Harry gave a small smile. He was glad that Ron was being so supportive and understood how he felt.

"I'll get Hermione to back off, too. Please keep talking to us... or just me."

Harry finally met Ron's eyes. "Thank you. I will. Could you... will you tell the others... what happened? I don't want to keep going through this... with the rest of the family."

"Of course, Harry. I'll try to make sure they don't freak out on you, either."

"Thanks, Ron," Harry said and accepted Ron's deep hug when he left.