33 - Edwina's Lord Suitor

                                        

                                              
The days after the feast to honour her apprenticeship to Master Gentileschi had given Edwina noting but time to think. With how Lord Daro had kissed her, touched her, loved her, she'd really assumed that meant that more than just his body had been willing. But then he'd set her down, covered himself in shame, and said it had been a mistake, that this shouldn't have happened, but he'd had too much to drink; he'd do right by her though. 
She had felt beautiful, cherished, loved, but then simply cold. So, not knowing how else to survive her heartbreak, Edwina had told Lord Daro what she'd actually felt. How he need not worry about being bound to a woman he clearly wanted no life with, how she'd keep what happened between them the dirty little secret he wanted it to be, and then she'd straightened her skirts and walked back into the party like she didn't want to cry instead.
There was a worse feeling than loving a man you could never have; it was having him, believing it meant something to you both, only to learn it was just a bad decision on his part. Edwina hadn't felt so disgusted with herself before, and she couldn't talk to anyone about it; it was her shame to bear. Only Hida saw the vestiges of that mistake only moment before Blair did too. Suddenly the private humiliation was known, but Edwina felt less burdened by it instead of more. Hida's concerns about Edwina's consent and Blair's ready vitriol against 'dummy Daro' made her feel less small, and the repeated insistence that Hida could in fact get rid of a dead body for her helped Edwina laugh, and finally feel like her heart could beat again.
Maybe, if she were lucky, that'd be the end of her ordeal with first love. But the day she'd decided to put it all behind her was also the day she received a letter from Lord Daro, apologizing. 
To my beloved Lady Edwina,
I must first apologize for all my abhorrent behaviour that at all implied that loving you could be a dirty little secret. You were, are, and will always be the brightest start in my night sky. I seek inspiration in your radiance, I'm guided by your constancy and majesty, and I love you even when I am despairingly unworthy of you. That I ever made you feel poorly is my sin to bear, and not a reflection on your excellence, and I only wish I could have properly expressed to you how I wished I had been man enough to love and romance you openly, unreservedly, so that the first time we made love wouldn't be a hurried affair against a balcony railing. Truthfully, I do not regret it at all, as the memory of loving you even in such a covetous way was inevitable as I have admittedly been tormented by your perfection for a long time now. 
I am not writing a Letter of proposal to you out of a feeling of obligation; I do not want to marry you out of a sense of duty. I want to be your husband, and have you be my wife, simply because I am greedy for you. My days were better knowing I was going to spend some part of them with you. 
And hate me for it if you must, but I pray to every kindly and wicked spirit who might be persuaded that our one intimacy results in a child so I can selfishly tie you to me all the more. I have been a gentleman, a mentor, and a friend to you, and now I beg of you to take me as your future husband. I want to share every moment you have, be a part of yours life as you study at the university and grow into a Master, and spend the rest of my days living the fantasy I've withheld for fear of condemning you. To a life with a man who will never be worthy of your excellence, intelligence, and pure hearted loveliness. For I may have never crossed a line as your mentor, but as I promised you that night, I would ruin us both and I have. I ache for you like a man drowning at sea aches for dry land, I hunger for you as a prisoner does his last mean, and I dream of you with the same fanaticism as the gambler at a bettering hall. 
You are worthy of every star in the night sky, and I will always be in awe of your magnificence. I should have Courted you properly, but instead I managed to take a beautiful night and ruin it for you with my heartless, thoughtless words.