twelve

                                        

                                              
MARCH
NOTHING WAS WORSE for loneliness than being in a room full of people because when the numbness endured, it became real. At Jensen's, surrounded by his friends, he felt more distant and removed than when he was alone in his bedroom, staring into space at the edge of his bed, trying to tether himself to the world. He looked at their faces and tried to spin meaning out of them; tried to find some kind of answer in their eye contact and laughter and closeness that would make everything fall into place, that would make everything make sense and make him feel like one of them again, but the longer he tried to focus, the further and further away he felt.
It was an off night, and his friends were beginning to disturb him. All of their words seemed to melt and bleed into each other until their entire conversation was completely disfigured and incomprehensible, and he was straining to attach meaning to different sounds and still not getting any closer to figuring out what they were talking about. 
He shifted in his seat and tried to get comfortable.
The side of Evan's body was pressed against his own, her thigh flush with his and her elbow constantly nudging him when she moved her hands. She leaned against him when she laughed and touched his shoulder affectionately with the back of her hand, and he kept trying to smile and he kept trying to laugh, but he had the awful sensation that it didn't look or sound quite right.
He tried to focus on the pressure of her body against his own, but all it did was make him overly conscious of himself. He swore he could feel his blood moving inside of him, and it made him feel dizzy and squeamish so he drank more and kept his mouth shut, tensing his muscles to try and stop himself from falling apart.
Everyone else seemed to be having a good time but this only made him feel like he was sticking out, especially because more people than he thought had accepted invitations to Jensen's.
They had all congregated in the back room that Jensen's dad had designed a couple years before, filling it with a stocked bar, plenty of seats and bar-stools, and a pool table taking up the centre. There were neon bar signs that were both tacky and oddly charming, and costume cowboy and pirate hats that people clumsily placed on each other's heads, and speakers that one of the other boys had connected his phone to because Jensen kept accidentally bringing the music with him every time he left the room. 
Jensen's closer friends stood behind the bar and made drinks for the people who sat around on the stools and shouted orders to them, and the people on the sofas spoke in each other's ears and pulled faces at each other, and the boys playing pool circled the table, their faces fixed with concentration and flashes of amusement, holding their cues and chewing their lips.
But none of that interested him. He'd been there an hour already and Spencer was nowhere to be seen.
Isaac, sitting on the arm of the sofa, clamped a hand on his shoulder and playfully shook him before releasing him just as quickly, and something about it made him feel edgy and nervous. He looked at his friends, but none of them looked back at him, and he suddenly felt very hot; the back of his neck and his forehead burned, heat was spreading across his chest and back, and the volume of the music flooded him like water bursting through a dam.
Finishing his drink and putting his cup down so hastily that it tipped over, he rushed to his feet and said something like, "I'm going outside for air," but he wasn't confident that he had moved his mouth the right way.
He didn't wait long enough for any of them to respond and he didn't turn back to look at any of them, bolting towards the three long steps leading up the small platform where the door was.
It was only as he got closer that the door opened and Jensen stepped inside with Elodie.
He was trying to talk to her but it was impossible to hear anything that he was saying and Hadley doubted that Elodie was listening anyway.