In the midst, I spat shit about how colossal it was coming face-to-face with all those difficulties. Like climbing a mountain, yet never reaching the summit. 
“Dear, what do you do when you have a cold and fever? You go to a doctor and take medicine, no?”
I nodded. 
“Do you even think for a second you won't get cured? You don't. Then believe in this, too. Yes, it takes time and effort but through the course of my past eleven years, I learnt how resilient and strong humans are. You are too, Natasha. You've fought your battle for so long and survived. I can tell that. But maybe you don't have to survive anymore. You can live, too. Freely. I'm here to tell you that.” She gave a reassuring smile, the corners of her hazel eyes crinkling. 
Somehow her last words struck a chord so deep it made my chest constrict. Guess it was time to rewire my emotional circuit.
~~~
The next couple of sessions went smoothly. Dr. Ivy wasn't in a rush to reopen my shitty wounds all at once. She encouraged me to open up about my past in doses, till where my body felt comfortable.
Every session started with some sort of questionnaire first. In addition, she made me practice nature groundwork & breathing techniques to gain control of my body before it started reacting. By the way, what's with therapists and their bullshit about journal writing and affirmations? Were we still tenth grade kids? 
Nonetheless, her session made me comfortable. A safe space where I wasn't wronged and judged. It felt nice to be validated. To be told again and again that none of it was my fault. For once, I wasn't a rebel, but a survivor who survived an emotional hell. For once, I wasn't the villain of my 온라인카지노게임.
During my second session with Dr. Ivy, she offered me something she provided to many clients before— a huge plush kitty with doe eyes. Said it was mine for the time being and I could hug her during sessions if I felt like it. Weird, but sweet. 
Although she made me feel validated and seen, there was one event I couldn't bullshit my way from. 
~~~
“I fucked him up, Ivy! I wrecked him,” I said, clasping my hands tight, my head downcast. I was talking about Rithik for the past ten minutes. “Rith came all the way from India for me, despite his arm injury. That was the extent of his love for me. He was always in the relationship, while I was trying to wriggle out of it later on. I- I don't get it, doc. I know he was good to me. Hell, I was at my happiest. Then what I was so scared of... besides my parents? Why couldn't I fight for us? Why? I single handedly ruined one of the most beautiful things in my life.” 
I swallowed a lump in my throat and bit the inside of my cheek as I vocalised my regret. “Guess I really don't deserve hearts and flowers, huh. Maybe I'm just built to whore my way around and get shitfaced by the adults. Haa, look who's victimizing now. I know you'll say not to blame yourself and yada yada, but I can't fucking help it sometimes. I can't!” I gathered the fabric of my pants in my fists in frustration. 
“I understand where you are coming from.”
“You do? You really do?”
“Of course I do, Natasha. We all have been in those pitfalls of despair,” She answered, squinting her eyes a little through her glasses. “Half of the time, we up don't even know why we are there. While the other half? They know they can get out, but they don't. Not because they don't know how. Because they don't know what to do after they get out.” 
That made me lift my head to meet hers across the table. 
“Yes, he made you happy and yes, you hurt him. While I'm not saying what you did was right, it's not wrong either. You said he loved you to that extent... what about your love for yourself? Did anyone teach you that? No. You were brought up in an unsafe, toxic environment where you were never allowed to be yourself. Where you were only taught fear, anger, hate, betrayal— all opposites of love. Your body and mind were forced to adapt because you had to survive somehow. So when something good comes along, it feels foreign and threatening. Your system screams red alert. You don't want to expose yourself because look what happened when you did that at home. Deep down, you were scared of getting betrayed again. Perhaps if not by him, then by external forces that endangered the relationship.”