VIII. Grief will keep you reaching back for what is not there

                                        

                                              



                                

                                    
                                
                                  
                                      
                                  
                                  
                                    
                                      
                                      
                                    
                                  
                                 
                                
                                
                              
                              
EIGHT.   GRIEF WILL KEEP YOU REACHING 
BACK FOR WHAT IS NOT THERE 

                                

                                    
                                
                                  
                                      
                                  
                                  
                                    
                                      
                                      
                                    
                                  
                                 
                                
                                
                              
                              



      Hannah was the first face Lacy saw when she walked into Chemistry. She was seated alone, nobody willing to share the seat next to her, and her head was down, aimlessly staring at the open biology textbook without any means to actually read it. She just hated eye contact. Always did. Volleyball was the only time Hannah Kross ever made eye contact with anyone. It was an engaging sport, one that she had fallen in love with over time despite being forced to join. It helped that she was a damn good libero as well.
Lacy spent a lot of her time wondering why she never asked Hannah to hang out more or why Hannah would often dismiss her hellos and how are yours? during practice and in school. It wasn't a secret that the two girls were different. Lacy was the personification of a high school girl — beautiful, popular, and energy that all would describe as infectious. Her favorite flowers are daisies and when she was a kid, Lacy would come to school with a daisy tucked behind her ear. She always smelt of flowers. Some would deeply describe her as Spring. Hannah's nothing like Lacy. She's nothing like what Daphne and Kayla were. Hannah's nothing at all (nobody's ever said that, it's just what she thinks).
Hannah lifted her head when she saw a shadow in her peripheral vision and she tensed up once she saw it was Lacy, the tall girl appearing small. "This seat taken?"
She stared at her, unimpressed. "I guess not," she decided.
Lacy chewed on her bottom lip. She put her bag on the floor and sat down, cringing at the creaking sound the chair made against the tiles. The classroom was barely full as people slowly started to enter from the hallway.
"You sure you wouldn't rather sit with her?"
She furrowed her brows. Hannah's eyes were darted past her and Lacy followed. Lydia entered the chemistry lab. She sat up straight in the slightest. Lydia found her eyes as she walked by, her face unreadable and she sat in the front row. Lacy smiled at her, the gesture small, and Lydia tried to smile back, but almost like she was trying to convince herself not to.