"Is your head hurting?" Spencer asked, frowning. 
"No, I'm alright," he insisted, shaking his head and moving his hand away. "Talk to me about the movie. What did you think?"
"Like I said," he continued, relaxing into the passenger seat and glancing around the car, "it was ridiculous, but I really enjoyed it. You know what I really liked about it? By the time it was ending, it kind of struck me that the Dude didn't really change at all. After all the bullshit that happened and everything he went through, he didn't become stronger or braver or wiser or anything. When the movie started, he was just some guy trying to survive and enjoy himself and, when the movie ended, he was still some guy trying to survive and enjoy himself. And I thought it was nice to just watch a movie where the main character doesn't really transform or grow or change. It's like sometimes you just have to deal with stuff for no reason other than shit happens and you're not really any worse or better for it afterwards. You're just still the same person trying to survive, right?"
When Hadley, who was watching him steadily and gently, didn't speak, Spencer smiled in that shy way he had and continued, "I don't know. I have this feeling that I'm always looking for answers on how to live or how to be the best version of myself all the time. And then sometimes you realise you don't really need to be the best version of yourself all the time. Sometimes you just need to shut up and be a person for a while. Sometimes you just need to go on a trip to the store or take a shower or eat a sandwich. Sometimes you just need to go bowling."
"Sometimes you just need to go bowling," Hadley repeated, his brow furrowing. Their eyes met and he stared into that dark, vibrant green. There was a smile in those eyes that made his heart twinge and something struck him. "I have something for you." 
Reaching towards the backseat, he unzipped his backpack and dug out his copy of Stoner.
When he handed it over, Spencer turned the book around in his hands and flickered through the pages, beaming. "Thanks."
"It's a little messy," he warned with a solemn gaze, fixing his eyes on the book. "It's covered with pencil marks and ink and stupid annotations and whatever. You can just ignore those."
"I don't mind a little mess," he assured, his eyes darting towards Hadley as he scanned various pages. "You're sure you're cool with lending this to me?"
"Yeah," he shrugged. "No one ever really asks to borrow any of my books so if you want one, take it."
Spencer glanced towards him. "What are you gonna read now?"
"I don't know," he frowned, trying to picture the bookshelf in his bedroom. "There's tons to read. I'll find something."
He bit the inside of his cheek. "Well, what are you looking for?"
"I don't know," Hadley grinned, "but I rarely ever find it."
Smiling, he glanced around the car again. "It's funny," he said, sweeping his gaze over the chargers, the change, the packets of gum, the old movie tickets stuffed and tossed in the cup-holder. "If someone saw us together in your car, I can't even imagine what they'd think. Especially because I still have the bruise you gave me."
"I don't give a shit about any of that, anyway," he muttered, his eyes darting curiously towards Spencer's. "Do you?"
"No," he said, offering one of his small, private smiles. "It's not really anyone's business, is it? People are always looking for ways to entertain themselves. They'll talk about it until they make themselves sick of it and find something else to latch onto the week after."
Hadley thought about Tristan, about sharing bread sticks with him in the kitchen. "People devour whatever you put in front of them," he agreed quietly.
"Yeah," Spencer nodded, glancing at him thoughtfully. He had opened the book and was reading a random page in the middle of it. "People devour. And they're fucking insatiable. After you first punched him, people I've hardly ever spoken to kept asking me all these questions about you and Elodie. It was unbelievable."
"I don't think it was ever that bad for me," he remarked curiously.
"They probably think you're going to punch them," he teased, his smile playful and eyes glittering.
Hadley swallowed thickly and tried to smile. "Good."
Spencer shook his head, grinning.
He cleared his throat. "Sorry if I caused you any harassment."
"It's not a big deal."
"I just hope you know that I don't have anything against you," he said swiftly. "I don't resent you or anything. In those first few weeks, I felt like I couldn't stop comparing myself to you because I had this unshakeable feeling that you had something that I didn't, but I don't hate you." He half-smiled. "I didn't mean for you to get devoured. I just wanted to hit you."
With surprising earnestness, he said, "I don't have anything that you don't have."
"Yeah, you do," Hadley murmured, reaching out a loose fist and ghosting the bruise with the back of his curved fingers. He pretended not to notice how Spencer winced, how he almost seemed to shiver. "You have that."
He flushed. "Which I can thank you for," he replied lightly, softly, as Hadley took his hand away. He studied the book one last time and glanced towards him. "Thanks for the book. And for Lebowski. It was great." 
"It's alright," he said, staring through the windshield at the white sky. "And I'm glad you liked the movie."
"You should probably get home," Spencer remarked, watching him.
"Yeah," he agreed, glancing at him. "I probably should."
He could see— could feel— Spencer's hesitation. "You're okay to drive, right?" He asked, fixing his gaze on the side of Hadley's face. "Because I can always give you—"
He shook his head, offering a small smile. "I'm fine."
"Okay," Spencer nodded, chewing the inside of his cheek. "Good. I need to get going, anyway. Thanks again." 
When Hadley looked at him, he caught Spencer looking down at his hands, a graceful movement passing through his throat. His green eyes darted up and they looked at each other, and, for a long time, he did not move— Hadley never asked him to. Instead, he waited, silently, and, when he was alone, he turned the car on. 
Rain had begun to fall. 
note
hello and thank you for reading!! I'm sorry for the missed update last week, I had an exam and an essay due in the same week, and decided I needed to spend a little time catching up on uni work.
 I hope this chapter is okay! I'm already excited to start working on the next one and in the meantime I would love to hear any thoughts :')
thank you again for being here. hopefully I see you again next time <3
originally published
29 / 03 / 2025