Draco Malfoy, Broken

34 - Wishing

Published: 12/11/18

TRIGGER WARNING - Implied sexual assault, panic attack

"Tut tut, Mr. Malfoy. It's Madam Umbridge. I've been assigned to be your probation officer," she said with the same sickly sweet voice that made Draco's skin crawl, even when he was on her side.

"I'm s-sorry, ma'am," Draco said. Nothing good was going to come of this. The woman was as power-hungry as a Slytherin could get. How the heck did she become a probation officer? Draco wondered.

"I suppose you're wondering I how became a probation officer," she said, with the kind of false pitch that Draco knew was bad news.

"N-No, pro... ma'am," he lied.

"I was removed from the minister's office when Shacklebolt took over, but with all my years in the ministry, I was able to secure a small position to retain my retirement and recover. The Imperious Curse the Death Eaters placed on me was very traumatizing, you know. My friends at the Ministry have been very helpful in getting me back on my feet," she said, in as a matter of fact tone. "I now want to serve the magical community to make up for the harm I did whilst under control of the Death Eaters."

Draco understood what she meant. She blackmailed or coerced some key people into giving her a job, they gave her the most obscure job they could find, and she blamed the Death Eaters, Draco included, for her downfall. He was screwed.

"I was placed on your case to ensure you are strictly following the guidelines of your probation and to recommend whether your probation be revoked, extended or removed. If I feel that you aren't cooperating or have violated your probation, I will report you to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. If the offense is egregious enough, you may be sent straight to Azkaban, a hearing or trial need not be necessary. Do you understand?"

Draco had to force words out. "Y-Yes... ma'am."

He lowered his head. He could feel her smiling, gloating over the officious position she had over him. She only had the worst Slytherin qualities. She got off on exerting her power and control over people. In his fifth year, it was Harry and Dumbledore, now it was his turn. However, he was powerless to fight back.

"I suggest we talk about the guidelines of your probation, so there is no confusion. Would you like that?" she said, so nicely as though she was trying to bribe a child with candy.

"Yes, ma'am," he breathed out, panic building all over, again.

"You have to obtain Exceeds Expectations on both your practical and written NEWT exams. Every one of them. If you botch up one exam, you will be sent to Azkaban. You understand that you are only here to learn, not relax and hang out with your friends. You should have been put into Azkaban, but you were granted mercy that you do not deserve. Do not mess it up," she growled.

Draco nodded, feeling queasy. His heart was barely pumping. He couldn't keep the eye contact.

"You cannot engage in any physical altercation with anyone... not even to defend yourself," she said, putting a piece of paper down. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," he whispered.

"Have you been in any fights since your release?"

"N-No, ma'am," he said, his lip trembling.

Her eyes narrowed and she picked up her paper, again. "You cannot use any offensive spell including dueling spells, hexes, jinxes and curses."

Draco nodded in affirmation.

"Have you used any offensive spells?"

"No, ma'am."

"Not even a Shield Charm?"

Draco gulped, he knew it. "No, I haven't used a Shield Charm."

"Good, because a Shield Charm may send the spell back to someone else. You may not use it."

Draco nodded. He couldn't help but fidget in the arm chair.

"These next rules, you may not be aware of. Those were the special instructions for your particular case. You are on probation and are subject to the following rules as well: first, that I, as your probation officer, may question you, at any time, and make recommendations to your case. You may not refuse to answer my questions. Second, you must obey any order that I or any member of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement give you, provided that it is not illegal or harmful to anyone else. Third, you, your wand, and your room may be searched at any time for violations of your parole or possession of illegal materials. Lastly, you may not leave the school grounds, except to come to our appointments or I give you direct permission."

Draco swallowed hard and nodded. He wasn't surprised by any of them, except maybe the second one. Dawlish was still an Auror.

"First thing is first. Hand me your wand," she ordered.

Draco pulled it out of his bag and handed it to her. She cast the Reverse Spell charm and reviewed his wand. There shouldn't be anything there. Umbridge grimaced, like she was hoping to catch him off guard and find something.

"Very well. Do not try to hide your spellwork, Draco," she said and handed it back to him. Her smile became maleficent. "Now, Auror Dawlish was attacked on Friday. What do you know about it?"

Draco looked at her and frowned. "I don't know who did it. The professor took a drink and ran out of the room."

"Surely it was your friend, wasn't it?" she accused.

"I don't know. He didn't say he did it and I didn't see him make it or put anything in Auror Dawlish's drink."

"You're not lying to me, are you dear?" she said, coyly.

"No, ma'am," Draco said, nervously.

"I wouldn't want you to choose your friends over your freedom...."

"He didn't say that he did it," Draco insisted, his heart racing, now.

She asked about ten more questions before asking, "Do you have any questions?"

Draco shook his head. This meeting was almost over, he was starting to breathe easier.

Umbridge leaned forward, put a fist on the table and her other arm pointed at him. "You will not tell anyone that I am your probation officer, Draco. That is an order. Not your friends, the headmistress, or Harry Potter. You will not say that I am, in any way, associated with you. This is for my protection, as your Death Eater friends might target me. Do you have any misunderstandings about this order?"

"No, ma'am," Draco said, shrinking down from her vicious gaze.

"Good. If anyone asks, just say that you do not what to talk about it or that I'm no one they would know. Do you understand?"

"Yes, ma'am," Draco said, lowering his head. The panic was crawling up. He didn't want to look at her in the eye.

"Good. You are released. I will send you a notice when our next meeting is. Same requirements, come alone. I expect you to be more cooperative next time and if I hear of any probation violations... you will be trouble."

"Yes, Madam Umbridge," Draco said, shaking.

"Go," she spat and Draco scrambled out of his seat, as quickly as he could, and left.

He was halfway back to Hogwarts when the tears started. Of all the people to be his probation officer, why did it have to be her? He'd almost take Dawlish over her. Umbridge was evil incarnate. He was her new toy and she would do anything to wind him up. She was a contriving, self-centered, bigot, ego-maniac. He wished for just about anyone else besides her, the all-but-marked Death Eater.

Draco didn't immediately notice that the temperature dropped, but when goosebumps appeared all over his skin, he tensed up and scanned around. He felt it, before he saw it. His dementor was stalking toward him. Draco ran toward the castle, fighting to stay conscious the whole time. He knew if he could get to the gates, into the school's boundaries, he'd be safe... at least the headmistress would know that there was a dementor on the grounds.

His lungs and legs were screaming in pain when he crossed through the boar gate. He tripped and fell just inside and turned around to see where it was. The dementor was just outside the gate, stopped and staring at him. It's clammy hand was reaching for him, menacingly. Draco tried to get up, but the air was sucked away. Draco couldn't fight it off in his mind as he faded into darkness.

"What happened!" Voldemort roared after hours of Torture Curses and incoherent rage.

"My lord! It was the house elf! He Apparated them out of the house!" Bellatrix said, cuts and bruises were all over her body, like his parents and Greyback. Voldemort spared none of them. Even the three other wolves outside in the yard were punished. Draco was a quivering mess on the floor, trying to pretend he wasn't there.

"Why didn't you call me immediately?" he screamed at them as Harry had just fled Malfoy Manor.

"Draco said that he wasn't Harry Potter!" she spat, eagerly pointing a finger at him, deflecting blame. Pure Slytherin.

Draco closed his eyes for some last bit of respite, as he felt himself dragged across the floor toward the Dark Lord. He could hear his mother crying, from both her injuries and the very real possibly that he was about to die, painfully.

"Draco," Voldemort purred, spelling him to his feet, too. He wrapped his long fingers around his throat. "Did you know it was Harry Potter?"

"N-No... I c-c-couldn't t-tell," he stammered, trying to occlude his mind.

"Pathetic. Your feeble attempts to hide your feelings didn't work, Draco. You knew it was him!" Voldemort growled, his gripped tightened. "You betrayed me!"

"N-No, my lord, I-I wasn't sure," Draco lied desperately.

"Master, we were afraid of being wrong, least we summon you without warrant," his mother said and Voldemort regarded her.

Draco's fear spiked as Voldemort looked angry enough to kill her for interrupting his interrogation. "So you instead let Harry Potter break out of the dungeon, take your wands and escape without a scratch?"

"It was Wormtail! He must have released him. It's the only explanation!" she pleaded.

"Where is he?" Voldemort growled, apparently missing the fact that Pettigrew wasn't there. "You!" Voldemort yelled, shooting a hot shot at Greyback, who yelped not unlike a hurt dog. "Go check the basement for him!"

"Y-yes m-master," he whined, limping toward the basement.

Voldemort hadn't let go of Draco's neck and turned back stare into his eyes. Draco shook fearfully as he stared back into the slit eyes of his master. Voldemort was enjoying making him fret, but Draco knew he hated to see tears or begging. Fear but not cowardice.

Greyback came in and knelt before him. "M-Master... he is dead. The hand... his hand was wrapped around his throat."

Voldemort let go and Draco dropped to his knees next to Greyback. "He did betray me... I made sure he would regret it if he did. Is his wand here? The wards are breached if that house elf took them."

"N-No, my lord," Lucius Malfoy said, leaning on a chair for support. "We have the wands that they had and Narcissa's." Voldemort inspected the wands and muttered something about Potter's wand being different. Draco was getting painful tremors of the curses Voldemort had already inflicted, as his master examined the wands.

"Wormtail wasn't skilled enough to take down your wards, Lucius. How?" Voldemort growled.

"Perhaps Potter did it with his wand?" he offered.

"Possible. Potter doesn't have any extraordinary magic, either."

"An accident then, my lord?" Narcissa suggested. Draco wondered if she was an Occlumens.

"It matters little, now... Potter is gone," Voldemort said, seeming to accept her theory, but his eyes rested on Draco. "And someone has to pay for it."

Draco lowered his head more, wishing his master would simply end his suffering, rather than drag it out. He knew he wasn't that lucky though.

"You're lied, Draco. You knew it was Potter... you are going to regret that decision."

"I'm sorry, master," he whispered. His mother let out a whimper, but he couldn't look at her.

"Not as sorry as you are going to be. Greyback... put him in the dungeon," Voldemort ordered.

The wolf grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him to the basement stairs. "You are going to pay for my pain from this, boy," he growled and pushed Draco down the stairs, slamming the door.

He crawled away from the dead body and found Luna's bed. He could barely take comfort in the star patterns that Luna had carved into the wall, almost like a mural. It was peaceful tracing the constellations with his eyes. Luna remembered a lot from memory, but it couldn't calm him. His master said that he had to pay. He was going to be punished severely. No one fails as much as he had and didn't suffer tremendously for it. He was still glad though. Luna had escaped. Harry and the others were still fighting. Harry would win and Draco might be free... if he survived this tour in dungeon.

He heard more screaming as Voldemort continued torturing his family and Greyback upstairs. If they were getting more, he was going to get it a lot more. Voldemort finally descended stairs. Draco came out and knelt ready for their torture session to start.

"Draco... are you ready?"

"I am my lord," he said, bracing himself for the pain.

Voldemort didn't waste any time sending pain and torture spells at him, until he was stammering mess at his feet. His master left without a word, stepping over his now dead servant, like he was a pile of garbage. Draco faded in and out as more sessions came. Several days passed and Draco wasn't able to get up anymore. The smell was getting unbearable as the rats had started to eat one of their own.

Voldemort came down and finally vanishing Wormtail unceremoniously, before turning to him. "Pain doesn't affect you anymore, does it Draco? You are used to it. You expect it."

Draco didn't say anything. What could he say? Voldemort could get the truth if he wanted, all he had to do was ask. It's not like Draco was capable of lying anymore. But Voldemort didn't care about the truth. He wanted entertainment. That was what Draco was for... his amusement. He didn't care about anyone or anything.

"I heard the most interesting rumor, Draco," Voldemort started. "About you."

Draco retreated into the floor, trying to escape this conversation. Voldemort must have fucked his aunt, again, who was more than willing to spill information. He hopelessly thought that he would drop it. The Dark Lord had no mercy, though.

"We are going on a trip," Voldemort announced. Draco cowered and did not want to go anywhere, but Greyback came down the stairs and grabbed him.

Voldemort Apparated them from the familiar dungeon, that Draco knew he was going to miss. Greyback dropped him to the floor once they arrived. Draco barely had the will to look at where he was. He saw a large cage with thick metal bars and inside, chains and collar attached. Greyback's kennel, Draco understood immediately. It was for when he turned and the Death Eaters would either feed people to him or get them close enough to be bitten.

Draco started shaking uncontrollably. Greyback was practically drooling in exuberance. He wanted to hurt him, maybe even eat him. Voldemort had taken a step back to watch like the sick fuck he was. He liked his pet dog, more than anyone knew. Draco couldn't remember how close it was to the full moon, but he could see Voldemort having him turned just to spite his parents and make him worse than minion. He'd be even more of a pet and he would kill because the wolf would make him.

The sudden Apparition crack made Draco jump. Rabastian Lestrange looked down at him with a malicious smile. Draco's heart nearly stopped as he tightened up more. He wasn't worried about being turned anymore. He knew exactly what was about to happen. The three people he was most scared of were standing over him ready to inflict as much pain and cruelty as they could.

"Please..." he pleaded, unable to deny his fear. "Please don't hurt me."

"You're going to beg a lot more than that... by the time we are done," Rabastian growled and reached down to grab him. He pulled him to his feet and his horrible breath ghosted over his face. "You're going to squeal like a stuck pig."

Draco closed his eyes and suddenly he felt something moist and wet slide across his face. That didn't happen. He opened his eyes to see the large, pink tongue run across his face, again. Draco jolted and took in the smell of a ripe dog.

"Fang! Come 'ere, boy," a loud voice boomed from far away.

Draco was on the grass... at Hogwarts... not that other place. He started to cry, unable to hold anything back. The black boarhound sat next to him and howled once, before nestling next to him, his face right next to Draco's. He licked his cheek, whining almost, and rested his head on Draco's shoulder. Draco's hands found the warmth of his fur and he hugged the dog closer to him, instinctively knowing that he was there to protect and comfort him.

Draco heard more yelling, but he was still trapped by his memories. He had gotten so close to it. He sobbed into the rich fur of the faithful dog he had never petted before.

"Fang? Wha'da yeh find?"

Draco rolled his head to the damp grass beneath him, not willing to look at the man.

"Malfoy?" Hagrid said, startled. He bent over and lifted him easily up. "Wha'cha doin' out 'ere? Wha' 'appened?"

Draco just trembled and heard Fang whine at Hagrid's heels as Hagrid carried him away. He couldn't talk yet. He expected his old professor to take him to the hospital wing, but he brought him to his hut.

"Yer drenched ter the bone," Hagrid said and set him down in his bed by the roaring fire. He covered him with a thick blanket and Fang jumped up on the bed, leaning up against his back. "Malfoy, wha' 'appened?"

He couldn't answer. His eyes meet the black eyes of the gamekeeper he had hurt so much over the years. He tore his eyes away and pressed his head into the blanket, guilt flooding through him. He had to get out of there, but he couldn't even feel his legs.

"Come on, lad, speak ter me," Hagrid said. "Yer safe 'ere."

Draco started crying, again. No, he wasn't. He wasn't safe anywhere. That was his dementor. It won't stop until it got him. His classmates and Dawlish wouldn't leave him alone and he had the biggest fucking cunt he had ever known as his probation officer. He was so fucked. Now, he was in the residence of one of Harry's closest friends and he had humiliated the man to no end. The somewhat gentle, monster-loving giant was standing over him, patting his back, reassuringly.

"There yer go... get it all ou'," he encouraged as Fang let out another whine.

Salazar, he was so weak. He couldn't control his emotions for anything. He just wanted Harry to hold him. Harry, he wished, trying to will him to come, but he wouldn't. Draco hadn't told him where he was going. His friends were still in detention. He was stuck with the giant and Fang.

"Yeh jus' stay righ' there," Hagrid said, and put a tea kettle going.

He put tea bags in two cups and poured the hot water in. He barely let it steep, before bringing it over to him. Hagrid lifted him to a sitting position, keeping the blanket around him and put the large mug in his hands.

"Drink up, now. It'll make yeh feel bet'er," he said.

Draco had to use both his hands to keep the cup steady enough to drink the hot liquid. It was horrible tasting, too bitter, but his senses became more acute, stabilized. His insides unclenched and he started to breathe normally.

"Good lad," Hagrid said, pulling up a chair. "Calm down... yer goin' ter be alrigh'."

Draco gave a feeble nod. He didn't really think that. He knew how to survive, but his mental condition was another matter. Hagrid tried a couple more times to get him to talk but he couldn't, yet. He sipped his tea and didn't answer. The tea was nearly cold, by the time he finished it. Hagrid patiently waited. Draco shook his head when Hagrid offered seconds.

"Draco... tell me wha's wrong," Hagrid said, gently, leaning in closer.

Draco looked up into his black eyes, just like he had with Professor Weasley, and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Wha' fer?" Hagrid said, surprised.

"I was an asshole to you," he mumbled, looking down.

"Nah... yer jus' a boy. It's wa'er under the bridge, as the sayin' goes. Now, tell me wha' were yeh doin' out at the gates?" Hagrid said, enveloping his hand with his large ones.

"I had my p-probation meeting," Draco confessed, not meeting his eyes.

"Ah... I see. Yer alrigh' now, Draco. Ain' no'hing ter be ashamed of. We all land in a spo' of trouble, at some poin'," Hagrid said, gently.

"I was a Death Eater," Draco said, bluntly.

"Harry would disagree. He's got some interestin' stories abou' tha', when he visited me the a'other day. Bu' Draco, I thin' I could've been sacked abou' fiddy times for the stuff I pulled over the years. Bu' people forgive yeh as time goes. It's a lit'le rough, now, bu' give it some time."

Draco nodded, but didn't believe him in the slightest.

"Draco, lad. Why were yeh on the ground, co'ered in swea'?" Hagrid said, still gripping his hand, tightly.

He shuddered. "There was a... dementor."

"D-Dementor!" Hagrid yelped, paling and dropping his hand. He grabbed an umbrella and went to the door to look out the window.

"It didn't come on the property. I made it to the gates and it stopped. It knew the perimeter alarms would sound."

Hagrid looked visually relieved. "Tha's good. Bu' a dementor, 'ere? Why?"

"It's following me," Draco said, quietly. "It's been tracking me since I left... A-Azkaban." Draco dropped his head, chagrined.

Hagrid regarded his embarrassment, came over and sat back down. He lifted Draco's head up. "Well... don' look so down. Yer not the only one, who's spen' some time in prison, Draco. Bu' we need ter tell Professor McGonagall. Can' 'ave a dementor loose aroun' Hogsmeade. I ain't leavin' the grounds until it's gone."

Draco nodded.

"Ready ter go back? We can stay 'ere fur a bit longer, if yeh wan'," Hagrid offered.

"No... I'll feel better in my own bed. Thank you," Draco said, getting up, already missing the warmth of Hagrid's thick blankets.

"Alrigh', I'll walk yeh back," Hagrid said.

"You don't have to..." Draco started, as Fang immediately claimed his warm spot.

"There's a ruddy dementor ou' there, I'm not lettin' yeh walk back alone," Hagrid muttered.

Draco took in how nervous Hagrid was as they walked back. Hagrid was probably the only other person at Hogwarts who had a healthy fear of the creatures. It was one thing to walk by them a few times, but another to have them outside your door day and night. He only had a few weeks in Azkaban, but it was enough.

"Can yeh do the spell ter send 'em away?"

"A Patronus Charm? No, I can't do one," Draco admitted.

Hagrid nodded, but gripped his umbrella tighter as they walked. It was common knowledge that Hagrid placed his broken wand in it. Hagrid was nearly shaking. Draco didn't think the half-giant was afraid of anything.

"Professor?" Draco asked, as they walked, mainly to distract both of them.

Hagrid almost flinched at being addressed as such. "Yeah?"

"I thought your... I thought you were cleared... about what had happened when you were at school."

"Yeah, I was," he said, unsure why Draco was bringing it up.

"Then why haven't you got a... proper wand," Draco asked, curiously.

Hagrid stopped halfway to Hogwarts, though they were right in the open. All thoughts of a dementor attack had vanished. "Well... it's not tha' I can' get a new wand, bu' there's no place fur me ter learn anymore. I'm not a kid. I can' go ter class. The Kwikspell course is a joke. So, I really don' 'ave many options. They can' jus' let me 'ave a wand an' not know 'ow ter use it. I'd 'ave ter pass my OWLS."

Draco nodded and thought for a second. "Would you try?"

Hagrid gave him a look. "Try wha'?"

"To pass your OWLS. Do you want to try?"

"I wan' to, bu'...."

"If you get a wand, I can teach you the practical spells you'd need to learn to pass. You can take the OWLS at the end of the year with the fifth and sixth year students," he suggested.

Hagrid gave him a long look. "Yeh'd help me?"

"Of course, it's the least I can do... after all the terrible things I've said about you over the years. I have Tuesday and Fridays open... and the weekend. I can come twice a week to help you practice spells."

Hagrid gave a breath-taking smile. "I'd like tha' very much."

"Great. I think I have the Standard Book of Spells grades one to five in my trunk. They'd probably want an Acceptable in at least Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts and Transfiguration. Do you want to try for Potions, too?"

"I umm... don' know," Hagrid admitted. It had been five decades since he was originally at school.

"Alright, well... I'll bring some books on Friday, if that sounds good."

"Grea'... I... yeh don' know 'ow much this means ter me," Hagrid said, tearfully staring at him with some pride. "Thank yeh."

"It's not a problem at all," Draco said,  feeling slightly less guilty and Hagrid walked him into the school.

Hagrid left him when they reached the third floor, so he could go speak to the headmistress about the dementor. Draco encountered a few hostile students, but none of the eighth years that had been harassing him. He escaped with only a couple minor hexes and made it to the South Tower, generally unscathed. Hermione, Ron, Neville and Luna were in the common room when he strolled in.

"Draco? What were you doing out there?" Hermione asked, Draco frowned, as though she had just scolded him for walking alone like an unsupervised nine-year old.

"I am eighteen," he whispered, more to himself.

"Sorry... I just meant..." Hermione apologized.

"It's fine. I had somewhere I needed to be."

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

"It's fine," he lied.

Luna got up and walked over to him. She immediately stepped into his space, claiming it without any regard for permission. Draco lowered his gaze. He couldn't deny her anything.

"No, you're not. What happened?" she said, her silvery eyes analyzed him.

"Nothing... I just... I'm fine," he said, looking at the floor.

"Alright... I want to thank you. You saved Garrick and I, just like you said you would," Luna said, taking his trembling hand.

"Not soon enough. I need to sleep," he said and pulled away, almost running to his room.

He needed to cry some more. That flashback was way too close to the darkness... the pit of buried memories. He had to build up his wall again, deafen the snippets of pain that were seeping through. I like it when you fight back, the whispers called to him. He started to rock back and forth, shaking. Please stop, he pleaded to his memories. He couldn't take much more. He was surprised he came out of it at Hagrid's so easy. His dreams would be merciless tonight.

He sat on his bed and let the tears fall. Maybe he'd make some Dreamless Sleep tomorrow and a Calming Draught. He lifted his head up. Blaise and Theo would be in detention at least until 11. He had plenty of time to brew a Calming Draught, at least. He made himself move and took his spare cauldron and potion kit into the bathroom. He fireproofed the counter and set a fire going, adding the ingredients in the correct order that he knew by heart, now. Valerian, hellebore, unicorn horn, porcupine quills and moonstone. Draco added a few more that he knew would extend the effects of the potion.

He was careful. Getting the potion wrong could pull him into a permanent sleep or irreversibly damage his emotions. But he was Draco Malfoy. Snape had been showing him tricks since he came to Hogwarts. He knew what he was doing. Eventually, a silvery mist rose from the potion, despite his tampering. He let it cool down and set about to conjuring and replicating small unbreakable phials with corks, wandlessly. He filled all of them and sealed them.

He extinguished the fire, cleaned the cauldron and aerated the air with a fine floral scent. He put the brew kit away and remembering Umbridge's warning of searches, he hid it in the bathroom cabinet behind a concealment charm that even Blaise wouldn't be able to break. He took two of the phials and put it in his bag. He still needed to ask Blaise to hex his bag for him. He wouldn't want anyone to go through or take his books. He couldn't replace anything easily.

He took a large sip of the smaller vial Madam Pomfrey had given him last Friday. He immediately felt calm. The mellow effects of the heavy-handed potion and his exhaustion from the wandless spells made him very sleepy. He didn't bother changing as he crawled into and pulled the covers over him. He hoped that the Calming Potion would keep the dreams from coming, but he had his doubts. That Murphy's Law Daphne was talking about was a factor. He closed his eyes and prayed to Salazar that he would sleep soundly.

***

Harry walked back from Bill's class after an hour of talking about nothing and everything. It was nice, even after Bill offered him a drink and Harry had to explain why he couldn't have it. Bill accepted it without judging him. He was an awesome older brother. He even gave some pointers about Ron, too, and he asked if Harry would like to come over for dinner, eventually. Harry agreed immediately, explained that he already had plans this weekend. He suggested that next weekend they try to get together. Bill said that he would ask the headmistress and Harry bid him goodnight.

Harry made it to the common room just past ten and his friends were all still there. Luna was telling Neville about her father's treatments at St. Mungo's and Ron and Hermione were cuddling in a loveseat by the fire, not doing homework, but just seemed to be gazing into the fire.

"Harry!" Hermione said, realizing he came in. "Where have you been? Class got out over an hour ago."

"I didn't have class tonight. I was just talking with Bill," Harry said.

Ron perked his head up and tilted his head. "Why?"

"He had to go home last night when I saw him, as it was late. He wanted to catch up, today."

"I saw him earlier. He didn't say anything," Ron said, suspiciously.

Great, now Ron will be jealous I'm hanging out with his brother, Harry thought. "Perhaps because you were yelling at him for not telling him that he was teaching? He didn't want you or Ginny to get preferential treatment or pester him. He does have two jobs, a wife and a baby on the way."

"Fleur's pregnant?" Hermione asked and smacked Ron. "Why didn't you tell me that you're going to be an uncle?"

"Ow... I thought you knew. Sorry," he said, explaining the particulars of how long and what he knew.

Harry sighed a breath of relief on that close call. Bill's words from earlier were sound and accurate. "Ron doesn't like sharing, not his things or his family. He's never had much that he can claim as his own and that includes his friendship with you and his love of Hermione. It's all he thinks he has. You start challenging and changing either one and he's going to react badly. I suggest you fix your relationship with him before school is out. Because once you lose all the pretenses of being together, he's never going to try to get it back."

Harry didn't how he could fix it or if Ron would even accept him. Bill could not give a clear answer on if he thought Ron would flip over his sudden change in sexual preferences. Bill did say that it all had a lot to do with Draco and what he did to Ron over the years. Ron was not one to forgive anything. He barely would talk to Percy after the war, even though he apologized.

Luna thanked him for getting McGonagall to agree to the switch, but then said, "Draco came in about forty-five minutes ago. He didn't say where he came from and he wasn't okay."

"He left the tower?"

"Yeah. He didn't want to talk about it," Luna said.

Harry walked up the steps and tried the door. He couldn't even touch the door. It was Imperturbed. He would have to strip mine it to get through the spells, so he went back down. Draco obviously wanted his privacy.

"Quidditch tryouts should be coming up, Harry," Ron said, after he sat down. "Has McGonagall said anything about if we can play?"

"Not to me. Maybe she's just letting everyone get used to being back. Quidditch tends to increase animosity, right Hermione?" Harry said.

"Umm... yeah. You didn't think that a few years ago," she commented, staring at him, concern in her eyes.

"A few years ago, I didn't fight in a war, stand over my friends' dead bodies and die myself," Harry snapped and immediately felt guilty for doing so.

He got up and went to his room climbing into bed, his eyes fresh with tears. His heart rate picked up and he had to force himself to take deep breaths. The scenes of the Battle flashed through his mind and he wanted the pain to stop. He wanted someone to talk to. He wanted the numbness that the alcohol had given him. He sent his thoughts to Draco, wishing that he was there to get him through this episode, but he had a feeling Draco was in his own pain and denial.

Ron came in not that long later and Harry closed his eyes, pretending to sleep. He couldn't handle it if Ron attacked him, now.

"Harry? Are you okay?"

But he didn't answer him.

"I know when you fake sleeping, Harry. I've been sleeping next to you for going on eight years, so stop it."

"Hermione send you up here?" Harry muttered, opening his eyes, but not looking at Ron, now sitting on his bed next to him.

"Yeah, but...."

"Go tell her I'm fine and I'm sorry for snapping at her."

"Harry... are you okay? I'm worried about you, too," Ron said, awkwardly.

Harry kept himself for snorting. "I'm fine."

"You're just very... quiet, lately. You just stare off for minutes at a time. It's scaring the shit out of me. You always look around each room every time you go somewhere. You hardly smile or laugh. I do notice these things," Ron said, quietly.

Harry didn't answer. Ron still missed that the fact that he was in love with Draco and gay. But Ron was Captain Oblivious when it came to noticing things.

"You can talk to me you know? I'm here for you."

"Here for me!?!" Harry yelled, suddenly on his feet. Ron had said the magic words. "Here for me? When the fuck have you been here for me all fucking summer!?! Where the fuck were you when I was drinking myself asleep every fucking night? Where the fuck were you when I'd wake up crying on the damn floor with no one to fucking talk to?"

Ron went so white, you couldn't see his freckles. "Harry... I...."

"Fuck you!" Harry roared, and he turned on the spot before he hexed him.

He fled out the common room door, ignoring Hermione and Neville's attempts to stop him. He ran and ran with no discernible end in mind. He had nowhere to go. He wouldn't have minded talking to Bill some more, but he was gone. Hagrid... he'd tell him to forgive Ron. He didn't want to intrude on the headmistress. That was it. That was his support. Draco... he just wanted Draco. He understood all about pain. 

Harry was on the first floor, now, sliding down the wall, shaking, more tears coming out, his breath short and chopped. The thoughts rolling through his head were dangerous. Should he go back and force his way through Draco's door? He even considered trying to Apparate through the wards to Draco's room. Intrusive and risky. Blaise put some good permanent hexes on the door in case intruders came without permission. That Slytherin had skills, he had to give him that. He couldn't risk trying his ability. He wondered what Draco could do, if he wasn't so afraid of going back the Azkaban.

Harry wiped his tears away like he had always done, alone. Even when he was a small boy locked in a dark cupboard. He had only himself, though he wished he had Draco. He forced his breathing to even out. He figured he shouldn't just stay moping in the middle of the hallway. He stood up and looked around. He wasn't that far from the kitchen. Maybe he did have someone to talk to. He needed to check in on his friend anyway.

Harry tickled the pear and the portrait opened. He stepped in. Most of the elves had already disappeared to wherever they slept, but Harry didn't even make it into the main kitchen area, before several house elves rushed forward, bowing to him and asking what he wanted.

"Thank you... I'm good... I just wanted to talk with Kreacher," Harry said, bowing back to them.

Kreacher popped right next to him. "Harry! You have come to see Kreacher?"

"Yes, I came to see you. I just wanted to make sure you are okay," Harry said, feeling better now that he had at least another sentient being talking to him.

The other house elves looked at each other at his comment confused, but cleared the way to a chair. Harry asked what Kreacher had been doing and he told all including dropping a potion into a certain Auror's goblet. Harry smiled and thanked him for that. Kreacher introduced several of the senior house elves at Hogwarts and Harry shook their hands and exchanged a bow with them. They were yammering his praises after that. Harry's spirit rose up a little more, but it was well-past normal hours for all of them.

"Sorry, I came so late, Kreacher," Harry said. "But I still need to go up to the Owlery tonight, too."

"Oh! Let me Harry!" Kreacher said and grabbed his arm, Apparating him to the West Tower.

"Whoa!" Harry said, and the sleeping birds were screeching in alarm at their sudden arrival.

"We are at the Owlery!" Kreacher announced, unnecessarily.

"Thanks, but I don't have... oh... bother," Harry said and went to the window. He pulled out his wand and said, "Accio letters!"

His window on the South Tower cracked open and two, already sealed letters whipped through the air at him. He caught them without difficulty. He had forgotten about sending the first letter with all the excitement from the first week, but he needed to know. He was free this Sunday to hunt a certain ex-prison guard down if necessary. Harry found a now awake school owl and asked her to deliver the letter to Penelope Clearwater. He hoped she had the information he needed, or else he'd be paying a visit to the Ministry on Sunday, too. The second letter was to Andromeda explaining that, barring detention, he would be there on Sunday.

"Thank you, Kreacher. That probably saved me an hour of running around."

"Kreacher likes helping Harry. But Harry is sad. Kreacher can poison the mean professor, again."

"No, thank you. I would be the one getting in trouble for it, Kreacher. The mean professor has friends in the Ministry. It'll create problems if we keep attacking him, even subtly."

"Kreacher is sorry if...."

"No, Kreacher. Nothing happened. We just can't do that, again. You, Blaise and I will get in trouble. We have to be more sneaky."

"Kreacher likes being sneaky. Should Kreacher follow him?"

"I don't think that will help this time. Let me sleep on it, Kreacher."

"I can take Harry back to South Tower," he stated.

"No... I want to walk."

"Harry is still sad, like when Harry was at home."

"Harry is sad," Harry agreed. "But you can't fix everything, Kreacher. I will be going to Aunt Andy's house on Sunday, again. Do you want to come?"

"Yes! Please let Kreacher come! Kreacher likes Elsie!"

"Oh really? Well, you should definitely come," Harry said, with a smile.

"Kreacher will start washing his ears, now!"

"You do that. Thanks again, Kreacher," Harry said and the elf vanished.

Harry walked a slow pace to South Tower, not wanting to face the crowd that was definitely waiting for him. He considered just sleeping on the floor somewhere.

"Harry!"

He turned and saw Blaise walking toward him. "What ar-"

"We got back and you were still gone. Hermione organized search teams. How'd you get by us anyway?"

"Kreacher jumped me to the Owlery."

"That'll do it. We thought you left school, when we couldn't find you."

"How's Draco?"

"He's sleeping or pretending to sleep, but he doesn't look bad. We'll see in the morning. Are you coming back?"

"I guess. I don't want to talk about what happened though."

"You and Draco are made for each other. I'll walk you back. Tomorrow should be fine. We all have night classes, so I can drop him off. Before that... Ancient Runes with Theo and Hermione. Potions and Charms in the morning."

"We're doing extended brewing this month with a partner, don't know if you heard that," Harry said.

"I didn't. Any chance you can arrange to be Draco's? I can be with Theo."

"Got any crystallized pineapple, by chance?"

"Yeah... I have every candy... why?" Blaise asked.

"I'm gonna bribe Slughorn tomorrow... maybe sign some photos, too. He likes things."

"Good luck, then. I'll give it to you in the morning," Blaise said as they arrived at South Tower door.

"Thanks for walking me back," Harry said, sarcastically.

"Escorting people is my favorite pastime now," Blaise said and sent the alarm call through the school. Theo was still out there.

"Harry! Are you okay?" Hermione said and Luna was staring at him, too.

"I'm fine. You didn't have to send a search party," he scolded.

"You were so upset. We heard you yelling. Are you sure you are okay?"

"Fine. I'm going to bed. I don't want to talk about it," Harry said, resolutely.

He left them all and marched into his room. No one else was there. He did hate inconveniencing Neville, but he should have known Harry could handle himself. He changed and disappeared in the covers. He completely ignored Ron's attempts to talk to him when they got back, too.

Harry fell into a restless sleep, punctured with waking fits and even landing on the floor once. Ron woke up for that one and again tried to engage him in small talk. Harry didn't respond to him at all and returned to his bed. He might be acting like a child giving Ron the silent treatment, but he was in no mood to trade words with him. He still felt an overwhelming urge to punch him in the face.

There for me... asshole... Harry thought viciously.

Morning couldn't come soon enough, though Harry was dead tired. His dreams were punctured with flashbacks to the Battle and the Room of Requirement. He'd lost Draco to the flames... and his friends to green curses. He really wanted to talk to someone... anyone... but he couldn't. He just kept it all bottled in. This was the type of morning he'd wake up and immediately start drinking. He pulled himself up and took a long, hot shower, trying to wash out the dreams. It didn't work.

He wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out toward his bed. Ron was up. Fuck, Harry thought, wishing for more time without his failing attempts to apologize.

"Harry... I'm sor-"

"Save it. I don't want to hear it. Just pretend it didn't happen," Harry spat, ungenerous.

Neville sat up, dazed and looked back and forth between them, nervously.

"I don't think we should. You said some...."

"I don't care. I don't want to talk about it. Just leave me alone."

"You said that you didn't have anyone to talk to...."

"I got used to it. What part of leave me alone is so hard to understand?" Harry sneered and Ron turned on his heel and went into the bathroom.

Neville made some attempts to talk to him, but Harry ignored him, too. He was like a taunt rope, nothing was going to break through his rigid stance. He couldn't even bend. A soft knock made Harry jerk his head to the door. He crossed the room, quickly. It was still a little early for Blaise, but the dark-skinned Slytherin was on the other side.

"Draco..." Blaise said, worried and upset.

Harry made to go by him, but Neville said, "Maybe some clothes, Harry?"

"Shit!" he swore.

He pulled on some pants and clothes and was pretty sure Blaise was watching the whole time. Harry told Neville to tell Ron he went for a walk and went up one flight to the Slytherin dorm room. Harry walked in and found Theo sitting on the floor, next to Draco's bed. Draco was nowhere to be seen.

"He's under the bed. I couldn't get him to come out. He's never done that," Blaise said, at a whisper.

"He's crying and won't talk to me," Theo said, leaning down to look under the bed.

"Come on, Theo. Let him try," Blaise said and Theo got up to give Harry the access.

Harry got down on his stomach and looked under the bed. Draco was curled up in nearly a fetal position along the wall. His eyes were wide with fear and he was stifling his sobs. He tucked his head inward to hide.

"Draco..." Harry whispered, but he wouldn't look at him.

"We didn't want to pull him out... it might be traumatizing for him," Blaise murmured.

Harry sighed and moved his arm forward under the bed toward Draco. He tried to press into the wall, but he had nowhere to go.

"I'm here for you, Draco. You can give me your hand when you are ready," Harry said. He moved so his head was under the bed, too, and he waited.

Draco unfurled slowly. He was uneasy about sudden movements. But his grey, pale eyes locked eyes with Harry's, pleading almost.

"Gimme me your hand, Draco," he said, softly.

It took several more minutes of coaxing, before Draco finally put his trembling hand into his.

Harry wasn't going to draw out the extraction, he used his other hand to pull himself out and then forcibly dragged Draco out from under the bed, though Draco tried to wrest his wrist free. Harry leaned up into a sitting position and pulled Draco into his lap, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Draco turned his head into Harry's chest and hid his face from him.

"I got you," Harry whispered into his ear, tightening his iron grip on Draco.

"Please... don't hurt me," he begged, desperately.

Harry looked up and exchanged a meaningful glance with the other two Slytherins, who both looked alarmed.

"We'll go get some breakfast for you, then," Theo said, throwing a robe on over his pajamas. Blaise changed with magic. They both left, locking the door.

"It's just us Draco... I'm not going to do anything. You're here with me. You're in my arms," Harry explained, softly speaking into his ear.

One of Draco's frightful eyes perked up and looked up at him. Harry leaned in and kissed the top of his head.

"You're not there... you're here... I'll protect you."

"H-Harry?" he breathed.

"That's right... I'm here. I got you."

"I'm sorry," he said, tears spilling out, again.

"You don't have to say you're sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. Nothing is your fault, Draco."

Draco turned his head upward and looked into his eyes, properly. The terror in them had slightly decreased, but he was still shaking. Harry wished so much that he could to lean in and properly kiss him, but he had to wait. Draco was in too much pain, right now. It would be worth the wait.

Another long one, 8200! Thought about stopping after the Owlery, but I wanted another interaction with Harry and Draco from his POV.

 I haven't even started 35... so hopefully by Monday, but no promises, though. But... I think it will be fluffy... barring another random tangent when I start writing it!