Bad For Me

I skipped school the next day. It wasn't difficult to convince Valentina, who came to check up on me in the morning, that I was ill. A look in the mirror wasn't needed to know there were bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep I got.

Over and over again I replayed dinner with Luca in my head. I imagined myself finally standing up to him, or storming out of the restaurant, and how good it would feel. Then I followed up with the consequences of doing either of those. No matter what angle I looked at it, they were always bad.

When my dad had his breakthrough with business, and announced we'd be moving to West London, my mum sat me down to speak to me that night. She'd always been distant and cold, from me and from her husband. I tried my hardest not to take it personally, as I knew their constant arguments about finances took a toll on their marriage. But it was hard when she treated strangers nicer than her own daughter.

"Fallon, we're not only moving houses." She'd said to me, eyes heavy on my face. "We're starting a new life. Your dad has generated more money than any of us could have ever dreamed of. With the right moves, we'll be up there with the rich and wealthy."

"Your new school will be filled with kids who were born into that life. The last thing you want is for them to look down on you. You have to fit in. Not only for yourself, but for me and your father, alright? If you befriend other students, especially those whose families are in the same business sector as us, it will make us even more successful."

At the time, her words had gone through one ear and come out the other. I was too busy daydreaming about what our future held. No more arguments that had me hiding in my room. No more stress about how I would afford to go to university. And if we had more money, dad would be at work less right?

I couldn't have been more wrong. When I came home from the first day of school at Durham Grammar, she'd been waiting for a debrief from me in the living room. Then she'd told me about Mrs Courtnaey, a popular interior designer who she had a meeting with. Her son was named Lucas. And I had to befriend him.

A few months later, when I informed her about Luca asking me on a date, she'd looked so happy. So proud. It caught me off guard, and she went a step further to hug me. Her embrace shouldn't have felt foreign, but whilst it did it was also nice.

"You see? By dating him you can make a name for yourself." Mum had told me, ecstatic. "The Courntey family is one of the most influential in the area, and business industry. You've made the right choice." Then she'd taken a good look at me, contemplating. "Fallon, I want you to be the face of my clothing brand. My main model."

I remember feeling stunned. "I can't model!"

She pinned me with a warning look. "You can, and will. You're very beautiful, and surprisingly exactly what I'm looking for. Your height is perfect, and with a bit of lost weight everything will be fine."

Before I could have processed anything, she continued. "This is our world now. While your dad has his business, I also have mine. I want to be one of the best fashion designers of my generation, and you will help me, yes?"

Then she'd pulled out her phone, tapping away. "I'll arrange an appointment with my beautician for you, so you can get prepared for your date with him this weekend."

And that was that.

Despite the pressure I'd felt, my first date with Luca had gone well. He was the most charming person I ever felt, and knowing the weight of his family name made me feel privileged he'd chosen me out of everyone. A nobody from the worst part of London.

Looking back at it, that was the start of the power imbalance in our relationship. I viewed him like he was royalty, my mum's words always in the back of my head. And he acted like it. Luca knew the power that came with his wealth and utilised it. He was really the one who introduced me to the politics of the upper class. The importance of connections, especially my one with him.

At the three month point in our relationship, my mum and his had just signed a contract for a new project. I had done more than a few shoots for her, which took time out of school, but she didn't care. I didn't enjoy modelling, but I enjoyed spending time with my mum. Even if it was as her employee, I grabbed onto the tiny crumbs she fed me.

Until one day, Luca and I had gotten into an argument. He'd thought I was staring suggestively at some guy in the cafe we were sitting at, and gave me hell over it. At the time, I actually had a backbone, so I didn't take any of it. When I got home however, my mum was waiting for me. Dressed as if she was at the office, with her hair slicked back and face tight.

"You're back early." She'd commented, watching me closely.

"Luca and I got into a minor argument, so I left. I think I'm going to head to bed early-"

"What did you argue about?" She'd cut me off, surprising me. My mum rarely had time for trivial events that happened in my life. I'd told her every detail, eager to hear her advice on how to handle the situation. Luca's outburst was unjustified and dramatic, and extremely off-putting.

He'd been perfect up until then, gifting me with something new weekly for the first month of us being official. But the incident at the cafe showed me a glimpse of who he really was. And I didn't want anything to do with it.

Once I was finished, my mum surveyed me with the dark eyes I'd inherited from her. Brown, but too dark to actually make out the colour.

"You need to apologise to him."

That had been the last thing I'd expected to hear. After a moment of confused silence, I asked for clarification. "Mum, he completely embarrassed me and said things that are not only insulting, but false. Why would I apologise?"

She'd moved closer, a sneer on her face. "Because, my selfish daughter, I'm about to begin a project with his mum that could enhance my career in a very big way. I don't need you messing it up because you're too sensitive."

How could I describe how I felt at that moment?

What was more painful, having ice cold water or scalding hot water poured over you? Whichever of the two is worse, or maybe a combination of both, is the sensation that overcame my body at her words.

"W-what?"

"Your actions no longer affect just you, Fallon. I warned you when we first moved here you'd have to change. You're just like your father, allowing yourself to care too much and get hurt over things. Lucas got angry, but so does everyone. You will not jeopardise your relationship over a small mishap."

She placed her hand over mine. "When have I ever asked you for anything, Fallon? Please, fix things with him. Do it for me."

"So when he messes up, I have to be the one to make amends?

"As long as our families are connected business wise, you will have to remain with him. You can feel whatever you want, but if it's bad, you can never show it, yes? No one wants to see it. Just..." My mum clicked her manicured fingers, thinking. "What's the phrase in english? Ah, yes. Please and appease."

She looked at me earnestly. "Because you love me, you will."

At my uncertain look, she carried on. "You do love me?"

"Of course, mum."

She'd patted my knee and stood up. "Then let this be the last time I hear of any conflict between you two. I'll be designing for the rest of the evening, so don't disturb me."

As she left me alone, I'd taken in the spacious living room. Expensive paintings, a high ceiling and marble floor. A much more beautiful home than the one we moved from.

Did it matter how much beauty the house had, if the residents were rotten/anything but?

With the heavy feeling of helplessness, something I'd become accustomed to, I'd dialled Luca's number that night.

From then on, nothing changed. My parents were more distant, my boyfriend nice at times and cruel at others, and sadness followed me wherever I went like a shadow.

So why did I let Luca treat me the way he did? Because there wasn't an alternative.

Well, there was. To become even more distasteful to my own mother than I already was. And as much as I wished it wouldn't, I knew that would break me.

Once I realised dwelling on the past did nothing to improve my mood, I dragged myself out of bed and to the shower. After forcing myself to complete my morning routine, I sat at my desk with my journal. The moment I opened it a loose page fell out which I grabbed and read curiously.

FALLON'S FUN LIST (complete by end of Year 13!!!)

Get sent out of class

Start a food fight - and be the one to shout 'food fight!'

Skip school for a day

Join a sports team - play at least one big match

Make an announcement from the Headmaster's office

Be the star of a school play

Learn how to ride a motorcycle

Dance in the rain

Find Silas (!!!)

A smile spread across my face as I read the list, immediately remembering when I wrote it. It was when I first started at Durham Grammar, the new environment was exciting and seemed like something out of a movie. I soon found out that wasn't the case, and forgot about having fun.

"Maybe in the future." I mused, folding up the paper and tucking it securely in my journal. My room, usually my source of creativity, felt smaller and darker than usual. I knew trying to write there wouldn't be any use, so I dressed up in a casual tracksuit set and headed downstairs to go to the park.

I met with Valentina in the kitchen, who was whisking something. The moment she saw me, something on my face must have been concerning as she rounded the counter to approach me.

"Fallon, dear. You look sadder than usual," She murmured, a few blond strands framing her face. Her warm brown eyes watched me closely. "Was it Luca?"

My body expelled a sigh. "Yeah. But I don't want to talk about it right now, if that's okay." I held up my journal. "I'd rather write for a bit, so I'm heading to the park for fresh air."

Valentina nodded, stepping back. "Okay, but grab a bite to eat. There's a few sandwiches for you in the fridge."

"I'm not that hungry."

She gave me a look only mothers could perfect. The look that said arguing with her was pointless. "That's good to know. Anyway, there's chicken, ham, and tuna, so plenty for you to choose from. Would you like water or orange juice with it?"

I stared at her in defiance for about ten seconds before giving up and walking to the fridge. "Water, please." I grumbled.

After ten minutes of Valentina watching me eat every last crumb of the sandwich, I finally made my way to the park where I chose a lone bench near the tree area. As it was school time, there weren't many children around, only young ones with their parents. I watched a girl being pushed on the swing by her father for a minute before opening my journal.

JOURNAL ENTRY #468

If I was given the chance to wish for three things, I know what my first one would be. The ability to switch off and on my emotions. Not manage, or lessen, but completely switch them off.

Only the things you care about hurt you. Getting a bad grade hurts me because I expect better for myself. Likewise, only the people you care about hurt you. I couldn't care less about Perdita's opinion on me, as it has no value to me. But someone like Luca is different.

If I could switch off my emotions, I wouldn't feel so sad all the time. So helpless. And most of all, so disappointed. Not in my parents, or boyfriend, but in myself.

When I joined Durham Grammar I wrote a list for myself to achieve, by the end of this academic year. Not even one task on it has been completed. None of them will be done in the near future, especially the last one.

I wonder how life would be now if we hadn't moved. Less money. No Luca. No loneliness? Would my parents have divorced by now? Would I have-

"Writing a love letter to my motorcycle? Or better, yet me?"

Startled, my head snapped up to see a figure standing in front of my bench. It took me a minute to recognise who it was, with his back to the sun his features were shaded but his green eyes were recognisable.

I placed a hand on my chest. "You need to stop sneaking up on me."

"Nice way of avoiding my question. It's nothing to be embarrassed about." Motorcycle guy casually side-stepped and sat next to me. He left a good distance between us, but my heart still went a bit funny.

I cleared my throat, pinning him with a look. "Sorry, but I don't feel comfortable talking to strangers."

A smile slowly spread across his lips. "And here I thought we had a connection, MG."

"It's Fallon."

"That's what I said, Fally."

I shook my head and turned back to my journal, but my thoughts were now overruled by the guy next to me. I could feel him watching me but refused to meet his gaze until he leaned towards me slightly. His scent immediately caught my attention. While Luca's cologne was strong and overpowering, his was a bit spicier, but somehow comforting.

"What are you writing?"

"Stranger danger." I sang, closing my journal and facing him with a smile. "Tell me your name and I'll consider letting you have a look."

He ran a hand over his dark curls. "Just like that?"

"Just like that."

He tapped the bench three times, watching me contemplatively. I didn't lower my gaze. Curiosity had appeared whenever I thought about him, putting a name to a face would finally satiate it.

"Kairos."

I immediately opened my journal onto a new page and wrote it out. Cyros.

"Spelt like this?" I asked, showing him and not realising it was the first time someone other than me had seen inside the pages. I also didn't notice the page of my 'fun list' slipping out and landing on the grass beneath us.

He shook his head, easily taking the pen from me and correcting the spelling. I read it carefully, before attempting to pronounce it.

"Kai-ros?"

Kairos nodded, acting all casual but I could see him trying to hold back a smile. "Perfect pronunciation. Ten points."

I giggled, leaning back into the bench. "What can I do with only ten points?"

"A lot actually." Had his voice turned... sultry? Or was it just me?

I prepared to cut the conversation short when his name registered in my head. "Wait, your name is Kairos? Is your full name Kairos Andino?"

He moved back, a cautious frown on his face. "Are you a fed or something?"

I couldn't help but beam. What were the odds? "No, I'm you're welcome buddy! You should have gotten an email about it. I'll be your number one source of support for the first few months of school."

This time, his eyes narrowed. "You're Fallon Ibrahim? The 'golden girl' of Durham grammar?"

I sat up straighter. "Yes. That's what they call me? The golden girl? How lovely-"

Why did Kairos look annoyed? He shook his head and pulled on his curls slightly. "Of course I had to be paired with you. My Uncle-" He abruptly cut himself off and stood up as I watched, confused.

"I won't need any support." He told me straight up, his body language very standoffish.

"Ah, okay." I wasn't sure what to say. He watched me for a moment, seeming to have an internal battle before sitting on the bench again.

"So, you're dating that Lucas kid?"

Surprised at his directness, I hesitated for a moment. "Uh-huh."

Those brilliant green eyes watched me closely. "He's a prick."

I shifted so I faced him, feeling put-off. "You've attended the school for less than a week. How did you come to that conclusion? And how do you even know we're dating?"

Kairos leaned back and shrugged. "I've been around long enough to form an opinion. Plus, a day is all I need to observe the dynamics of a school."

"And what are your observations?"

His gaze didn't stray from the large tree that was ahead of us, swaying with the wind. "That this school is filled with obnoxious, judgmental kids who have too much money that they don't know what to do with it. Especially our year group, they have the worst of the bunch. A taste of adulthood and everyone loses their head."

I couldn't help but feel offended. "And everyone is like that?"

This time Kairos looked at me, and I wished he continued facing the tree. The intensity and anger in his eyes shocked me. "I thought you were different. But I've seen the people you hang out with. So you can't be."

I shook my head. "I can't be, or you don't want me to be? It seems like you've already decided what type of person I am, so why bother arguing?"

Standing up, I tucked my journal under my arm and started walking. "Enjoy the rest of your day, Kairos." I called over my shoulder, leaving him standing alone.

What an odd person. He was all friendly but the moment he found out who I was, he switched? What about me was so upsetting?

I was tempted to take one last glance at him behind me, but didn't. If I had, I would have seen him pick up my fallen 'fun list' and read over it with a curious expression.